Judge — July 2, 1910 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Hans, the Great Slugger. (With apologies to Leigh Hunt, Hans Wagner, and the reader.) By E,W. TEITZEL, HANS. the great slugger (may he bat the same!), Dreamed one night, after a trying game. He saw, upon the dresser in his room, A scorekeeper, who wrote, despite the gloom, Upon the mirror with a piece of soap. His heavy hitting had filled him with hope, And to the presence in the room he said, “Whatchu writin’?”” The scorer rai And in a voice acq “The names of those who bat above .300."” “Yuh got me down?” asked Hans. ‘Nope, not here!” Returned the scorekeeper; and Hans drew near. “Then say that, when the contest hinged on it, T always willing was to sacrifice a hit.”” The scorer wrote; but at the season's close He came again, and everybody knows That in the list of those who batted best, As in past years, Hans's name led all the rest. The Divorcee’s Dictionary. AMaséy Manaal forthe Chorus Gdt with Aspirations OVE—A hypnotic state of the emotions superin- duced by close and intimate contact with an at- tractive member of the opposite sex, and which is capable of rendering the most coolly calculating cap- JUDGE'S ADVICE—" YOU MAY BE SORRY." tuin of industry subject to the whim and caprice of the third from the end in the front row. SCANDAL—The worth-while flavor to the decoction—from a MARRIAGE—The rose-thorned shackle assumed by the parties newspaper standpoint. following the love trance. THE STAGE—An artistic field of refuge ready to be uplifted by DIVORCE—The two-edged, venom-tipped instrument used by the entry of those who have been through the mills and stirred up the courts in severing the rose-thorny shackles. sufficient rumpus to string out the procession at the box office. The Morning of the Fifth. H, SAY can you see, by the dawn’s early light, Quite as well as you could early yesterday morning > Are your members all here? Is your hearing all right? Are no plasters or stitches your features adorning? Did the rocket’s red glare and the pinwheel’s fierce flare Pass you happily by as they shot through the air? If s0, thank your stars that once more you have tricked the grave, In the land of the free and the home of the brave! Bill Rendered. MOTHER NATURE, Purveyor of Health and Sickness. To A. Hyliver, To one year of riotous living, - - Chronic invalidism. Collection will be immediately enforced. The Other Extreme. «¢\JTELL,” sighs the man with the wash tie, “ now that the aeroplane is becoming popular the women won't spend 80 much money for automobile bats and veils.” “*No,’? growls the men with the ingrowing moustache, “ But they ’Il blow in just as much on silk stockings and high- heeled shoes.’” THEN HE CROAKED. Frog—"" Oh, there is a subway entrance. I wonder whether the expresses are running ?"" CO-RESPONDENT—The “ prominent club man"? or “* Broad- way favorite” who furnishes the spice for the proceedings. BYSTANDER—An unfortunate onlooker who sometimes gets it in the neck, heart, or other vital geographical Iscation when the (()P! injured party goes gunning for the co-respondent. ALIMONY—A sinecure adhering to the feminine end of the entanglement, payable in weekly or monthly install- ments, and varying in proportions accord- ing to the Dun and Bradstreet’s rating of the masculine quantity. RENO, NEVADA—The earthly par- adise of those who are about to go through the mills. SIOUX FALLS—See above. UNWRITTEN LAW—The Code Bourbon, which allows the injured party to mow down the co-respond- ents, bystanders, and the injuring party by battalions, and then to plead emotional insanity or justifiable homi- THE PACE THAT KILLS. cide. “ Poor old Dick! Muscle-bound in both wings from racing with those new airships !"* PORTUNITY often knocks at a man’s kitchen door at the very time he is taking his ease in the parlor. comicbooks.com