Judge — December 29, 1906 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HIS NEW-YEAR’S RESOLVE. Fred— Jack is going to~ give up smoking on New Year's.” i Tom— Ob, he can never quit tobacco Fred—""Yes; he's got a great scheme. Just before making the resolution he’s go- ing to smoke one of those cigars his wife gave him for Christmas.” A FAULTY THEORY. 46 [0 you know what I be- lieve about myself?” asked the man with the mysti- cal eyes and the straggling whiskers. “No. What do you be- lieve about yourself?” mechan- ically asked the weary listener. “TI believe that I am the reincarnation of Napoleon.” “Nonsense! No matter how much confidence Napoleon had in himself, he wouldn't have wanted to start in at the bottom all over again.” JUDGE'S FAVORITES. MISS EDITH CONRAD, PLAYING ON THE VAUDEVILLE CIRCUIT. At this, the merriest of the year, The time of all good-will and cheer, What better can we wish than this? A Happy New Year to you, miss. AND IT WON'T TELL, SOME well-meaning people go on the stage to elevate it and make it good. Others, with the best of intentions, fail to“ make good” on the stage. While still others, after a little experience, leave the stage for good, Which one is right *+ goodness only knows !" WHY? wi always strive for ‘‘ something new’ With main and might? Keep evermore this fact in vi +All truth is trite, ‘AN ABSENCE OF FIVE YEARS ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST. s4]T WAS this day five years ago!” So whispered the Widow McGee to herself as she sat in her luxurious rocking-chair, bought on the weekly-installment plan, and rocked to and fro on the morning-of New Year's Day. “+ Yes," she continued, as she toyed with the rhinestone bracelet on her wrist (more installment) and beat time with her foot on the seven-dollar rug on the floor (fifty cents per week) ; “yes, it was just such a day as this, too—the gale sweeping up from the sea and the snow falling upon the just as well as upon the policeman on this beat. It was along toward evening, and Mike had swom oft and hadn't touched a drop all day, Then he got restless and put on his hat and THE ROAD BUILT ROUND HIM? started out, and ae has never returned. I waited for twenty-four hours and then gave the alarm ; but he had disuppeared as if swallowed by a hippopotamus. There were those who said he had been murdered for the ted-neéktie he was wearing, and others boldly declared be had left me because I could not live without diamonds and stuffed chairs. Others said he wanted a drink.” There was an interval of silence, during which the woman wiped tears from her eyes and kicked the cat out of the rm; then she bro- kenly continued, “If T only knew his fate—if I only knew whither he went! But I cannot know. Such knowledge is not sold on the installment plan. Perhaps he wandered away and fell ia love with a chorus-girl, or he may have gone down to the dock and, feeling like a bath for once in his life, plunged in, and the shock killed him. Perhaps—but I shall never know.” DISCRETION. Lica -weronrt—" Why didn’t you fight Slugger Joe?” Heavy-weicur—"Oh, him an’ me had a quarrel, an’ I wouldn't fight him. * You will never know,” croaked the cuckoo clock (more install- ment) as it got ready to strike ten times. «Tis hard—'tis very hard to bear!" sobbed the woman. “I loved him as I can never love again, and his dear image is constantly before me. Oh, Mike, Mike! shall I never hear your footstep on the side- walk, your own loving way of kicking the gate open, your original and only bang on the door, your "—— The long-lost suddenly stood before her. like McGee, where have you been?” ++ Just over to get a nip to celebrate the day, my dear.” » But you started out five years ago to-day.” «I did, my love; but Iwas thirsty. Ihad gone dry all day. It took time to catch up, How are ye, old gal? Is there a bone in the ~ house that I can pick on till ye have dinner ready 2” AR Lewis SENT TO BED, Mamma —« There, Dick; you just go right to bed without a mouthful of supper.” < Dick—“ Oh, mamma, I can't sleep on an empty stomach.” Mamma—* Then turn over on your back.” THE USUAL WAY. ‘+ P)OES your father keep an automobile ?” “No; he doesn’t keep it. He merely borrows it from the repair-shop when it happens to be in running order.” Toe Lapr onaven— Don't you think the aoenery round here is grand?” Tue apr curst—"‘Indeed! The boulevard winds so gracefully around the prominent sights of the city.” comicbooks.com