Judge — April 1, 1911 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Two Reasons. By ELLIS 0. JONES. CANNOT eat the old things I ate long years ago. My weakened purse would fail me ‘And unpaid bills would grow. Their price is quite prohibitive; I covet them in vain— I cannot eat the old things Nor drink those drinks again. I cannot eat the old things I ate in years gone by. My constitution will no more Endure the strain of pie, Of lobster Newburg, rarebits, sweets, Of cocktails and champagne— I cannot eat the old things Nor drink those drinks again. A Spirited Tale. M®. PRUNTY agitatedly beckoned the policeman on the beat. “Mr. Flaherty,’’ she implored, ‘‘come in here quick!"’ “What is ut, Mrs. Prunty?”’ “Sure, and me new tellyphone’s be- witched! Kathleen had me put one in, so’s she c’d talk to me since she’s wor-rkin’ at the hospital. The man put ut in this mar-rnin’ and showed me how to wor-rk ut, but ut’s crazy !’’ The telephone bell jangled just as Flaherty put his head in at the hall door. “There! What'd I tell you!"’ cried Mrs. Prunty, look- ing fearfully over his shoulder. “There ut goes ag’in, and there’s niver a body in there to turn the handle!"’ A Puzzler. ITTLE Jefferson had returned from Sunday school and was deep in thought. Suddenly he exclaimed, “Mamma, if lam made of the dust of the earth, how did 1 come from heav- en?” Business vs. Brains. Knick—‘‘It takes brains to make your own money.’’ Bock—"‘But not to make somebody else’s,"" ) Breathes There a Maid! (Great Scott once more.) By LIDA KECK WIGGINS. REATHES there a maid with soul so dead Who never to herself hath said, “This is my new, my Easter hat!"” Whose heart within her hath not burned As heads to look at her have turned 42} When inh he sat )} en in her pew she sat. Se; QUALIFIED FOR PHE JOB. “* So you want to marry my daughter,eh? Do you think you can support her in the way she has been accustomed ?'’ “*Ob, yes, sir. I live in the muddiest and buggiest pond in the neighborhood. "” Loyal to Her Own Faith and Order. UNT MATILDA, who-while absent from home had evidently longed to be with her own church people, surprised them lately in a conference meeting by saying, ‘‘ Well, brethren and sisters, I’m glad to be back again with those of my own disorder.”’ A Life Lesson. ‘HIS lesson take to heart, my son: Into each life some rain must fall; ‘Tis better to have loved and won Than never to have loved at all. A SUFFRAGETTE. From the phrenologist’s point of view. What He Bought. SYRACUSE business man, living in one of the suburbs, decided to give up his spacious back yard to the raising of currants as a profitable side issue. So, wishing to absorb all the in- formation he could acquire on the sub- ject of the currant industry, he went downtown one Saturday afternoon re- cently and returned with his arms full of books. “Well, Toby,"’ inquired his enthusi- astic spouse, as he dumped the volumes on the table, ‘‘did you succeed in getting what you wanted?” “Sure I did!’ he replied, proudly pointing to the books. ‘‘I bought a whole year’s editions of a standard work on current literature."" Willing, but Cautious. serpRY. A DRINK of this, old man,’’ says the friend. ‘‘It'll make you feel as if you had as much money as Carnegi ‘*But,’’ timorous- ly asks the stingy one, ‘‘will it make me feel like giving it away?” Looking Ahead. oe HY HAVE you had that seat rigged up back of your ton- neau?"’ “That's for the policeman, so we shall not lose time on the way to the station after being arrested for exceed- ing the speed lim- it.” Visitor — ‘* Your papa plays poker and your mother plays bridge?” Johnny —‘* Yes; and I: play soli- taire.”’ comicbooks.com