Judge, 1910-10-01 · page 6 of 16
Judge — October 1, 1910 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page collects brief humorous stories and verses typical of Judge's satirical style: **"A Failure"** mocks children's naïveté—Willie doesn't understand cows have no faucets to turn on for milk, treating the animal like plumbing. **"A Metamorphosis"** jokes about the automobile craze: a driver who crashed his car (it "turned turtle") now drives an old automobile instead—no real progress. **"Through Fire and Water"** satirizes ironic corporate misfortune: a fire at a kindling company spreads minimally, but destroys samples of "fireproof roofing" above and "waterproof clothing" below—the specialized products fail their intended purposes. **"English as She Is Spoke"** critiques contemporary slang, particularly mocking the abbreviated terms "auto" and "phone" (from automobile and telephone) and "aeroplane," treating them as vulgar corruptions of proper language. **"Farmer's Luck"** depicts a farmer's spray damaging his own fruit crop instead of pests—situational irony presented humorously. These represent Judge's typical mix of observational humor about modern life and social pretension.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“Sh-b-h! Hush, child, the farmer !"" “Oh, he ‘ll see it. Quick, mamma, let me hide it." A Failure. ILLIE’S mother took him and his lit- tle sister to spend a week with rela- tives in the country. Here the sight of an old cow browsing on the hillside caught the lad’s fancy. So, when milking time came that day, Willie grabbed a pail and, with his sister at his side, started off for the A METAMORPHOSIS. y, I thought you were driving an automobile these days ?"* o 1 was; but the old thing turned turtle on me."” milk. at the milking business, fore both children reapp house with an empty pail. “‘Well,’’ inquired the mother, addressing the girl, ‘couldn't Willie get any milk from the cow?" “No,"” replied the child; how to turn on its fa'cets. But this being his first experience was not long be- ed at the farm- “he didn’t know “Gosh, wouldn't that jar you! Here I have sprayed for coddling moths, fungus, and JUDGE At the Husking Bee. By CHARLES C. JONES, At a husking it happened, Right close around here. Every one saw my find— Did she blush? Never mind! Even that wasn’t queer! And she dodged and I kissed her Right on — ——— ———! Through Fire and Water. 66 YAJAS IT much of a blaze?” asked the news editor hopefully. “*No,"" answered the reporter, in disgust. ‘Started in the ware- rooms of the Touch-and-Go Kindling Company—didn't make much head- way; but on the floor above, the samples of the Fire- proof Roofing Com- Pany were ruined by the heat, and on the floor below the stock of the War- ranted Waterproof Clothing Company was badly damaged by getting wet.”” A Mere Sham. se MP Hs,”” explained the cigar salesman, ill make an excellent pipe for your husband. It’s a meerschaum.”” “How dare you, sir,’ the lady demanded indignant! ‘ttempt to sell me a fraudu- lent article! I want the genuine or noth- ing.”” HE MILLS of the gods grind slowly, and even more slowly move the wheels of the law. FARMER'S LUCK. and knocks down all the greenings at wanst. “I'll be hanged if I know. I hadn't a friend in the bunch."” English as She Is Spoke. By CAROLYN WELLS AM NOT pedantic, I hope, But some of the words that I hear In general usage to-day Do jar on a sensitive ear. Gramraatical errors and slang I'll excuse, but I candidly own I cannot and will not forgive The man who says ‘‘auto”’ and “*phone."” But now a new nuisance is here, And worse than the rest, I ma I feel just as if I could choke The man who says sich ; and now comes an aviating school