Judge, 1909-11-20 · page 8 of 20
Judge — November 20, 1909 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page presents a humorous mock-historical account titled "Thanksgiving Daie," written in deliberately archaic language to parody old manuscripts. The main narrative describes a colonist's chaotic Thanksgiving celebration that devolves into violence and farce—featuring a wild turkey escaping through a window, followed by gunfire, Indian attacks, and general pandemonium. The satire targets several subjects: the romanticized narrative of early American settlement (treating Indigenous peoples as hostile threats), the pretensions of colonial "gentlemen," and the chaos lurking beneath civilized society. The absurd tone—complaints about a hangover, vanity about fine clothing, concern over a lost wig—deflates heroic frontier mythology by emphasizing petty human concerns over noble pioneer narratives. The accompanying illustrations and smaller cartoon feature "Judge's Favorite" actress Billie Burke in "Love Watches," representing typical period entertainment content mixed with political satire throughout the magazine.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
wuage “THANKESGIVING DAIE.” (Ap old manuscript hitherto unpublished.) ORD HELPE US, but yis hath been a stirring daie! 1 am so stirred with mine running to ani froe yt I can scarce get me to mine diarie, besides being forced to ane standing posture by reason of ane arrow barb weh the chirurgeon hath not yett removed. I love to bee con- cise in mine writing, so will I putte all in order. . Now did ye glorious sun with hys swift chargers arrive at ye stage of dawn and ye sunrise gun on ye point gave forth its merrie note. Arose betimes, though of a truth mine head too large for mine bodie, which I do put down to witchcraft. Ye cursed rasor hath manie jags, so why not I, wch comforting thought remembered me yis was ye Thankesgiving Dai Thoe why so called I wit not, leaving such fancies to mine posteritie, if anie. Drest me in mine finerie and glad rags, a skarlet cloke and mine padded britches with but one patch. Verie gaie, you bette! and I sayde, There is some classe, as I beheld me in mine glasse. Mine host where 1 lodge me, worried over ye paiement of rent, but I bade him wayte till mine shippe came in. He, A PHOTOGRAPHER'S ‘TERM—" AN INTERRUPTED SEPTING.” poor simple, witting not I had no shippe but that conceived in mine merrie fancie, sett me before divers cunning drinks such as he nameth—Chayned Lightning, Stagger Jewse, Tangle Legge with whete cake, gingerbred, and pigge. Going forth, spent a merrie morn, there being four hangings and two witch burnings. Spake with honest Will Pipes, the toback seller, and being well in with him, he promiseth me 150 Ibs. to- back against the coming of a shipful of maydes. Sayeth he meditateth a corner in ye weed, but lov- eth me asa pal. Gave him to drink and got ye same promise in writing, deeming such wise. Came bidding dine with the Governour at twoof the clock, there being a lustie turkie set apart for us, with fixings of divers kinds, Wash awaie. Great manie fayr 1 have Being sette to meat row with a corde de flyeth in, and striking kie amidships, ye corde pull- eth it swiftly throe ye win- dow, midst horrid salva; yells of Indians. Ye partie, being cast into great confu- sion, girt up their untrussed vestes, weh they had loos- ened for ye feast, and, seiz- fag ye gunnes, pistoles, nons and what notte, sallie forth, Found yt ye towne gard snoozeth. Madame Win- tor, clinging: to mine arm, th great lo one mui ‘an- » (being omely widow) ; HADN'T of srood warden" See het ‘THOUGHT OF THAT. tt bl Well, say, mister, what °s Liftover city n't sleep while t t me do ye war- he matter with sleepin; JUDGE'S FAVORITE, BILLIE BURKE, IN “LOVE WATCHES.” 1 wonder whether Billie Burke To play so well has got to work ? Th on just fairly * scotchess”? w at our Love-watches. rior. Whereupon, loosening mine salvage sticker, went forth. Lord, what noyse! Great vollies of shots, arrows and what notte in the air, whereof one shot I fired hit ye Govr in ye legge, to his ann Ye In- dians, having sucked ye turkie’s , flung them at us with horric insult. As I chased with two Indi thinking to lead them privilie snare, they shot me and I fell. up with paynted grins, they -d_ me of mine wigge, the weh cost me 40 shillings last Apryle; and being busied with it, thinking me departed this coil, with one blowe of my sword I did them to deth, and they fled hastilie. Com- ing back, ye Indians beaten, ye wid- ow would have bussed me; but see- ing mine wigi Rave one shriek and faynte Yis was a badde daie for me, losing ye turkie, ye widow, and mine yee into gone, x of yours barks. hain’t barking