Judge — September 24, 1910 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Editor's Dodge. GOOD story is told of aman who start- ed a paper in a Western town, The town was in- fested by gamblers, whose presence was a source of annoyance to the eitizens, who told the editor that if he did not come out a; it them they would not patrorize his paper. replied that he would give them a smasher next day. Sure enough, his next issue contained the prom- ised smasher; and on the fol- lowing morning the redoubt- able editor, with scissors in , was seated in his sanc- tum, when in walked a man with a club in his who demanded to know i editor was in. “No, sir,” “he has stepped out. seat and read the papers. will return in a minute.” Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed his legs, with his club between them, and commenced reading a paper. In the meantime the editor vamoosed downstairs, and at the landing he met another ex- cited man, with a cudgel in his hand, who asked him if the editor was in. “Yes, sir," was the quick response; “you will find him upstairs reading a newspaper.’” The latter, on entering the room, with an oath commenced a violent sault upon the former, which was re- sisted with equal ferocity. The fight was continued till they both rolled to the foot of the stairs and pounded each other to their hearts’ content.—Cole’s Fun Doctor. was the reply; Take a He An Old Table. “That is probably the oldest piece of furniture in England,”’ said a collector of antique curiosities to a friend, point- ing to a venerable-looking table. “How old is it?’ asked the friend. “Nearly four hundred years.’” “Pshaw! that is nothing! I have a table more than two thousand years eld.” “'Indeed!"" “Yes; the multiplication table.” “ Ask Me No More.” “Who is the lady dressed black?” “That is a Sister of Charity."” t pause. he, mamma—Faith or A certain judge called a prisoner id the crim- “Put your words closer together,” said the judge. Her Hair, the has a wealth of hair.”’ es, at least fifteen dollars’ worth. ~Chicago Record-Herald. The Benefit of the Doubt. Little girl—*What's the matter?” Little boy—'I'm crying because my mamma has just gone to heaven. girl—“Oh! but p’haps she With Apologies. “Just filling space’’ is oft the cause Of editor's dejection; Which is, no doubt, the reason why Life has its vivi-section. —Yale Record. - question of time before they assassi- HIS HOME SHAVE. I sit on the chair and I let the brush fly All over my face, from the chin to the eye; ‘Then with the old razor I have, full of joy, The shave that is velvet, and not corduroy. I push the old razor with speed o'er my chin, And crack the wire whiskers two days ‘neath the skin; ‘And as the chair wobbles I break into song, While to its andante I shave right along. At last, when I've finished, I feel spick and span, ‘And quite like another hen-bred Afri-can. "Tis then loud I shout, while my features I lave, “Harrah for the joys of the dandy home shave !”” A Hard Cut. “This,” said Cwesar mournfully, as he vainly tried to masticate his Texas round steak, ‘‘is the most unkindest cut ‘of all. After this, of course, it was only a nated him.—Stanford University Cha- Quite Evident. “This light dress spots awfully fou bet! I spotted it two blocks away."’-—Yale Record. Every lover of = good cocktail should call for Abbott's Bitters, Makes tho best. Gargoyles. A college freshman was showing some | bi friends the sights of the campus last week. He was very proud of the new architecture. “See those things sticking out from the roof, don’t you?”’ asked the fresh- man, pointing to a number of weird figures of stone. ‘‘Well, last year a/ se fellow called em gargoyles.”” lady | He laughed, but his friends waited. | “The funny thing about that was,” said the freshman, ‘‘that the name ha: stuck to ‘em ever since. body calls ’em gargoyles.""—American College. “Some ob de smartest men,’”’ said Uncle Eben, “ ‘pe: smartness in mal |body else could have thought of."”"— | Washington Star. Then, bringing himself to a halt, \ He said, ‘‘This, girl, is all your fault. Jhad the grocer open a fresh barrel er inspection, | getting busy; “I’ve buildings and attempted to describe the end of the barrel! Now every- entered Yi to use up dair|de Macaroni is mistakes dat no-| he an ardent suitor?” | zied financier.”"—Chicago News. Maud and the Aeroplane. Mavd Muller, on a summer's! day, Was in the meadow raking hay. | She always had enjoyed good health, But had a hankering for wealth, | | Her cheeks were red, her eyes were brown; She longed to live in the far- off town. | She wished she might be richly | dressed, And circulate among the best. The judge came sailing up the | | lane, Upon his nice, new aeroplane. Below him he beheld the maid, And tried to stop, and swooped | and swayed. | He ripped a top rail from the fence, | And talked as if he had no sense. | The engine got beyond control, The judge lost his immortal , soul. Egyptian Deities ‘The Utmost in Cearettes* Before the feast, after the feast, always Cork Tips or Plain Maud stood there with a sickly | ———— grin, Until he hit her with a fin. “My Lord!"’ she yelled, and ducked away; The judge lit on a pile of hay. | She hurried where the spring gushed up And filled her little old tin cup. At first she thought the judge was dead, But she splashed the water on his head. | He looked upon And said some things that gave Maud aeroplane pain, . At last he rose, and with a frown He started for the distant town. “If you had not been raking here, I'd have stayed in the atmosphere. “You've cost me;dear and spoiled my sport; I'll fine you for contempt of court!"* bother. He then went onward up the lane, And Maud returned to work again. She gazed upon his wrecked machine And ae “Alas! what might have been | Here’s to You! No fuss, no trouble, no Simply strain through cracked ice and serve. Martial (gia bese) ond Manhatten (whishey base) are the mest popular. At all good dealers. G_F_HEUBLEIN & BRO. Hartford New York Londen “Ab, well, in heaven we'll all have wings And not depend on such fool things!’” —Chicago Record-Herald. Small Ones at the Bottom. “Oh, my! What very small ap- ples!" said the lady who just, for juaranteed "to © Write for Cat & al. jewelry Co, 469 N. Ba “Excuse me, madam,”’ said the man, pened the wrong —Yonkers States. | Used to 'Em. The Red Hen tells this story of a Yale| nior who had just proposed to a young *Yes, I'will be yours.on one condi- ‘That’s all right, First heiress—‘T understand Count ing court to you. Is Second heiress—'‘Oh, no; he’s a fren- In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. Quickly Relieves: Biliousness, Sick Headache, Stomach Disorders, jn a CONSTIPATIO AT ALL onUccISTS JUDGE’S LIBRARY _ A MAGAZINE ¢f FUN September Number All Newsdealers 10¢