Judge — August 31, 1907 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* from him. OH, OH, OH! Mrs. Henpeck—* Why is a husband like dough ? Mr. Henpeck (inspirationally)—*+ Because a woman needs him.” Mrs. Henpeck—« Not at all. It's because husband ‘s hard to get off one’s hands.” CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE REFUTED, Ss (SOTTES SHAPIRA, better known among the teachers of the Webster school as ++ Cottie Saphira,” was, as may be inferred from this nickname, greatly addicted to habits of exaggeration and invention, Her teacher, hoping to correct this serious fault, made a rule that + Cottie” must furnish proof of her every statement ere it would be accept- ed as the truth, One morning *+Cottie” reported, with keen enjoyment of her position as a dispenser of news, that her next-door neighbor would not be in school that day, as she was ‘seek on de bet. Her report made, she turned to walk out Yes'm ; bery, bery seek.” and confronted the delinquent Maude! JUDGE'S FAVORITES. MAY BELPORT, PLAYING ON THE PROCTOR-KEITH CIRCUIT. ‘The summer wanes and cooling days Bring promise of the new fall plays. Your airy gayety, however, Prospers in every kind of weather. OH, WHAT A LANGUAGE! HAT a language—what a language it is that we speak ! How little we may depend upon a rule once learned! We note the word that is formed apparent- ly exactly as is some other word whose meaning we have been taught to ascertain by the appli- cation of certain rules, and be- hold! we make an egregious— say, even a ridiculous—blunder. For instance, we say a man has been disarmed, meaning that he has had his arms taken away But when we speak of the prisoner after the disarming scrimmage as being disheveled, we do not mean that they also took his hevel away from him. Of course not. We mention the dehorned cow, meaning that the cow has been taken while a calf and rob- bed of her horns, Yet when we speak of a man who has been de- feated we do not refer to a man who, while a calf, was tied up and robbed of his feat or his feet. We say that Anne Boleyn and other ladies were beheaded, meaning that they were placed upon a block and had their heads chopped off. But take, again, the word befuddled—we speak of a man as being in such condition. But do we mean that he lay down on a block and had his fuddle chopped off? Certainly, certainly not. So you see how untrustworthy this language of ours is. Class is dismissed. Take the next two pages for the next lesson, sw A DESCRIPTION. Teacher—* Johnnie, can you describe the spinal column 2” Johnnie— Yes, ma'am. It is a long bone extending up ang down through the body. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.” “+ ere!" she flashed with an angry stamp of her foot. can make me out a liar!” THE ART OF CONVERSATION. He—" Er—if you had gone to—er—what's its name for the winter, don’t you think you would have liked it as well as you expect to like—er—the place you're going to—er—or don't you?” Pat—“' Me owld womin be dead, sor.”” ‘Strancer—'' Oh, indeed! | didn’t know. * Pat—"*Och! Oi'suppose she fergot ter tell yez, 31 A SWELL. A crocodile thought he'd be swell, So he tied to his tail a big bell. When he walked by the Nile You could hear ita mile— And it was becoming as well. ** Dat Maude ‘s comin’ now just so she TO PHYLLIS. At he dictated it, PHYLLIS. up in the morning, Spirit of love and spring ; Phyllis. lithe as the willow, Voice like the birds that sing ; Phyllis, full of the sunshine, Sparkling like drops of dew ; Phyllis, Phyllis, oh, Phyl This is a sung to you. Phyllis, why do you linger? Why do your feet remain? Phyllis, we wait your coming ‘Over the bloom-decked plain. Phyllis—a brimming beaker ‘Now to your health we quaf, Setting our hearts all leaping Lighter than wind-blown chaff. Do FILL us. (Ae his stenographer toot it.) Fill us up in the morning, Spirits of loving spring! Fill us tight as a pillow— Boys like the bird that sings. Fill us full of moonshine, Sparkling like dropsy due— Fill us, fill us, ob, fill us !— This is too strong for you. Fill us! Why do you linger? Why are your feet in pain? Fill us! We wait your cunning Over the gloom-necked plain, Fill us a brimming beaker Now to your healthy graft. Sending our hartshorn leaping Light as a ring-boned calf. STRICKLAND W, GILLILAN. wor thot fergitful.”” comicbooks.com