Judge — September 3, 1910 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Pickings from Joe Miller’s Joke Book. Old friends, old books, old wine. He Didn't Mean It, After All. RIDE is not always a good thing. A certain venerable bishop, who prided himself on his dig- nity, was having his portrait paint- ed by an eminent artist. After sit-| ting in silence for | about an hour his lordship thought he would like to break the monot- ony with a re- mark. Soh ‘id to the artist, ‘How are you getting on?” To the astonishment of the sitter, the painter, absorbed in his work, re- plied, “* Move your head a little that -way and shut your mouth!"* Jot being used to being spoken to in this fashion the bishop said, ‘May I ask why you address me in this man- ner?”? Still absorbed, the artist replied, ‘I want to take off a little of your cheek!" The bishop didn’t ask another. One Too Many for Her. An old Indy was one day walking through the streets of London when the tray of a butcher's boy came in contact. with her and soiled her dress. ‘'The deuce take the lady angrily take the tray, * replied the boy. “Quite English, You Know!" An old lady visiting Paris for the first time was greatly annoyed at hear- she could stand it no longer, #0 sharply turning around on the offend- era, indignantly exclaimed, ‘* You" quite mistaken—you are foreigners, I'm English!" Less Said the Better. During a storm at sea a reprobate | sailor, in a frightful panic, was loudly praying to the Virgin. ‘‘Hold your| noise!" cried a messmate; “if you re: mind her that you are aboard she'll send the ship to the bottom !"" He Deserved To Win. A farmer, finding a dozen idlers stretched out on the ground, offered a| shilling to the laziest one of the lot. Eleven jumped up and claimed the re-| ward, each asserting himself to be the laziest. The shilling, however, w given to the twelfth, who had slothfully kept his position. Imperfect Information. A poet says, “Oh! she was fair, but sorrow came and left his traces there.”” He doesn’t state what became of the rest of the harness, from ale drinking are distinctive and cannot be measured by any other beverage. Evans Ale is a revelation to the uninitiated, Once you try it you wonder how you got along without it a Splits If desired. Cabs, Restaurants, C. HL EVANS & SONS, Hudson, N.Y. Why not a few old jokes? | The Worst “Ism.” A certain zealous preacher happened to miss a constant auditor from his congrega- tion. Schism had already |made some depredations in the fold, which caused the minister some anxiety. “What keeps our friend, Farmer B—, away from us?” he asked his clerk. ‘I have not seem him these three weeks; I hope it is not Socinianism. God forbid it “ sir; it is something worse than that.”" Atheisi it is Rheuma- COMING SOON —“‘ SEEING THE UNIVERSE"; OR, THE ‘‘ RUBBERNECK AEROPLANE” Hard Times. Hard times have even reached the millionaires. ‘‘! don’t suppose you know what hard times are,’’ said a man to one of the house-servants of a Ithy baroness in Paris. ‘Oh, yes, we do, for it was only this morning that I saw the baroness anc the daughter playing on one pianner."” English As She Is Spoke. As a train was ‘‘slowing”’ into a sta- tion, a passenger, wishing to warn a Frenchman who was sitting very close to the window cried, ‘*Look out!"" Upon which the Frenchman thrust out his head and got a nasty knock. “Ze stupid Englishman,’? exclaimed y, ‘look out,’ ven he vants to “The Stage Waits.” “Now, children,”” said a teacher, I want you to be very still, so you can hear a pin drop.” In a moment all was still, when a little boy cried out, “Let it drop!”” injustice of the press in condemning his new tragedy, an author said the censures were unjust, for the audi- ence 10,” replied the friend; could they yawn and hiss together? A Sure Thing. “Do you think I could put the twen- ty-five cent piece which the lady holds, into your coat pocket, asked the con- jurer?”” No, sir,”’ said the little boy; ‘I know you couldn’t.’” “Why not?’" “Because the pocket is all torn out.”” Taking Her Part. That was greedy of you, Tomm: eat your little sister's share of cak You told me, ma, I was always to take her part,” Tommy. MAKING HITS. Knicker—" Did you make a hit with the audience last night ?"" Bocker—"* No, but the audience made several hits 1" In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. A Good Reason. 1 oonaisixe of the a A Singular Exception. The curate overheard the schoolmas- ter giving lessons in grammar. ‘You cannot place a, the singular article,” said the preceptor, “before plural nouns. No one can say a pigs, a women, a'’—— “Nonsense."’ cried the curate, ‘‘the Prayer-book knows better than you, I |should think, or it wouldn’t teach me to say a-men.’” How To Take It. A schoolboy, being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, “If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the Italian system—the heavy strokes upward and the down ones light. LACK OF MONEY WAS A Go! D IN THIS CASE. It is not always that a lack of money ° is a benefit. “A lady, of Green Forest, Ark., owes her health to the fact that she could not pay in advance the fee demanded by a specialist to treat her for stomach trouble. In telling of her case she says: | ‘Thad been treated by four different physicians during 10 years of stomach trouble. Lately I called on another who tola me he could not cure me; that I had neuralgia of the stomach. Then I went to a specialist who told me I had catarrh of the stomach and said he would cure me in four months but would have to have his money down. I could not raise the necessary sum and in my extremity I was led to quit coffee and try Postum. “So I stopped coffee and gave Pos- tum a thorough trial and the results have been magical. I now sleep well at night, something I had not done for along time; the pain in my stomach is gone and I am a different woman. “I dreaded to quit coffee because every time I had tried to stop it I suffered from severe headaches, so I continued to drink it although I had |reason to believe it was injurious to |me, and was the cause of my stomach trouble and extreme nervousness. But when I had Postum to shift to it was different. To my surprise I did not miss coffee when I began to drink Postum. ‘* Coffee had been steadily and surely killing me and I didn’t fully realize what was doing it until I quit snd changed to Postum."* Ever read the above letter? A new one appears from time to time. They are genuine, trae, and full of human interest.