Judge — July 29, 1911 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Peace. By WILBUR D. NESBIT. NTHINKING folk argue that the way to have peace is to stop building forts, warships, arse- nals, and other defenses, and to disband armies and nav This is a wrong premise. War is the most expensive lux- ury known among nations . Even a third-class sort of war costs ten or fifteen million dollars a day. The way to insure peace is for each nation to spend every cent it can earn, beg, borrow, or steal in warships, forts, uniforms, guns, swords, pistols, and the like. Having bankrupted themselves, the nations will not then be able to _ afford war. Even if they think they can afford it, the impossibility of getting money to run it will leave them like a man with an automobile and no gasoline. HE FACT that so many of our brightest sayings have been said before is good evidence that our ancestors were as smart as we are. STRANDED. “* Didn't he have the sand to propose ?"* “Yes; but not the rocks to marry."* NOT WORTH ACQUIRING. Excited party—"' Ya-as, bah Jove! and we had walked about the bloomin’ bot desert without water for three blawsted days, and we were ready to drop dead of thirst, bah Jove! and our throats were parched and dry, and we came to a watah hole and Bortle Bill—"" And—ye went and wasted that glorious thirst on a barrel o’ alkali water !"" An Alphabet of Fashionable Women. By HARVEY PEAKE Anatomy adjusted absurdly. Behavior betokening boredom. Cigarettes carried conspicuously. Lawn Economics. «s] NOTE,” says the sage, ‘‘that you allow a sprinkler to spray water upon your lawn almost con- said the native. ‘‘We do that to make the grass grow.’’ “But the other day I saw a man pushing a clicking contrivance over the lawn, and’’—— “Oh, yes. That was a mower.”’ “And what is its purpose?’’ “Why, it cuts the grass. “Then why do you put water on it to make it grow if you simply cut it down as fast as it comes up?” What Could He Expect? teViou CAN’T please some men,”’ says the strong-jawed lady. ‘*Now, take my husband, for example. He is never satisfied with what we have for dinner.’’ “*Why don’t you find out what he likes and make up your menus from the list?’’ asks the friend. “T know what he likes. He has told me often enough. But practi- cally every dish he suggests is lawn something I haven't any use for.’’ Friendly Criticism. Divorces demanded debonairly. Economy eliminated effectively. Fidos fondled fashionably. Gowns girdled grotesquely. Hips hidden hopelessl Infants ignored invariabl Jewelry jumbled jarring] Kissers knocking keenly. Lorgnettes leering languoroucly. Millinery masking modishly. Nobodies necessarily neglected. Obesity obliterated opportunely. Petticoats prohibited positively. Quarts quaffed quickly. Remarriages recommitted recklessly. Skirts shrinking scandalously. Thoroughbreds talking turfily. Upperten unyoked usually. Veils variegating variously. Waistlines wandering wantonly. ’X-husbands 'xtoled 'xtensively. Youngwomen yawning yearningly. Zounds! Zounds!! Zounds! Feminine Failing. Cora—‘'Is her age her trump card?”’ Nora—‘‘It must be, because she is al- ways forgetting it.’’ Maud—‘‘She comes from a very old family.” Edith—‘‘One would know that to look at her.’" BOARD walk by any other name could trip the feet. RECESSIONAL. Ham—'* When I left the stage last night the audience went wild with applause.'’ Sam—** Well, most likely they knew you weren't coming on again.’ comicbooks.com