Judge — November 19, 1910 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GOOD-BY TO THE OLD TIES. It Is The Height Of— Generosity—To tip yourself ten every time you shave yourself. Ostentation—To place a taximeter in your automobile to show others how much it would have cost you at space rates. Courtesy To rise in a vehicle of public transportation and offer your seat to the pet poodle of the lady sitting next to you. Disinterestedness—To act as your wife’s attorney in her efforts to secure a divorce from you, giving up your business at home to go to Reno and try her case. Humility—To sit in-the front row of the theater at the first production of your own piece and help the audience hiss it off the stage. Impudence—To tell your employer that if he does not arrive at the office more punc- tually hereafter you will consider his place vacant and get another. Courage—To turn your back resolutely upon her father after he has threatened by all the gods of high Olympus to kick you out of the house. Agony—To have the dentist brace himself with his heels on your pet corn while he is tugging away upon a reluctant wisdom tooth with his forceps. Equity—To send your jilted rival a check in full for the amount of his courtship ex- penses up to the hour of your elopement with his best girl. Iiocy—To excuse yourself to your Heart's sire for having kissed her in the dark on the ground that you thought it was another girl. Nerve--To go down into the kitchen and in the presence of the presiding deity thereof make the same disagreeable remarks about the cooking that you treat your wife to. Extravagance—To take out a policy ina burglar insurance company on the contents of either the county jail or the State's prison. Absent-mindedness—To place your smoked cigar stub in your eyeglass case and throw your glasses out of the window of the smok- ing-car. cents JUDGE Forgiveness—To give a letter of rec- ommendation as a sober, honest, and obliging person to the cook who has chased you out of the kitchen with the carving knife because you suggested that she ought to sell her waffles to the Navy Department for use on heavily armored battleships. Affability—To poke your employer playfully in the ribs and address him familiarly as ‘‘Old Whiskers,"’ while inquiring as to the state of his liver. Friendship—To send your extrava- gant friend at Christmastime a book of blank promissory notes, with your indorsement on the back of each one of them. Fame—To find your name used as the title of a five-cent cigar whose excel- lence is publicly proclaimed on all the barn roofs along the line of a trans- continental railway from New York to San Francisco. Heroism —To dive out of an airship, five nd feet above the earth, after your w, who has fallen overboard and cannot swim in the air. Jealousy—To toss madly about on your sleepless couch because you have discovered your wife waving her hand out of the win- dow at her grandfather. How To Keep the Children on the Farm. T° keep the young folks on the farm has been declared a serious national prob- lem, The ex-President and James J. Hill have proposed elaborate and complicated remedies. The solution, however, is ridicu- lously simple. Let the legislatures of agri- cultural States pass laws requiring country girls to wear hobble skirts. Thus the girls can't leave the farm; and the boys won't. | rec | } ~ AN Neh =x A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. ‘How interesting! You say you are an old soldier.'"—— “Yes, lady, I've been ‘soldiering’ all me life and I expect to ‘soldier’ the rest of it.'” s Next on the Program. By. W. CAREY WONDERLY, "Freer went to Africa, Shot a hundred things; Teddy went to Europe, Hobnobbed there with kings. Teddy went campaigning, Teddy wrote a book, Next went aeroplaning— Laughed at death, gazook! Now a feeling comes a-stealing, And a Small voice won’t be still— Will we find our Teddy shortly Headlining in vaudeville? A Goose Trade. MARY had a little goose, The old thing wouldn’t gobble; She took it to the rummage sale And swapped it for a hobble. TELEPATHIC. “I felt tough, old man, when I found it was impossible for me to get out to eat Thanksgiving turkey with you."" “Extraordinary coincidence, the turkey seemed to feel the same way."’ comicbooks.com