Judge — September 2, 1911 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“THOSE SMITH CHILDREN ARE TWINS, AREN'T THEY, EPFIE?” “OW, NO, MOTHER! KATIE'S AT LEAST TWO MONTHS OLDER ’N GERTIE.” Doctors. By STUART B. STONE. ‘HE DOCTORS form a craft of hu- man frame workers, trunk repairers and interior decorators, licensed to graft, saw, sew, rip, wrench, dope, bleed, slice, carve, plaster and otherwise tinker with the internal the external economy. Doctors follow the microbe, mixed drink, mad dog, speed fiend, boat rocker, injured husband, and gun-not-thought-to- be-loaded. They precede the undertaker and the florist. The first step taken by a doctor after he has the patient down is the diagnosis or preliminarius bluffensis. This is ac- complished by thumping the victim in the hope of hitting upon the tender spot, by taking his measure with the ther- mometer and by administering the third degree. Diagnoses are always subject to change without notice. Indeed, it is @ poor case-or patient—that cannot afford three or more diagnoses. After the diagnosis comes the treat- ment, which may consist of the prescrip- tion or cuneiformus in- decipherabilis, the opera- tion or probus extrava- gensis and the consulta- tion or caucus eminentus plunderbundus. The prescription is a brief quotation from Hip- pocrates or other latin sage, with a foreword ad- dressed to a local apothe- cary, the whole preceded by cabalistic marks. Like the writings of other PLENTY OF SAND. Food inspectsr—"* Look here, you can't use this sugar. It's half sand."’ Confectioner—" Ob, that's all right. We use that for making rock candy.” Hervey Peome EARLY AUTUMN PASHIONS FOR BACHELOR MAIDS. ancient romancers, it is very hard to swallow. . The operation is a mining procedure in which a shaft is sunk into the afflicted portion for the purpose of obtaining five hundred dollars out of the patient. The consultation is a guessing contest on the part of two or more distinguished specialists and is attempted only in cases of extreme resort and affluence. After the treatment comes the bill, which must be deferred until the pa- tient is strong enough to withstand the shock, or until definite figures as to the assets of the estate are available. A doctor's equipment includes whisk- ers, polysyllables, front, gravity, hope- less chirography, instruments of torture, text-books, a half-darkened reception room in which to keep patients in sus- pense, the letters of the alphabet strung after his name and a bushel of dead languages beneath which to hide his learning. Doctors are expensive luxuries, rank- ing with automobiles, chorus girls, moves, fires, alimony> diamondsand form sheets. Many books have been published giving advice as to what to do before the doctor arrives. The pa- tient, however, is usually in more of a quendary as to what to do after the doctor has departed. THORN in the bush * is worth two in the sofa cushion. comicbooks.com