Judge — February 16, 1907 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A FUNNY BEVERIDGE, (1 never carry an umbrella—7Ae Hon. Albert Jere miah Beveridge.) FOUND the Great Young Man at home, I wanted him to tell even up matters occurred tome. _ I hunted three days for a suitable one and I fully ex- pected to see him run amuck when he saw it, He did nothing of the kind, however. He laughed and chuckled over it for ten minutes and then walked up the aisle where I sat shivering and patted me on the back and said, “*George, my dear boy, that's just what I want to send to old Professor Jones, and if it doesn't make him madder than a hornet then I don’t know the mean old cuss, A thousand thanks, George, and, by the way, just step into the back room and I'll give you an idea how old Professor Jones acts when he is mad as a hornet.’ Just why above his noble dome He held'no umberell. On seeing me he wore a smile, Also a dark-brown suit, And thus he gave his reasons why He shunned the bumbershoot. + To begin with, as a child my father always taught me to lay up something for a rainy day and the things that I am laying up are umbrellas. Besides, I am abso- lutely against watered stock, and again, I never permit anything to pass over my head, Furthermore, if | wear no rain- stick over my be-yu-ti-full belfry nobody will borrow it from me. In addition, when people see me going through the street on a rainy day without an aqua-shed shelter- ing my cranium they invariably give me one for a present, and without a miss I always leave them behind in the railroad train. In that way I have enriched the employés of the various roads considerably. Good-day.” And thus I learned the reasons why He used no umberill ; I knew that Jerry told the truth, ‘As congressmen oft will. (?) The mighty Albert has his ways, Some queer and some sublime, Rat when old Pluy. his hose turns on ‘An umberell for mine. 7. PITZER. WHICH? ONCE upon a time two young women came to a wise theatrical manager and applied for positions as stars. «It is not our custom to engage stars who have had no dramatic experience,” he said. ‘And neither of you has been on the stage 2” +«No, sir,” they replied. “Then what qualifications do you JUDGE'S FAVORITES. JULIA SANDERSON IN ‘THE TOURISTS."" To you, miss, and to all who play, «have ambition and a future. Whose mirth to our old world is wine, «+1, sir,” said Junce sends this little valentine , To greet you on the good saint's day. the second young woman, “have ambition and a past which would make copy.” THE COLONEL'S COMIC. And so the manager made out a con- HE only comic valentine I ever sent,” said the colonel, ++ was when I was a youth of tract for one of them. eighteen, Our school-teacher was a ter- THE POLITE MAN. ror, and when it came to caning a boy he HOW were those eggs Heft for you last took all the medals in sight. There was week, ma'am?” asks the honest one thing about him, though, that we all avriculturist, admired. That was his original way of ‘ Every one of them was rotten !" she announcing to a boy that he was about t0 replies vigorously. thrash him, He always broke the sad “Lam sorry," he says: news in a manner to make even the Vic- then bows low and inquires tim laugh. I remember he asked me one eferentially, «but were they a perfectly satisfactory other= George, you are a great lover ot Wise 9" sea-stories, aren't you ?” : +-Yes, sir,’ I replied. HOW MEAN IS GRAMMAR. “+L thought you were. And I sup- 44 (MOTHER, can I have an- pose, George, you would give a great deal to hunt the sportive whale ?” other slice of pie 2” “Yes, sir. + Yes, dear, you can.” SGANITORIAD CLEVERRESS. “+So [ thought. Well, my boy, as Billy Jones has informed me “Well, may 12” Mai, HoUstiivres Buss" The that it was you who put those tacks in my chair yesterday, you may “No, dear, you may not.” house is all right, only it seems to be too now accompany me on a little whaling expedition to the back room.’ “Mother, ain't grammar PEM yP ustor', no, mad- «+ It was shortly after this that the idea of sending him a comic to an awful mean thing ?” am; it's only one flight up.” JUST LIKE A MAN. 66 JOHN, the cook has left "— “Now, Gwendolyn, is. it right to meet me with such news when T return home late from the office all tired out and hungry "—— “But, John, dear, I merely want to say the cook has left "— “Yes ; I know you ‘merely want to say." And I merely want to say that it's a whanged shame that this household is eternally disorganized. Other women manage to keep their servants. Why can’t you? Why "“—— “John Smith, [ tell you that the cook knew you would be late, so she left a cold chicken, a custard pudding, and a pintof claret on the dining-room table for you.” “Well, Gwendolyn, why in the name of common intelligence didn’t you say that at first?” A WORKER IN PAJAMAS. ‘Suas—* | hear your son in college is gettin’ ter be a great worker.” Hinam—* Worker? When he was ter home Christmas he worked every day, and darned if he didn't wear his overhalls ter bed." comicbooks.com