Judge — March 12, 1910 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE'S FAVORITE. GERTRUDE VANDERBILT. IN “THE JOLLY BACHELORS.” BROADWAY THEATER. ‘That smile of yours will make one laugh, ‘And drive away his care and sorrow. ‘To see you in The Bachelors" Is worth the price, though one must borrow. THE ABSENTEE! By WILLIAM J. LAMPTON [nes seie—Hon, Cramp leader of In work hours or in play, Among the makers of our laws When Champ Clark is away. He doesn’t answer to his name When roll is called each day, And ever there's a vacant chair When Champ Clark is away. His voice is silent in the House, He leads not in the fray, And yet the business keeps right on When Champ Clark is away. HAL Gunmen Sd. THE WAY IT LOOKED. Derothy—''Oh, Jimmie! See the poor little dog with band- cuffs on his face."” JUDGE A BALLAD OF TEETHING By STRICKLAND GILLILAN UR YEARLING youth is incubating fangs. We watch with him in day and night shift gangs, Trying to hush the languageless harangues In which he rails at awful, gum-born pangs. Alternately we walk the hardwood floor And strive to still his loud, unresting roar. We feed him dope from our domestic store, Hoping gray dawn may show one molar more. A bas that white and shining ivory row That in the tooth paste advertisements show! Bicuspids bring an overplus of woe— A nuisance when they come and when they go! A PRESERVED CHESTNUT. “ Bt THIS joke is many, many years old!’’ protested the indignant editor of the National Tickler. “* True,"’ admitted the smiling humorist ; “‘but you must remember that I have had it in cold storage all the while.”” POOR BUT PROUD. Miss Slummer—'* We were thinking of establishing some ‘soup kitchens’ in your neighborhood, Mrs. Slum." Mrs. Slum—‘ Us ladies couldn't pai ronize anything as common as that, m but you might put in a few ‘ soup parlors. ATLAS. LITTLE five-year-old who had been watching ter mother dress for an even- ing entertainment surprised her mother with the following question: ‘ Mother, = didn’t you say you were almost forty years old?"" r= “Yes,” replied the mother. **Well,’’ answered the little girl, ** you don’t look it to-night, but you will to-morrow morning.”” A REMODELED TEXT. “ PERHAPS you could preach us a ser- mon about ‘the condition of things in our town," says the resident pastor to the visitirg one. ‘* Saloons, gambling houses, and the like run wide open all the time, and the offi- cers pay no attention to them. ‘Yes,’ agrees the visitor. “IT might take ss my text, ‘There is no arrest for the wicked.’"" A GOLD BRICK. ‘HERE are farmers and farm- ers in this world. The worst case of the latter class that has come to our notice is that of the fellow who recently invested his money in the acquisition of several “‘ herds of African cocoa- nuts," under the impression that he could milk them every morn- ing, and so smash the power of the cream trust. A man who would believe that could be brought to think that riding ina subway car during the rush hour was evidence of standing in the community. THE CHORUS FROM THE CHICKS. “ Mother, please make papa keep his legs still !"* NO HELP NEEDED. LITTLE miss of five years who had been allowed to stay up for an even- ing party was told about eight-thirty to go to bed. Very, very slowly she moved tow- ard the stair. An aunt, seeing her relue- tance, asked, ‘‘ Helen, can I do anything to help you? “No,"? replied Helen. ‘I will get there altogether too soon as it i ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE. Broter Nephewwe—"* Yeoop! this excitement is bully !” Uncle Ezra: ybe ‘tis; but Tean’t bear it." SPRING MARKET REPORT FOR POETS, ETC. Compiled by DON CAMERON SHAFER ‘VERSES this morning opened weak and off about one cent a word under heavy sell- ing by professional poets, influenced by weak- nesses in magazine editorial rooms. The movement against high prices for well-known writers is having a decided effect ‘on the sentiment. Jokes were somewhat higher, owing to favorable weather, good dinners, and larger advertising receipts. Skits to-day had a partial recovery, being covered by shorts, but later eased on further selling. The undertone was very nervous, and sentiment, on the whole, was bearish, although cash markets in New York were steady. Short stories rallied on last night's close, but sagged after two had been sold. . During the noon hour trading in special ticles was rather quiet, but prices were steady, advancing three-quarters of a cent per word. comicbooks.com