Judge — February 2, 1907 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE'S FAVORITES. ETHEL BARRYMORE, THE STAR OF “CAPTAIN JINKS. In spite of wintry, frosty wiles, Old Sol looks on the earth and smiles, And straightway spring draws near, tra-la! Likewise, when your play comes, we go And gladly borrow money, so We can sit in the orchestra. DIETETIGS. IT WAS at the little june- tion town of West Lib- erty, lowa, at the indecent hour of three a, m., that a traveler who had just ar- rived entered an alleged res- taurant’ near the railway depot and said, ++ Bring me some bacon and eggs.” ye," said the young man behind the man- ger. In fifteen or twenty minutes the same young man returned with a plate containing something. The traveler examined it critic- ally, making no motions to- ward attacking the viands there displayed. Finally he pushed the plate carefully and gently away from him and said, ++ Now, son, don’t think for a minute I've lost my temper, for I have not done so. Don't think I'm trying to roast you, either, for nothing is further from my thoughts. I simply want to give you some fatherly and much- needed adv you know, means ‘that may be eaten. It is cut, to begin with, half an inch thick, instead not cooked at all. of a sixteenth of an inch thin, as it should be cut. undergone a Turkish bath until its pores are nicely opened. That, my son, renders it inedible, which means + that If it had been rendered more it would have been cooked at all may not be eaten." nearer edibility. “Do not feel for a moment that I am disappointed. was not hungry. I never would have come in here if [had been hungry. Ihave been in here be- fore. When I am hungry and should not eat I sometimes come in here to have my appetite re- moved, which is always promptly accomplished by one glance at what you bring me when I or- der something that is elsewhere served in edible form. So I am not disappointed or in any way hurtin my feelings, remembered that I had at various times ordered almost everything else on your bill-of-fare except bacon and eggs in my previous involuntary: visits to your junction. I was curious to know what you would serve under that head in this ironical place. My curiosity has. been fully satis- fied, and I have had the worth of my money. Here is your quarter. I charge you nothing for my lec- ture on dietetics. Look that word up. Good-morning, my son, for I think I hear the train from Min- neapolis whistling in. This stuff you have brought me is not edible. Edible, This bacon, for instance, is Then it has simply It is not Tam not. I THE DIFFERENCE. My father writes poetry.” Rich sor—"Huh! My father writes verse.” NO RESTAURANT FOR HIS. CANNIBAL chieftain was starving, So his poor little sweetheart, he ate her. He knew he had only one quarter, And he'd have to give that to the waiter! A SQUELCHER. VE that odious Mrs. Doughpurse something to think of this afternoon,” says Mrs. Bankfull to her husband, who was amus- ing himself by tossing twenty-dollar gold pieces into the artificial lake in the drawing-room for the pleasure of hearing the gold pieces plunk as they sunk. “ Whajja say to her?” asked Mr. Bankfull, rolling himself a ciga- rette in a hundred-dollar bill. “+ She was boasting about the solid-gold radiators they are having put into their new house, and I told her we thought steam heat was so old-fashioned that we were go- ing to heat our house with radium hereafter.” FREE ART IN CONGRESS. H, say! you man in congress Who takes an active part In standing for a tariff On foreign works of art, Here's betting that your whiskers With jimsoniveed are rife, And when you eat your victuals You eat ‘em with a knife. Now, stand pat On that, Will you? A GENTLE HINT. + VES,” smiled the sweet young thing, “when I marry I will lead my husband a dog's life.” Whereupon she took her poo- dle in her arms and squeezed him almost to death. How could the young man help taking the hint and proposing right on the spot ? REWARDS. = Masnta—"' Now, Nellie. if you are a good girl, when Aunt Fannie gets married you may carry her train.” Son—" An’ if I'm a good boy, kin | carry her engine?” MOREY will marry any kind of money. OLOVGHUN — FROM PIE TO HOBO—A STORY OF EVOLUTION. comicbooks.com