Judge — February 4, 1911 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Reflections of Uncle Ezra. By ROY K. MOULTON ISS EUPHEMIA MUDGE, our poetess of passion, who writes the epithets for all the tombstones in our locality, says there ain't nothing el n this world like luv; and I guess, by ginger! it is a good thing there ain't. There ain’t no tellin’ what’is goin’ to happen when a woman with a limber sunbonnet hangin’ over her face gets hold of a garden hose. There may be some feller in this broad land of ours who has been able to sneak in through the back yard late at night without gettin’ mixed up with a wire clothes-line, but I don’t believe it. Beware the feller that always starts It is gettin’ so that almost nobody wears earmuffs and arctics but book agents. The old sayin s that the good die young. They have to die young to be very good nowadays. Hank Purdy’s four-year-old kid kin make smoke rings already. Grandpa Perkins says when he dies he is goin’ to have the Hardshell Church choir sing at his funeral, and then every- body will be sorry he is dead. To have a good, quiet, harmonious funeral, the will should be read after- ward instead of before. When Hi Spink died they made the mistake of readin’ it before the funeral, and four of the principal mourners landed in the police station for assault and battery, and nine JUSTIFIABLE SUSPICION His majesty"s chamberlain—"' Enter Mr. Bunny. receives inside."’ Mr. Bunny (suspiciously) —"' Bat all the footprints point in, none out ?"* in—' True, my friend; but you shouldn't let that worry you. Chamberlain— His majesty, being indisposed to-day, Were you fa- miliar with court etiquette you 'd know it demands you retreat from His Presence backwards."" his stories this way, ‘‘I suppose you have all heard this one,’’ for nine times out of ten you all have. A Chicago man has had to pay $25,000 for alienatin’ the affections of another feller’s wife, which is only another ex- ample of the high cost of lovin’. There is only one more pathetic sight in this world than Eliza crossin’ the ice, and that is a one-armed man hookin’ his wife up the back. The tailors will probably be gettin’ to work soon on anew play for John Drew. It may come to pass some day that Nat Goodwin and Lillian Russell will have nobody to marry but each other. Education is a splendid thing, but I never yet see a college professor who could make as much money as a plumber. There is about as much use ina fat man tryin’ to make people believe he is sick as there is for a celluloid cat to try to run through a bonfire. of the ornery pallbearers didn’t show up at all, There is just about as much use put- tin’ a seven-dollar man in a seventy-dollar job as there is in tryin’ to grade off a country road with a safety razor. Valentines. y’TTIS EASY enough to look pleasant With costly gifts com- ing apace, But (the maiden worth while Is the one smile At a penny one with paper lace. who will BALDHEADED man has no hair- breadth escapes. PERFECTLY SAFE. A LIGHT-WEIGHT CHAMPION. “* My brother Jim is this town’s champion light-weight.”” “+ T didn’t know he was a pugilist."” “He isn’t; he 's a grocer.”” From Missouri—Had To Be Shown. NCE upon a time a book agent got the Hon. Champ Clark, of Mis- souri, into a corner, and, though his vic- tim was helpless, the agent was not cruel, “1 beg your pardon,’ “T have a volume here which I » said solicit- ously. don’t want to trouble you with, but I hope you will permit me to show"’ “Don't apologize, don't apologize !"’ Mr. Clark broke in impulsively. ‘I know you've got to do it. I'm from Missouri."" The First of the Month. T WAS after his fifteenth disappoint- ment that the bill collector collected his thoughts and remarked, ‘‘It js strange how doorbells are out of order along about the first of every month!’ many (ao oven comicbooks.com