Judge — September 25, 1909 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A STRAW RIDE AT EAR I:ILL—Last night, while we D the veranda playing a game of poker under a smoky oil lamp with split scorns for chips, someone came throuy’h and announced that there vould be a straw ride. We all tumbled lect just as « six-mule hay wagon rattled lip and, with @ series of creaks and « to a standstill under a tall loaded down with country |yroan: oak, It we vith colored handkerchiefs tied around heir freckled necks, and the illumina- ion was 4 There were anterns and Japanese lanterns and barn anterns, and, above all, the big, strap- | Jing driver in dust-fringed boots was jlantern-jawed. While we stood there gazing at this wonderful aggregation, a sun-tanned lad in corduroy trousers |climbed down and, after watering the mules, announced that we ‘‘city uns could take a ride at twenty-five cents a head.” Gus, the molasses salesman, who has been summering down here be- cause there is nothing doing in the mo- lasses line in hot weather, auggested that riding in a hay wagon with a lot | of pretty girls was better than playing | poker and slaughtering mosquitoes on | the veranda, so we climbed aboard. 1 don’t know exactly how it happened, Wut, somehow, I got wedged in between } a couple of pretty girls who answered to the romantic names of Daphne and Evangeline. Daphne was tall and an- | gular, of the near-Gibson type, and ingeline was short, plump, full of limples, and full of fun, Jogging along indy road, with the tall trees cast- 1g fantastic shadows over the swaying , Anterns, was very picturesque. I got eal romantic and began telling Daphne that her eyes reminded me of the dis- tant stars, and I wished the old mules would trot on forever as long as she was aear me, when a pair of huge and horny hands emerged from the hay like a pair of tongs and gently, but firmly, lifted me | away from Daphne and Evangeline and up to where a strapping bumpkin was Playing on an accordion. I heard some coarse remark about a fellow not being | able to go off for a little smoke without | & fresh city dude taking his gal away, | and then it dawned on me that Daphne and Evangeline had escorts, Not wish- | ing to in any wrestling matches ‘ST DELIGHT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ftecahing shampoo with Tar The beneficlal effects wre Immediate: Gandeutf is removed? y growth of hair Is stimulated, ad thes premature baldness Is prevented. | PACKER’S TAR SOAP PURE AS THE PINES city boarders were circled about | belles in white dresses, and farmer boys | Chinese | Midge- JUNE-BUG JUNCTION. in a swaying hay wagon, I [very wisely | remained up by the pole and compli- dion on his fine playing. He was so tickled that he rattled off the stirring notes of “Old Dog Tray,’” and the whole |erowd joined in the chorus. Things |were looking lovely, and I had just \started to cast sheep-eyes toward a jrural beauty named Emmaline, whose j escort was asleep in the hay, when Gus, the molasses salesman, climbed up be- side Big Jake, the driver, and announced that he was the crack whip of the world. He said his great-grandfather had made good in the old-fashioned coaching days, and he had inherited his sporting blood. Gus said six-in-hand looked the same to him as four-in-hand, and without fur- ther ceremony he took the reins and started the mules off on a gallop. We | did not know it at the time, but while I |was putting in my time with Daphne and Evangeline Gus was up in the front of the wagon assisting a trio of farm- hands to empty a jug of good New England cider. When the cider began todo funny stunts with Gus, why, Gus began todo funny stunts with the mules. He made them execute all kinds of mai velous turns, from ‘‘cracking-the-whi to the “‘break-away.’’ As we grew ap- prehensive, Gus grew hilariously enthu- siastic. He announced that if he were out in Death Valley he could drive the great washing-compound mule team in a style that would make the regular drivers look like coyote: |came so alarmed at Gus’s recklessness that he fell backward into the hay and Gus had the seat all to himself. The girls screamed, and the strapping rural- ites threatened to lick the ‘whole durned | | bunch of city fellers,’’ and, with the expectation of a general thrashing and the overturning of the wagon, things were getting rather strenuous. But it all ended suddenly, Gus attempted to round a sharp curve at the cross-roads and the mules went over the fence, and the hay wagon rolled over stumps and blackberry vines and landed in a swamp of green mire. When I squirmed out and rubbed the mud and tadpoles from my eyes, I found Gus sitting on a log mented the freckled lad with the accor-| Big Jake be-| i A MARINE DELUSION. 