Judge — April 29, 1911 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

E HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT N [JNDERWOOD. OSCAR W.--Un- derwood, the thuriferous tinker of the tariff, was the multiplying marvel, the mathematical motor- dome of the University of Virginia. He could give Euclid a running start and beat him over the first hurdle, and, while Archimedes was looking around for his lever, Underwood would finish the job and would go home and be inventing a collapsible, triple-jointed isosceles triangle that you could carry around in your pocket. With no more expression on his face than an adding machine, Oscar could compute how long it would take a frog, lame in the left hip, to leap out of a well, thirty-eight feet and two inches deep, if the frog hopped four and a quarter inches each time and on account of his sciatica fell back three-quarters of an inch each attempt, while the other students were wondering if second base on the new mond was still under water. Figuring out the tariff with him now is as peaceful and soothing on the nerves as attend- ing an art auction in Chicago. Leaving the 'Varsity, he went to Birmingham, Ala., and hung out his shingle. Four months later two clients came to see him the same week and in one mail he got three letters—and that evening, cognizant of the growing signs of prosperity, the landlord raised the rent. It took him just ten years to learn how well the wives of the voters of Birmingham could cook and the first names of all the Democratic children in that section, and he has been in Congress ever since. He, is the most popular man in Alabama, but his constituents do not know that while he is in Washing- ton he wears a diamond horse- shoe in his tie and plays golf. His favorite sport is leading a bulldog and keeping his tie in mathematical alignment. His pocket flaps are laid out with a T-square and his tailor measures his buttons with a pair of calipers. He wears an eight-day smile and a Persian lamb collar and looks like an actor just in from the gasoline circuit. He is as collected as a right-angled triangle and has a brother in the pig-iron busi- ness in Birmingham. “Sh! “THERE'S A REASON." ‘1 wonder why Mr. Rooster isn’t out parading with his wife ?"" Can't you see his beautiful tail feathers on his wife's new hat ?"" “GORMAN, JAMES A.—Within a few blocks of where he lives to-day in West 108th Street, New York, James A. O'Gorman, the new Senator from New York, was born — years ago. Jubilant goats gam- boled on the green where now Sen- ator O'Gorman lives in an apartment house with gilded elevators and ettes. Never once did he know the glories of the old swimming hole, or the feeling that seizes on a boy about the time Red Junes are ripe, which makes him lie flat on the cellar door and wish that the solar system would go smack into the constellation of Diogenes, or whatever it is that is going to wreck the universe, and have things over with. He was old enough to know that storks don’t bring them before he was ever out of sight of a trolley wire, and to this day he doesn’t know how to go swimming when your mother sews up your shirt collar with white thread. Getting a law degree at New York Uni- versity in 1882, when he was only — years old, he opened an office in Fulton Street. In fact, he was about the only person who opened it, until he saw there was a lot of differ- ence between having a degree and a clientele, and went after clients and into politics. He cut his molars by running on the United Labor party ticket for justice of the district court, and, like all famous men afterward, in spite of all the opposition, lacked only a few votes of being elected. He has been a Supreme Court justice for eleven years and has escaped with just two honorary degrees from small colleges. He has been talked of as a candidate for mayor of New York, and has a silver dining service of one hundred and fifty-eight pieces and two sons and seven daughters. Homer Croy. The Essentials. FArey to bed and early to rise May make aman healthy, say those who are w But he'll not get wealthy, how he tries, If he thinks it is foolish to advertise. The Reason. Willis—" Why was the will set aside Gillis —“It kept getting in the way of the lawyers who were settling the es- tate.” comicbooks.com