Judge — March 26, 1910 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Fawr Fos, =j| For SALE, THE NATIONAL COLD STORAGE HUMOR COMPANY. Witperrorce Jenkins, President, HE PROMOTERS of this corporation, having observed the ‘i growing difficulties under which the jokesmiths of the day are laboring in the production of new jests, have formed this institution for the purpose of excavating the mounds of the ancients in search of material so old that it is to all in- tents and purposes as good as new. We take pleasure in an- nouncing to the public that our first expeditions into forgotten treasuries of mirth have been highly successful, and we are now prepared to furnish our patrons with guaranteed humorous antiques, so completely restored as to be absolutely indistin- guishable from the newer humor of the hour. It gives us great pleasure to present herewith a few specimens of our early spring models as fair examples of the superior kind of work turned out by our shops. FROM THE TOMB OF PTOMMY PTUCKER, EGYPTIAN, 3009. B. Cc. “When is a door not a door?”” “When it’s a jar.”” This has been remodeled by our experts and is now offered to our patrons in assorted lengths and sizes, as follows: “When is a door not a door? “When it is an ambassador. dor.” Or, ‘When it is a troubadour."" Or, ‘* When it is a humidor."” Or, ‘* When it is a Labrador.”” And so on in fifty-seven varieties. Or, ‘* When it is a torea- FROM AN UNDATED MOUND IN THE AZTEC COUNTRY, ABOUT 5897 B. c. “How to eatch a squir- rel.”” “* Hide in a tree and make a noise like a nu! This fine specimen of an- tique wit has been restored by us and may now be had ad lib. in something like the fol- lowing forms: “How to pass for an old maid.”” “Put ona Mother Hub- bard and make a noise like an unsqueezed lemon.” “ How to catch a robin, “Crawl out of a piece of sod and warble like a worm.”” “How to get into so- ciety.” THE MILLSTONES, Horace Dopp Gastit, Secretary and Treasurer. “Hide in an opera box and crackle like a fresh govern- ment bond."* “How to get a full supply of boots, hairbrushes, hand mir- rors, and other toilet articles.”” “Sit on a backyard fence at the rear of a fashionable apartment house and make a noise like two cats."” We have on hand an interminable supply of revised ver- sions of the jest covering nearly every possible situation in life, ready for immediate delivery. FROM AN OLD TEMPLE ON THE SITE OF THE GARDEN OF EDEN. Eve (on the way out)—‘‘ Oh, Adam, look! There’s another apple!” Adam (gloomily)—“ Great Scott, Eve! You don’t want to fall again, do you?”” : LATER VERSION, FROM DIOGENES LAERTIUS, ABOUT 300 4. D. Diogenes has just been knocked down by a carpenter car- rying a beam. Carpenter—* Look out, there !'’ Diogenes—'* What! You are not going to hit me again, are you?” STILL LATER VERSION, AMERI- CAN, 1907. Pat has just been hurled into the gutter by a passing automobile. Chauffeur (in distance)— “Why don’t you get out of the way?” Pat (rubbing the back of his head ruefully)—“‘Ye ain’t comin’ back, are ye?” We shall be pleased, on and after April 1st, 1910, to receive orders from those to whom our product may ap- peal, and promise prompt at- tention to all requests re- ceived either by mail or by wire. Our terms are reason- able, covering barely more than the cost of reproduction and transmission to the point All orders must be accompanied by cur- rent funds amounting to not less than five dollars per gross. comicbooks.com