Judge — June 25, 1910 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE SCIENTIFIC MOTHERHOOD. By JOHN KENDRICK BANGS. pets tead recently at various Mothers’ Meetings throughout the countty nave resulted in many valuable additions to the Science of Motberbood.""—Daily paper.) H, DEARY me! Oh, deary me! ‘That such a thing should ever be— That motherhood should come at last And 'mongst the sciences be classed, With chemistry, astroromy, And gee and ento mology! I'm mighty glad, you may be sure, My mother was an amateur! The scientific mother jogs Her infant like a thing of cogs; And cradles now no longer rock, Lest nervous systems they shall shock. The child is placed within a sling— A sort of antiseptic swing— And not too fast, and not too slow, Fair science sways him to and fro. The little babe's no longer pressed Against his untaught mother's breast, But held at arm's length, so that he May gather girth expansively; And when his little tummy’s filled With milk and pepsin thrice distilled, He goes to dreamland by the rule On couch of medicated wool. The mother’s kiss is obsolete, As also is her hug so sweet; Because that dearest kiss of youth Holds microbes dangerous, forsooth! And every show of mother-love, With eyes lit like the skies above, Is quite forbidden, lest it serve To enervate the infant nerve. No scientific mother cheers With baby talk the infant ears, But inolds his character with speech Such as the icy purists teach; And lullabies and soothing hand To send him into slumberland Cold science treats with sniffs and shrugs, As merely sentimental drugs. And when, perchance, the science kid Hath done some thing that is forbid, He does not feel the gentle tap Face down across his mother's lap; But, shivering with fear and awe, >> Is taught the majesty of law That justice holds a flaming sword, Though virtue’s i And when the child of science plays, "Tis all in scientific ways. He may not pull his daddy's hair, Or play his granddad is a bear— be A game like that would give, you see, False notions of zoology; And fairy tales are all tabooed By scientific motherhood. Poor little chap, by science bred, On rule and regulation fed! To go through all your babytime be With ne'er a song or nursery rhyme, And not a bit of natural play To cheer you on your baby way! Great Scott! I'm mighty glad, I'm sure, My mother was an amateur! “ HAT colors shall I wear at the sea- shore 2”" “Fast colors.” THE RIGHT HUE. [ GOOD ADVICE. BEFORE you use your neighbor's advice, weigh it. DVICE is as cheap as ev- _ A LITTLE GUN PLAY AT RENO, NEV. A és BENEFITS OF THE NO.-TIP SYSTEM. er, in spite of ie «¢ ]T MUST work a hardship on you—this no-tip- advance cost:o ping rule of the house,"’ says the man at the all other com: window table. modities. ONE HUNDRED AND “TWO IN THE SHADE." TEN LITTLE HUMORISTS. (Sugcested by JUDGE: esitorial.) N LITTLE humorists invited out to dine; One tipped the hostess’s maid, Then there was wii Nine little humorists writing jokes in stat One mailed his manuscripts, Then there was wait. Eight little humorists golfing as of yore; One sent his caddie out, Then there was ‘‘ Fore!"" Four little humorists wooed the Widow Funn; Each tried his sweetest art, Then four were won. One little humorist guileless of tricks; Wrote a novel a la James, Then there were nix! N EASY mark and his dollar mark are soon apart. AS ADVERTISED. “« Bein’ 1 won't come ter taown soon ag'in, I cal'late I'll jest step across an’ see what that fellér will fence my new pastur’ land fer."” suh,"’ answers the gentlemanly waiter. “Yo! see, suh, de gemmen an’ ladies dat bo’ds heah, dey knows it is ‘gainst de rules, so dey slips us de tips on de sly an’ makes "em biggeh den othahwise, so’s we won't gib it away.” CONVENTIONAL, «¢ ()H, WILL you marry me?” he cried, While he his wooing waged. ‘« I'm sorry to say ‘ No,’’’ she sighed; “* But we can be engaged. JUST THE SAME «6WVES, we get all the benefits of moun- tain climbing here,” says the man with the fringed whiskers. “Mountain climbing?” asks the man who has just arrived. ‘ Why, there isn't ahill ten feet high within twenty miles!"” ““T know; but we sleep on the fifth floor and there is no elevator."” comicbooks.com