Judge — April 15, 1911 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TBigemag RB Rumyorl ‘There was a young chappie named Percy, Who should never have strayed without nursey ; One day at a tea His tie got squegee— He gasped, then he cried, ‘* Ob, mercy!” “I hope the brown wins!"? said Sim Perkins vindictively. ‘*I do hope it!’’ “And I was gettin’ my dander up said Uncle Ashdod, ‘‘so I says to myself, I says, ‘Ding you, you old sea-green and yaller, you got to win!’ So I backed off to the far end of the ship, forward, and the brown egg he backed off to the far end, stern, and we put our heads down, and here we come, slam-bang at each other, as hard as we could run, and’’—— “And you been non compos dementis ever since,’’ said Sim Perkins. ‘*You got your old fool head busted, and serve you right!’’ “Well, no,"’ said Uncle Ashdod. ‘I wish that I could say so, since you feel like that; but I got to tell the truth. We plumb missed each other, and we was goin’ so fast I went plumb over the stern and the brown egg went plumb over the bow into the Well, they yanked the negro egg aboard, and they hung round two days lookin’ for me; but they couldn’t catch sight of me, on account of my head bein’ sea-green, and I looked to drown, when the barber he seen the yaller spots. ‘Egg ahoy!’ he shouts, and he run to the hatchway for to get the hatch. The Turk wanted to hatch the egg, but it was too late; I was feelin’ rotten, and I went down for the last time.’” “Drownded?"’ Perkins hopefully. “Drownded to death!’’ said Uncle Ashdod. ‘It was an awful loss to the ocean, asked Sim ship, but what do you think that cun- nin’ little boy with the blue sash done?’’ “He give three cheers,’’ suggested Sim Perkins. “No, sir,”? said Uncle Ashdod. run back to the cook’s galley, grabbed a ham, and he chucked it into the ocean. For a kid of his years to think of ham and eggs goin’ together “He and he said “That's the main idee!”” The Solution. OMAN toddles gayly on, Secure in the harem. They’re as brave as bravest man, For now no mouse can scare 'em. Avoid Substitution. Younghubby (as he gulped down his first bite of pancake)—‘‘Wow! What awful syrup! What is it?” Youngwifey (tearfully) —‘Oh, dear, I hoped you wouldn’t notice it; but the grocer was all out of table syrup and I got a oottle of cough syrup instead."" yhow, you was drownded, Sim Perkins. Miracles. IR OLIVER LODGE says that mira- cles are not impossible. Impossi- ble? We should say not! We know a man who can hook up his wife's gown at the back without even thinking things that no gentleman should say behind a lady’s back. EVENGE may be sweet, but most women like to be identified with a box of chocolates. Aviator—" SORRY, OLD MAN, BUT I NEED BALLAST.” “GOODNESS! COOK FORGOT TO TAKE THE ICE IN, AN’ NOW IT’S ALMOST DROWNDED.” Raveled Ravings. By ELLIS 0. JONES. OST orators are successful not be- cause they are good, but because they are good enough. “Dust thou art to dust returnest’’ was not spoken of the vacuum cleaner. No, Clarisse, a telegram that jumps its trolley is not a wirele: '3 a careless. Personal adornment is not even skin deep. A star on the stage is worth two in the sky, except when managed by the theat- rical trust. No, Algy, when the boy sets up in the other alley that doesn’t make it your next treat. A pessimist is an optimist who has just been caught doing something he’s ashamed of. EWS comes to us that France now sets her clocks by Greenwich time. Sedate Londoners will no longer have any excuse for going to Paris for a good time. comicbooks.com