Judge — May 4, 1907 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE ART OF LYING IN MOOSE MEADOW. ‘Strancer—"' Is this an intelligent community ?” Native—" Wa-al, lawyers say so when addressin’ a jury, an’ politicians when drummin’ up votes: but I calc'late they are mostly lyin’ fer to win their p'int JUDGE'S HANDY HINTS TO HOUSEHOLD HEADS. WHAT TO DO WHEN STRUCK BY AN AUTO. HEN struck by an auto and your anatomical make-up is badly pied. you can pull yourself together again by the following sim- ple method : 5 To do so, however, you must carry a coil of strong wire in your back pocket. Then, when a wild machine comes along and pleasantly separates you from your legs, don’t look as if your trunk has been mutilated by a porter, but take the wire from your back pocket—provided that part of your trousers is still with you—walk over to the legs, or, if more convenient, have the legs walk over to you, and then wire together securely, as shown in the accompanying illustration. Then rest for a few days, until you get on to a new footing. You can tell if the breach is entirely healed in the following manner: Kick at any dog. If the wound still hurts you, you are not entirely healed ; if it does not hurt you kick the dog again. In case your head is knocked off you can adjust it with the wire in the same manner; and if you are a woman, after you have your head on, you can ask, ‘Is my head on straight?” The last man who adjusted his head in this way got very angry, because before his head was knocked off he had a piece of gum in his mouth, and after his head was put on again he commenced chewing and the gum was missing. This angered him. How wiring Id be done. ADVANTAGES OF BEING TWINS. 66TO BE twins,” said the man, “must be great, And a kind dispensation of fate, When together indeed No mirror you'll need To see if your hat is on straight.”” SCIENTIFICALLY EXPLAINED. Student— Doctor, why is the itch so much longer in running its course than are other diseases Doctor—* Well, because it is so handicapped. You see, no mat- ter how much of an advantage other diseases are given, itch always has to start from the scratch.” RELIEVING A SENATOR'S MIND. ATOR TELLER of Colorado was campaigning once upon a time, half sick and very irritable. He was accompanied by a friend, who explained the situation to the hotel-clerk and begged him to give the senator a room where he would not be disturbed. Later in the evening the clerk gave a traveler a room next to Sen- ator Teller's. He impressed upon him the importance of keeping quiet, as the senator was almost sick, and the traveler promised. The traveler meant well, but in disrobing he accidentally dropped ashoe. Bang! it went on the floor. Holding his breath, he set the other down noiselessly. Soon there came a vigorous rap at the door. “What's want- ed?" asked the trav. eler as he opened the door. The man waved his arms frantically. “Senator Teller says for heaven's sake drop that other shoe, so he can go to sleep!" WOULD IMPROVE. Neighbor—) but that’s a bi color you've painted that house of yours.” Other neighbor— “Yes; but it won't stay that way, You see, I mixed a lot of pepsin syrup with the white lead when I painted it.” TO GAIN A RESIDENCE. He—"'I don't see why you're so anxious for women to be allowed to vote.” ‘Sue—" Well, if they were allowed to vote wo might get a cook to stay at least thirty days."" OW big a dollar looks when it stands alone! comicbooks.com