1. ‘See! A mermaid I was in the garret of the farmhouse all by my lonesome. There was a pitcher of stale water near the bed, also a bottle of arnica and some court plaster. I crawled up and surveyed myself in the cracked mirror and then went back to bed. Did you ever see a map of Mars with its diagonal and horizontal lines for canals? Well, that is how my face looked, to say nothing of the mountain- ous bumps of green and blue. But I guess I'll pull through all right with careful nursing. THE DOCTOR'S WIFE. AGREES WITH HIM ABOUT FOOD. A trained nurge says: ‘ In the prac- tice of my profession I have found so many points in favor of Grape-Nuts itatingly recommend delicate and pleasing to the e (an essential in food for the sick) and can be adapted to all ages, being softened with milk or cream for |babies or the aged when deficiency of |teeth renders mastication impossible. For fever patients or those on liquid| diet, I find ‘Grape-Nuts and albumen | water very nourishing and refreshing.’ Take my advice, old | 2 MENTAL ILLUSIONS. 66 QUT, DOCTOR,” we say to the eminent physician and surgeon, “‘haven’t you found it true, in your long and varied experience, that nearly Jall the ills with which people suffer are imaginary?” “ Yes," he answers, to our surprise. “Usually when they have appendicitis they imagine they have colic.” “Help tt? WHEN CAT AND HORNET MEET. PUSSY cat On a hornet sat, So I was told by a rooster. The bug, poor thing Has lost its sting, Adpadntwl in Pu'so ak EYESIGHT AT FAULT. Young attorney—* How did chey hap- pen to hang Snitch’s client?) Wasn't there any loophole in the law for him? Second ditto-—"* Oh, yes, but Snitch is cross-eyed and saw the wrong hole.”” “This recipe is my own idea and is| made as follows: Soak a teaspoonful of Grape-Nuts in a glass of water for an hour, strain and serve with the beate white of an egg and n spoonful of fruit juice for flavoring. This affords a great deal of nourishment that even the weak- ext stomach can assimilate without any 88. My husband is a physicifin and he uses Grape-Nuts himself and orders it many times for his patients. calmly rolling a ciga: “Didn't quite make the turn that tim he 8 apologetically, “‘but I only missed it by al inches, Yes, sir. Three inche: I felt like slaying him then and there with a hickory pole, but I felt too weak from the shock. Daphne and Evangelin were sitting on a moss-bank crying and making vain efforts to mop the mud from their once white dresses. The | rest of the girls looked like mud turtles, You never saw such a sorry looking bunch of straw riders in your life. Big | Jake, the driver, was floundering around in a bed of soft ooze, and six or seven, country boys were trying to pry him out with the broken-off wagon tree. What was left of our bunch were hunting for their watches and picking blackberry | thorns out of their arms and necks. Just about this time Gus climbed up on a stump to make a speech about ‘‘ac: dents will happen," when something did happen. The ruralites charged us with | green saplings, and when I woke up| | wire fence. * Personally 1 regurd a dish of Grape- Nuts with fresh or stewed fruit as the ideal breakfast for any one—well or In any case of stomach trouble, nerv- ous prostration or brain fag, « 10-day trial of Gi toward nourishing and rebuildin in this way ending the trouble. “There's « Reason,” and trial proves. Look in packages for the famous book, “The Road to Wellville. the above letter? Anew one m time to time. e, and full of human Inter. th a Genuine, man, if you ever summer at a country | boarding-house keep shy of straw rides. They are far more dangerous than all the automobile tours put together. Yours with bruises, Ben. P. S.—Just heard some news that tickles. The rural bunch grabbed Gus, the molasses salesman, and rode him out of the county on a strip of barbed- | Perhaps it will teach him| a lesson about driving mules on a straw! ride. B. victor A. mensaxm. | ODE TO THE CANDY KID. ARSHMALLOWS often haunt my dreams, And fudge is fine and dandy, I dearly love my chocolate creams, But, oh, you peanut candy! PHILIP MORRIS ORIGINAL LONDON CIGARETTES A better cigarette, amore delightful smoke than this, has never been produced iy ret HIDCE 25c, sine AMBA. after-di “The Little