Judge — December 1, 1906 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CONJUGAL REPARTEE. Mrs, Witte Biro—"'I wish to break with you, Mr. Bird, understand ?” Mr. Witte Biro— Just step a little further this way, then, Mrs. Bird, and I think, from the size of this limb, you will break with me all right."" Do you WISEISMS. F ALL the fools, the biggest fool is the fool who thinks he can’t be fooled. It’s a long lane and a mighty dirty reversible cuff that has no turning. If wishes were horses, beggars would LEN soon get tired of Parisian beefsteaks. a Z, SY 2 UY, eb N He who laughs last laughs best because u AA” | he is usually laughing at one of his own UY jokes that no one else can see the point in. )) If a man swat you on one cheek, turn the other one around just to show him you have more cheek than he thought you has! Little pitchers have long ears, but some of the biggest pitchers in ational League have been known to make asses of themselves. SW. CILLILAN. GRETCHEN AT THE 'PHONE. MULLINS has in his employ a faithful but stupid German girl. The other day she responded to the ringing of the telephone-bell. + Who is this ?” came over the wire. “It is me,” replied Gretchen. “And who is me?” again came over the wire. “Vy, me is me.” ++ But who fs me? “It is me—mine own self,” retorted Gretchen. * But who is yourself?” “Lam mineself!" gasped the girl. “ How could 1 be anypotty but mineself?” ++ Stop your kidding and tell me your name.” “Gretchen Grausch.” “ Who is Gretchen Grausch ?* ++ She is me—mine own self.” Whereupon the colloquy came to an end, for Gretchen, hearing laughter at the other end of the line, hung up the receiver, mut- tering indignantly to her- self, “I vill not shtay here to be made a shoke of. How could 1 be anypotty but me? not be made a shoke of STRANGE INDEED. SS LTEAR about the queer accident at the Rob- binses’ house? Little four year-old Willie took an old shotgun down from. the wall, poked the muzzle in the baby’s face, and pulled the trigger.” “Too bad! Same old story—didn't know it was loade ++ Tt wasn't loaded 1" he only weighed 800 pounds. DELICATE. Mrs. Hirro—" Yes, Mrs. Moak; he is a delicate child. Why, at the time of his birth SURE OF IT. + GE kept a litle X-ray in the comer of her eye ‘0 use upon occasivus that were naturally sl So when he shot a glance at her she knew ‘twas love's own dart, For she saw it when it started trum the bottom of his heart. LURANA W. SHELDON. NEWS OF THE ENGAGEMENT. AS MR. JONES TOLD IT. [ HEARD to-day that Billy Ferguson was going to marry Ethel Scott. AS MRS. JONES TOLD IT. Mr. Jones was telling me something that will interest you, | know, when he came home yesterday evening. He didn't get home until nearly seven o'clock. He is kept at the office occasionally quite late, because he has to check up on the other men’s work. I've often said to him that if his employers showed the proper appreciation of his serv- ices they would hire somebody to help him, and if he had any inde- pendence at all he would insist upon that; but he is so meek and patient, you know, and just lets everybody walk over him. Well, as I was saying, when he came home he told me that young William Fer- guson—they call him “Billy,” you know—everybody does, because he is such a reckless, careless young fellow. He is the one that had that affair with that actress two or three years ago and almost got into a breach-of-promise suit over it. I can’t for the life of me see why some men will allow themselves to be made a fool of by women ; but that's the way with men—always attracted by a pretty face, no matter how much paint there is on it. [often tell Mr. Jones that if men had the ability that women have to read character they wouldn't be taken in so often ; but there is no use talking to a man—he thinks he knows it all. You know this Billy Ferguson has been going on for some time with that little Edith—or is it Ethel ?—Scott. I never could tell those girls : part. But Edith is the slightest one. She takes after her aunt Emily, the one that was thrown from a horse while she was riding on the boulevard. Everybody said it was a mercy she wasn’t killed. But she was always a harum-scarum sort of a thing, and the horse was really a vicious one, and she had to be in the hospital for almost a year. You remember she sits with the Perkinses at church. They are her kin on her mother’s side, and she always wears a lace ruching about her neck, and dresses in black, in mourning for her brother Henry, who was lost at sea or somewhere—anyway, he went away, either to the war or on a business trip, I don't remembc: which, and was either killed or died in a wreck—or maybe he was the one that «lied of typhoid fever. Anyway, Emily took it terribly, and always wore mourning. It is her niece—Edith, or Ethel, whichever it is—and they say her aunt Emily is going to leave all her property to her. Which- ever one it is, this Billy Fer- guson is engaged to her. Mr. Jones didn't tell. me which one it was, or any particulars, Men are so for- getful, aren't they? EVERYTHING TO ITS PURPOSE. $F WHAT good to the world, pray,” asked the pious person with a shocked aur, “are those wretched topical songs I hear you humming so fre- quently ?" + Use!” exclaimed the light-minded one.“ Why, I'd like to know where in the world the Salvation Ar- my would get its hymn-tune if it wasn’t for those ditties !" ‘THE CHANGES OF A YEAR. Henpecked husband — “Only a year ago you said our marriage was made in heaven. Now you order me about like a servant.” Wife— Order is heav en's first law, you know.” comicbooks.com