Judge — December 1, 1906 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

a LJ y pang EXPERT AIDS TO THE SQUANDERING OF SWOLLEN FORTUNES. UDGE herewith invites the public to contribute to the foundation of a college, or a correspondence school, for instruction in the giving away of large fortunes. The troubles of Mrs. Sage in disbursing $80,000,000 must have impressed all serious people of great wealth with the necessity for such instruction, Thanks to the big magazines and the correspondence schools, we have all learned how to succeed. The ++ How-to-make-money-and-how-to-keep-it ” courses of study have borne rich fruit, and now the mass of us are millionaires. It is not to be wondered at that, in our absorption in the task of getting the stuff together, we should lose all knack of disposing of it. And yet sll of us have known, ina dull, blurred, ineffectual sort of a way, that the ridding ourselves of our millions is a bigger job than acquiring them, Mr. Carnegie says so, and Mrs. Sage says so, and Mr, Rockefeller says so, and we reckon that proves it, Does not this suggest the wisdom: of shifting the emphasis of the magazine and correspondence-school instruction, advice and inspirational steamed atmosphere, from the lesser and no longer needed to the greater and more immediately ur- gent task ? In view of this pressing need of the hour, JUDGE comes to the people and frankly solicits funds. Please agree with us if you can, de- mur if you must, but in either case just fork over at your earliest convenience, We estimate that $10,000,000 will be needed, but we can begin with half that sum. ‘The details of the project are not yet worked out. Nothing has been definitely determined except that it will require the sum above named, and that we desire to have cash to that amount submitted at once, This also accords with the practice of the time as above set forth, We wish to amass the hundred million first. Afterward we will undertake to master the fine art of disposing of it to the satisfaction of all who get it. We shall work out a course of study covering three or four years. The course will follow some such lines as these : FIRST VEAR—THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF AVERSIONS. One year will be devoted to the psychology of versions. We shall cover the whole history of mental distaste, showing how the mind is turned away from things previously desired or admired. ‘The an- tipathy that springs up between the boy and his first cigar will be con- sidered. The power of green apples to alienate youthful appetites from fruit will be studied. From this physical base we will gradually rise into the more intricate branches of the subject.“ That tired feeling” will be fully analyzed. Divorce-court alienations will have their due place in the course, and an entire chapter will be devoted to Pittsburg. The course will be enlivened of the love of lucre. The Midas touch will be examined in the light of universal experience. After that we will take up the king’s touch and then the modern touch. The object of this will be to touch millionaires and make them tremble at the thought of what is before them. The muck-rake will be exhibited in all its appalling teethiness, and a big stick will be tantalizingly swung before the scholars at certain hours every day; and mottoes such as ++ Income Tax,” « Inheritance Tax " will be hung on the walls of the school or home, as the case may be. Dur- ing the second year also we shall conduct regular rebate and conspir- acy suits and grill our students unmercifully, and then write them up in ten-cent magazines. THIRD YEAR—ON THE JOY OF LETTING Go. In the third year the millionaires will be taught the joy of letting go of what they've got, of separating themselves from their cash, and of submitting to be squeezed or otherwise disengaged from their coin. The method of contrast will be used to achieve this result, That is, it will be shown how much better it is to give up than to have it swiped from you. To illustrate the latter, book-agents, suburban-lot sales- men, and insurance-solicitors will be turned loose on the rich under- grads and given a free field, ‘Then nursery salesmen and rug-can- vassers and lady solicitors for church-fairs, and con men of every kind, shell-game experts, three-car. geniuses, and professional fund-raisers will have an innings. It is believed six months of this will convince any reasonable plutocrat that it is better to give than have it grabbed. The second half of the year will be designed to produce in the million- aire heart a quiet, lavender, or old-rose joyfulness at the notion of im- parting his mazoom to other hands. Here we shall draw freely upon the current pathetics of philanthropy. We shall show a millionaire seated at the organ. At his door are the drays. The rough luggers begin to carry the simoleons forth by the bagfuls. There is weeping in the house. But the millionaire smiles through big, wet tears, pulls the vox-humana stop, and sings.in a rich baritone: “Take the stuff ‘way frum my door ; I shall not need it any more,” ete., etc. FOURTH YEAR —THE VIRTUE OF SELF-RESTRAINT. The fourth year will be at the option of the student. The course will be designed to give poise and restraint to the altruistic, goo-goo impulse evoked by the preceding three-year course, The student will be taught the canny side of the give-away game. There is a certain black art of generosity which it is well to understand, It is frequently the part of wisdom to give $11,000 where only ten cents by anecdotes of our great men and their eccentric dislikes : Mr. Rockefeller, for instance, walking a block to escape the sight of an oil-barrel; Mr. Carnegie playing on an organ whenever a load of steel rails clanks by the house ; and Mrs. Hetty Green wearing green glasses whenever she passes a shop-window showing allurin; ly Colored women’s bonnets. SECOND VEAR —THE HORRIBLE FATE OF MISERS. In the second year we shall cover the awful history of money-lust. The plunderbund of the ages will be ransacked for illustrations of the ravages ¢ QUESTION OF CAPACITY. Harry Hycurver—"* Bring me a dem. Warrer—"' Tasse or john?” was expected. It is possible to give the $11,000 in such a skillful way that it will return and bring another $11,000 with We shall endeavor in this nishing year to instruct the millionaire how to give in such a way that he will be loved, and at the same time to give in such a clever and thought- ful manner that you can hardly see his pile diminish with the naked ey Notice to subscribers. — Please send in your contribu- tions in cash at once, ‘The course will open as soon as we have tried it on ourself and as- certained whether it will do what we think it will. E sm of gu sto off five the Fo Re for in comicbooks.com