Judge — December 18, 1909 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Suage- JHE CYNIC’S EXAMINATION PAPERS FOR EVERYBODY. THE BARBER. WHO was the author of the well- 1 known saying, ‘Speech is nickel, @ silence a quarte 2, What is your opinion of the weather clerk's monumental work, ‘* The Breeding of Weather-cocks,'’ with special reference to the egg shampoo? 3. Demonstrate the falsity of the leg- end of Damocles and the sword which he suspended by a hair over the envious philos- opher. Might it have been reasonably probable had the tyrant used Hairgro? 4. Explain how you would differentiate between a Democrat and a Republican by the length and color of his whisker. Give any historical allusions to ‘* goat-ees."" 5. Write a short essay upon Delilah, of not more than two follicles, and state whether or not she was the first lady barber, 6. Devise an attractive new name for a hair restorer or wash, care- fully avoiding any infringement of the titles of any existing dopes. (Special marks will be given for this.) 7. State any specific scheme you would adopt for determining from external evidence the financial status of a customer, How would you dis- tinguish between a bum actor with a fur coat, an unpaid laundry bill, and the price of a shave and a millionaire in a ten-dollar custom suit, with a fat bill wad? 8. By whom and in what year was the discovery of the Barber's Pole made? Give full details as to the discoverer’s hairbreadth escapes. 9, What do you know about rodents? Explain the psychological phe- nomenon of woman and her fearless handling of ‘* rats."’ 10. How would you, with an eye to your ultimate benefit, announce to a baldhead that his hair needs cutting, singeing, shampooing, and curling? 11. When and in what positions had ATIVE SIZ. I want to buy a hat; will you give mea check" How much do you want flow much have you left in the bank ?* Napoleon and the President close shaves? 12. Upon what lines may a hair- brained girl's train of thought be diverted by ewitch? 13. What interest had Witch Hazel at stake in the burning question of the day, and what fate befell the Hairem of the Algerian chamberlain, Bey Rhum? 14, What would you prescribe for the restoration of the other locks to the cra- nium of Father Time 15, Explain with restraint your ca did opinion of Absalom’s ‘* meanne: in having his hair cut only once a y 16. What do you know of the curative properties of the hair of dogs which bite. 17. When Horace said, ** Omnibus notum tonsoribus,"’ was he referring to the omniscience of the barber or merel, me ae bid ‘THE BOSS’S ORDERS. stating the fact that he bad to pay his him in the paper?” A PIPE DREAM. HEN I smoke my pipe in silence, Dreaming o'er the days lung gone, ion comes to cheer me— "Tis a face in smoky form. I can see her bright eyes dancing, And her little, dimpled cheek, And her ruby lips half parted, As if cheerful words to speak. I rise amid my reverie, With a sigh that seems to choke, And leap to where she’s smiling— But my arms encircle smoke! KATE LEONARD. ENCYCLOPEDIC EXTRACTS. MA8=A twoterzed animal that spends most of his time trying to get some- thing to put into his mouth. Woman — Impossible to classify. Habitat: Bridge parties, theaters and ber wi 7 eseraceots Lady (entering country newspaper office) —* I've lone barber-withiasnate semyomenon lost my dog and want to know the cost to advertise for CfE8-_ Occupation: Wearing the least possible amount of the best possible Green office-boy—* Well, mum, my boss said to clothes, charge for adver " accordin’ to th’ size, an’ when yer find yer dorg if yer will measure him I can tell yer th’ cost.” Babies—Necessary evils found every- where except in certain flats, and much more numerous in hovels than in mansions. Music—An invention of the ancients originally intended for pleasure, but which has degenerated into torture. (See phonograph.) Courtesy—At one time a mark of respect for women. Passed into oblivion with the advent of street cars. VANCE ©. CRIs, JUDGING BY APPEARANC! English tourist—"* Hi say, old chap, can you tell me where Hi can find a manicurist in this bloomin’ place ?”* y the racket store up the street. ‘They keep most every- THE WHY OF THE WINGS. USED to wonder what the dickens Could be the good of wings on chickens. For flying they’re a mere pretense— A chicken scarce can clear a fence. But now at last I have been able To solve the question at the table. A chicken’s wings are white of meat And furnished for good folks to eat. WILBUR D. NESHIT, Buckeye Hen—"* 1 don't savvy your lingo, stranger; but yo 7 . tte COMPETITION makes us step lively in all lines of life. A man even has to ‘the way of toys.” hustle to get the wife he picks out for himself.