Judge, 1907-11-16 · page 7 of 16
Judge — November 16, 1907 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page primarily contains a humorous short story satirizing the modern married man's dilemma. Crumpet eagerly anticipates solitude while his wife travels, but neighbors immediately telephone demanding his dinner company—reflecting early-20th-century social obligations and the difficulty of refusing invitations without offense. His solution: a mass letter declaring his desperate need for solitude, signed formally to emphasize he'll sacrifice friendships rather than abandon his home. The satire targets both social convention (neighbors' automatic concern) and masculine independence—the joke being that even a man's explicit, printed ultimatum cannot protect his privacy from well-meaning social circles. The surrounding advertisements (Packer's Tar Soap, food testimonials) and brief jokes ("Poor Jones," "Finis") are typical Judge magazine filler content from this era, unremarkable by modern standards.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
HIS ULTIMATUM. FTER Crumpet had seen his wife off on the train he returned to his quiet house, closed the door, and gazed around at the rows of inviting books, at the table of smok- ing materials, at the grate- fire ready to light, and his eyes glistened with joy. “Old man!" he ex- claimed to himself, * what a time you'll have! Wife away at last, and now there will be time to do all those little things you've wanted to do for so long—to read, to loaf, to think, and invite one’s soul.” At this moment the telephone rang. It was Crumpet’s neighbor, Alstar. “Hello! Crumpet, this you? Say, I've just learned your wife has gone away? Why didn’t you let us know? Of course you mustn't stay alone. Come right over and take dinner with us.” Crumpet’s heart sank, but he was equal to the emergency. “Can't come to-night, old chap, thank I've got an engagement. « Well, to-morrow night." “Sorry, but "— «The next night ?” “Very well—I guess so. know.” “We shall surely expect you.” « Thanks.” Crumpet, heaving a sigh of relief that at least he had that evening to himself, once more sank back in his chair. But not for long. Telephone once more. This time it was Carter. “This you, Crumpet? Why didn’t you tell me your wife was away? Well, never mind. You mustn't be alone. Shall expect you to take dinner with us every night. Come you. Tl let you right over—— What! not to-night? To- morrow? No? Well, make it Thursday, All right. Good! Know how it is myself.” Crumpet waited to hear no more. He picked up his hat and coat, dashed out of the door, and made his way to the nearest stenographer's. “Here !" he sai *T'll give you a list of addresses. Take this letter and send it to everyone at once. I may lose every friend I have in the world,” he muttered, " but I can’t help it.” The letter he dictated was as follow: “To Friends and Neighbors—For the first time in years my good wife has gone away on a visit and left me alone. Contrary to all expectations, I am en joying myself, I've looked forward to being alone for weeks. I love to be alone. I may be peculiar, I may be a crank; but if you have any regard for me don't ask me out to dinner. Don’t suggest that at this critical time I leave my home, for I wouldn't do it unless the house burned down, “Respectfully, sincerely and firmly, A. Crumrer.” “TOM MASSON, A HARD JO B. +1 wish you would work and earn the money for the flowers you send me." If you knew how hard it is to work the governor you would think | earned ‘em.”* A WAY THEY HAVE. THE pretzels I consume induce such woes, The crullers havoc play. They have no But they're bad intentions, I suppose, just bent that way. POOR JONES! Missionary—“Can you give me any information about Deacon Jones, who labored amongst your people three years ago?" Cannibal—« Well, the consumption, HEALTHY HAIR is the result of the, inichoen nt painstaking Packer's Tar Soap | Pure.as the Pines “TL wonder if this this wonderful egg?” Not only cleanses the scalp, but imparts vigor to those glandular structures which are intimately concemed with the growth and vitality of the hair. Its use means a clean, healthy scalp, and lustrous hair. For a third of a century " Packer's" has been recognized as the ideal soap for last I heard about him he had gone into FINIS. E had his wine and women friends— But there this man’s life-story ends. PLEASANT SUMMER. RIGHT FOOD THE CAUSE. ‘A Wisconsin woman says : “Twas run down and weak, troubled with nervousness and headache for the last six years, The least excitement would make me nervous and cause severe head- | ache. “This summer I have been eating Grape-Nuts regularly, and feel better than for the six years past. “Tam not troubled with headache and nervousness, and weigh more than I ever have before in my life. I gained five pounds in one week.” Name given by Postum Co., Battle Creek, Mich. Read the book, * The Road to Wellville,”’ in packages. 8 ‘The Packer Mig. Co., New York City. “ There's a Reason.” comicbooks.com