Judge, 1911-09-02 · page 17 of 24
Judge — September 2, 1911 — page 17: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three separate satirical pieces: **"Highly Qualified"** (top): Mocks missionary recruitment by showing a foreign mission board official interviewing an applicant whose only qualifications are wanderlust and financial desperation ("I can't afford to pay my own expenses"). The satire criticizes how organizations filled missionary posts with unqualified individuals motivated purely by free travel. **"Called"** (middle): A theatrical joke—a woman claims she was "dared" rather than "called" before the curtain, suggesting she had to be coerced into performing, implying she's a reluctant or mediocre actress. **"Cave Canem"** (bottom): Two anecdotes about dogs and human behavior. The first recounts a man falling from an airplane and attributing sensations to the aircraft when he was actually being mauled by a mastiff—satirizing sensationalized journalism and exaggeration. The second praises a man who subdued a rabid dog by its tail, with a joke about the method's limitations. The overall theme involves exposing human folly, questionable judgment, and embellishment.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
HIGHLY QUALIFIED. Secretary of foreign mission board {to applicant for post) —" Have you any particular qualifications for missionary labor 2"? Applicant—" Well, I'm fond of travel and I can’t afford to pay my own expenses.” immediately tried to get away from there, and he jerked at his hind leg and jumped and whined, and tremors passed over Gaffney’s spine. Then the mastiff walked over Gaffney a few times and stepped on his face and knocked over a tall, thin packing box that hit Gaffney on the head. This seemed to awaken Gaffney, for he started to his feet with a yell and ran yelling like a wild Indian all the way to the Mineola railway sta- tion, rubbing the spot where the box had hit him, Gaffney—when he came to write the article—had to guess at the height from which he had fallen out of the aeroplane, but he put it at sixty feet, so as not to exaggerate. The article was a howling success, illustrated with red and blue pictures drawn by the office artist—who had never seen an aeroplane. The pic- ture of Gaffney falling out head first, with an X marking the spot on his head where the box hit him, made a big hit. Gaffney showed the bump for a week. I tell you it is thrilling to hear him tell how the warm wind swept his fe- vered brow (which was when the mas- CALLED. “* Did they call you before the curtain ?"* “Did they call me? My dear, they dared me!" tiff breathed on him) and of the peculiar sensation of the lungs at great heights (that was when the dog walked across his chest); but he grows actually elo- quent when he tells you how you come to think of the aeroplane as a living thing—how it seems a living creature, full of life and warmth and blood, pal- pitating in your hand as you grasp it. He says even the braces he held onto seemed imbued with life! I should think so! The brace he had hold of was the mastiff’s off hind leg! Cave Canem HICAGO has at least one citizen who takes his headpiece with him when he ventures out of doors. The other day this man sauntered into a group of people who were endeavoring to keep out of the way of a mad dog who was foaming at the mouth and doing other alarming stunts. This citizen walked right up to the animal, caught it by the tail and swung it into an empty store- room near by. The panic was over. The method adopted to get rid of the dog was excellent and is worthy of imi- tation. Only whoever does imitate it should make sure that the dog has a tail. HE GREATEST barkers are not the greatest biters. If you don’t be- lieve this go to Coney Island some day and see who does the biting while the barkers bark. comicbooks.com