Judge — March 25, 1911 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

UNCLE ASHDOD AND THE B. HERE were other clubs I was asked to join,”’ said Uncle Ash- dod, ‘‘including the Million- aires’ Club; but I refused’’. “Didn't know you had a mil- lion dollars,’’ said Sim Per- kins, “That’s why I refused to join,’’ said Uncle Ashdod. ‘‘I was forty years old and I had just four dollars, and I fig- gered that if it took me ten years to save up a dollar, it would be ten million years before I was in the millionaire class; and, according to my notion, a feller that is ten million years old is too old to enjoy club life. Anyhow, the only club I cared a ding for was the B. B. S., and I had had a hard time get- ting into that. I had to get in as an Ornery Member"’— “Ordinary member, hey?’’ said Sim Perkins. “Nope! Ornery was what I said. They was three kinds of members, like in all clubs: Reg’lar Members, what paid full dues; Absent Members, what paid half dues; and Ornery Members, what didn’t pay no dues. It is the same in all clubs—members what don’t pay dues is considered Ornery Members. So all these shark-bit fellers’’ **All them what?" asked Sim Perkins, “‘Shark-bit,’’ repeated Uncle Ashdod. IN TRAINING. “* Melinda, what do you mean by standing those eggs on end? Do you want to raise a family of acrobats?” By ELLIS PARKER BUTLER, Author of Pigs Is Pies “That was the name of the club—Bit By Shark Club—because only them what had been bit by sharks could get into it. It was a mighty select club. First, you had to be bit by a shark’’—— “Wall Street?” asked Sim Perkins. “Not much!’’ said Uncle Ashdod. “Not stock-water sharks; salt-water sharks. This wasn’t no lamb’s club, I tell you. So the dumbed old shark wouldn’t bite me’’—— “Ain't you left out a hank of this here yarn?”’ asked Sim Perkins. “No, I ain’t!’’ said Uncle Ashdod. “I’m makin’ it up as I go along, and what I don’t tell you wasn’t ever in it. If I put it in it wouldn’t be the truth, But, as I was say- ing, nobody could get into the Bit By Sharks what hadn't B. S. CLUB. back and opened his mouth, and he opened his mouth so wide he swallered me whole! Swallered me right down, as sure as I’m a-standing here!’’ “You ain't standing there,’’ said Sim Perkins. ‘You are sitting down.’ “‘Swallered me whole, right into his insides, without so much as giving me a scratch! And there I was’?—— “If this here wind keeps up,’’ said Sim Perkins, ‘‘we'll have rain be- fore’’. “‘And there I was inside that shark,’’ A ROW OF PALMS ON THE FLORIDA EAST COAST. been chawed up some bya shark. So when I seen that old shark swimming up to me, I says, ‘Ashdod, here's your chance to become eligible for the Bit By Sharks.’ That's what I says; and I says, ‘Like as not, the critter will bite your dumbed old head clean off, you fool, you!’ That’s what I says; and I says, ‘Who cares? Come, sharkey, and have a chaw off of your Uncle Ashdod!’ "* “And the shark wouldn’t pay no at- tention?"’ said Sim Perkins, ‘It's fun- ny how sharks won’t bite blacks or fee- ble-mindeds, ain’t it?” “Bite?” said Uncle Ashdod. ‘‘I should say he would bite!"" “You said awhile back that he would- n'tbite,’’ suggested Sim Perkins, “‘Well,”’ said Un- cle Ashdod, ‘‘he would bite and he wouldn’t! He was so mighty anxious to bite me that he flopped over on his said Uncle Ashdod, ‘‘and I didn’t know what to think. I was mighty worried, I tell you! No telling what a member- ship committee will do. Some of ’em might say a feller that had been swal- lered whole was bit, and some might say he wasn’t bit, and the chances was they would say he wasn’t bit. And then I wouldn’t be eligible. I was mighty worried, I tell you! If that shark had only chawed off a leg or two whilst I was going down’’. “But you can’t never depend on this climate,’’ said Sim Perkins. ‘Maybe she'll rain, and maybe she won't rain’’—— “If the dinged old shark had only had false teeth,’’ said Uncle Ashdod, ‘‘they might have slipped down his throat and bit me, anyway; but there wasn’t noth- ing for me to do but tickle the old codger till he tried to stick his head down his throat and bite me. So I tickled him all the ways I knew how. There was forty- seven way: The first way’?—— **Pshaw!’’ said Sim Perkins disgust- edly. ‘What do I care whether it rains or not, anyway? A little rain won't hurt a’’—— “So at first the old shark only giggled a bit,’’ said Uncle Ashdod, ‘‘and then he began to flop; and when I got to tickling comicbooks.com