Judge — July 29, 1911 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE CLASS R. SLABSIDES had been sum- INA moned to the infirmary for a private interview wigh the professor of humor, and ap- proached the presence in fear and trem- bling. “Mr. Slabsides,’’ said the professor feebly, as the young man entered, “I re- gret to have to tell you that your marks in your last ex- amination are so low that you are in a fair way to lose your degree of Ph. B.— Bachelor of the Phunnibone. But I have called you in to give you one more chance. I personally like you because of your face, and if you can answer a few oral questions I may be able to give you a passing mark."’ “Thank you, professor,"’ said Mr. Slabsides gratefully. ‘‘I've studied hard, sir, but I am afraid my prepara- tion was not thorough. I served my apprenticeship in an undertaking estab- lishment, and while I have managed there to acquire a humor- ist’s face, I must admit my- “self to be structurally f< weak."” “That is just it,”’ said the professor. ‘*You have shown the effect of your environ- ment in all your humor.” It is too grave. It has too much body to You take it too grimly, as if it were a@ great undertaking. But we feel that you have enough of the real thing in you to warrant our giving you your degree if we can get a suc- cessful examination on the records. So let us begin. You are aware that there is a special style of humor al- lied to the art of painting?" “Yes, sir,’’ replied Slab- sides, with an inner glow of satisfaction, for he had run over the lecture on Humor in Art only that morning. “Well, then,’’ said the professor, ‘‘if an artist were retained to paint the por- trait of somebody's mother- in-law, what style of por- trait would the humorist recommend?"" “A portrait of a mother IN by WILBERFORCE JENKINS, Ph. D., Doster in-law should always be a speaking like- * said Mr. Slabsides glibly. ‘orrect,’’ said the professor. ‘‘And if it were the portrait of a pugilist? “It should striking,’’ said ness, be Mr. “THIS MUST BE UNE OF THOSE HURRICANE DECKS. Slabsides, without hesitating a moment. “Very good,"’ said the professor en- couragingly. ‘In what medium should an actress be painted?"’ “If she were well preserved, it should Mr. Slabsides; be done in oi said “but otherwise in chalk."* Of the Phunnibens HUMOR. ‘‘Now for a portrait of a leading pro- hibitionist?"’ began the professor. “Water colors,’’ said the student blithely. “‘What would you call a view of the surrounding country painted from the summit of Mount Vesuvius?"’ asked the pro- fessor. “A landscape, Slabsides. “And the reverse—a pic- ture of Vesuvius from the surrounding country?’ con- tinued the professor. “A fire escape,’’ the student. “Very good, Mr. Slabsides —that will be ail,”’ said the professor. ‘*You will get your degree—the genera) quality of your humor would indicate that it ought to be the third degree, but we will make it the regular Ph. B., which will enable you to practice humor in the G. Bernard Chesterton class."" And Mr. Slabsides went forth rejoic- ing, while the professor, after swallow- ing three hundred and twen- ty grains of quinine, lapsed once more into unconscious- ness. Fits the Text. OHNNIE,”’ asks the teacher, hat do you think may be meant by the text, ‘Unto him that hath shall be given, while from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath’? “Uncle Bill says it means fat, teacher,"’ answers John- nie. ‘He says fat folks keeps a-gettin’ fatter an’ thin ones keeps a-gettin’ thinner, in spite of all they "* said Mr. replied do. Appreciated. ‘OU ARE the most pre- cious thing in the world,’’ sighs the young man. “Nonsense !'’ young woman, albeit pleased nevertheless. “Nonsense nothing! Why, if I married you abroad, I'd have to smuggle you into this country replies the comicbooks.com