Judge — October 12, 1907 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GROWLS OF A GROUCHY GENT. WOMAN loves but once— that is, the same man. Marriage is often a “flat” failure. Some girls are ox-eyed ; some peroxide. Some women would rather be loved than re- spected. People who live in glass houses should close the shutters, Sometimes the wife takes her husband simply as a meal-ticket—and then gets her mother to punch it. You can't interest a wo- man in the trust problem when the winter styles are just coming in and the baby ’s cutting a tooth, There's nothing a girl enjoys more than to sit in her torn and faded calico dress and read Susan de Styles’s article on opera-wraps of the smart set. Tears for logic, a pout for an argument, a smile for strength, a kiss for heartsease, are the angel attributes given to women—a sort of antidote for a gossipy tongue that hints of hades. Vaudeville acrobats—tush! In the half-second it takes to open the parlor-door, Cholly and Ethel can carom noiselessly fifteen feet in opposite directions and strike in- nocent attitudes. reres PRY sHEvLLN. CAREFULLY COMPROMISED. ssFATHER is in a perfectly lovely mood,” remarked Clarice.“ Don’t you think you had better ask him this evening 2” uppose you ask him 2” suggested Clarence. Oh, I can’t,” protested the girl. “I'm too shy.” «You ask him just this one time,” pleaded Clarence. “IT promise you that in the future I'll ask him, no matter how shy Iam.” A FAR-SEEING PLAYER. *“Whah yo’ gwine wid de telescope ?"” “wine ter play a game ob checkahs wid Peg Leg. Dey say he kin see ‘way erhead in de game, an’ Ah'm gwine ter play wid dis inst’ument to mah eye, an’ Ah'll bet Ah kin see ‘bout ten times furder dan him," “Thot th’ idjit language is manufactured. lish.” niver belave it!" he exclaimed. « Believe what ?" asked a bystander. av a dhriver ‘d thry to haul wather in th’ loikes av th’ laky wagin, an’ Oi s‘pose he’s gittin’ paid be th’ load.” : AS PAT SAW IT. AT was watching the street-sprinkler pass. “Well, if Oi hadn't seen it Oi'd ent By Gave (ears THE WAY CF DUST. Do you believe that man is really made of dust?" Well, he wouldn't be able to travel far in your company if he wasn't.”” A WARNING. It E WAS just a common poet Of the ordinary type, Doomed to write his verse and sow it Wheresoe’er the field was ripe. But one day he wrote some twaddle With a metre like a knell, And the thing rang in his noddle Till his wits began to toddle And his brain was all a-waddle, ‘And they put him in a cell, " Now he sits alone and loon-ey In the mad-house by the way, And whene’er the nights are moon-y He writes poetry, they say. But his muse is most erratic, As of course ‘twould have to be ; For he’s floppy in the attic, Also violently lu-nat-ic, And a straitjacket emphatic Is his future destiny. SECOND-HAND ENGLISH. m. Moral is, don't write a jingle With an over-catchy rhyme. You might make too many mingle In the mad-house at a time. Maniacs in an asylum Get excited if you rile ‘em, And you cannot bake or bile ‘em In this addle-pated clime. Ww Just refrain from all the metres That go galloping along, And the jolly one that teters Like a hush-a-bye-low song. Strike a measure sorter mope-y— Such a one, we'll say, as mine; Let her wander, limp and lopey, Serpent-ine-ish-ly and ropey, Till you've got your rhythm dopey— Or else quietly resign. LURANA W, SHELDON. Swede (to Englishman, at Colorado Springs, noting that the Englishman's Englishman—* Nine months.” Swede—* You bane spake de language putty goot already. dese country two years you vill spake as vell as de people here.” Ven you bane in accent was unlike that of the other inhabitants)—*+ How long you bane in dese country ?” Englishman (annihilatingly)—* Man alive ! am from the country where this THE LOGIC OF IT. Happyman—* This great man's biography says that he never owed any man accent.” Gynic—' Does it state why he never married ?” What you are learning to speak is second-hand Eng- IF A man tells you he is a Bohemian be quite sure that his next words will be, “Say, old man, could you lend me a dollar ?” comicbooks.com