Judge — November 3, 1906 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A SPORTSMAN’S CALCULATION. LOCAL GAME-WARDEN. ‘Srortswian—"* Well, there’s a hundre Locat GaMe-waRDeN —"' Haow’s that ‘SrortsMan—"'| missed thirteen of them." GUNBUSTA, MONOLOGIST, ON MOTOR-BOATS. HOW Ao, Audience ? Town a twenty-four-fish-power motor-boat. wagon, and skims the bay as if it was so much milk instead of water. I's speedy, too. Sometimes it goes several knots an hour, and at other times it goes not for several hours. People imagine when you own a motor-boat you are continually’ on the water. This is a mistake—most of the time you're in the water. And not because you want to be, either. There is a great deal of pleasure ina motor-bort. You don’t have to crawl under it with a monkey-wrench and turn a nut about which you know nothing. You can crawl un- der your mocor-boat for that purpose if you want to, but you might get your feet wet and catch cold. Of course I don't like to blow about my boat—though I must ad- mit that my boat once did blow me ahout—about fifty feet in the direc- tion of the milky way. And that wasn’t the only time I went up into the air, It was a regular thing with me to leave my motor-boat unex- pectedly and go up into the ethereal hence for a bird's-eye view of the s irrounding country. I didn’t mind these ascensions—having been an angel for a burlesque company for many years—but it was an incon- ible balloons It’s a dinky water- A TOAST. F you were cake I'm sure you'd be “The purest angel-cake to me. Of it to eat, yet have it, too, To be discreet, what could I do? venience to duck dir after I got up there. I call my boat * Prohibitionist because it’s a crank on water. It would roll along like an iron dolphin until a huge steamboat loomed up Oh, now 1 know what I would do. T'd eat the frosting off of you ; rest, though sti And try my best to grow more icing. “Them birds ain't in season yet, an’ they'll just cost yeh ten dollars apiece." nd ten dollars coming to me, then.” before me, and then it would stop suddenly and all the coaxing in the world couldn't make it go. Consequently I would have to grab up the pair of emergency oars and row like a demon to prevent me from run- ning into the monster vessel and destroying perhaps hundreds of lives, Thad no cavernous horn to inform pedestrians that I was going In fact, there was no one to run over. Be- sides, | have never run over anything but my ears in debt. My boat has a patent whistle rigged to it. The first time I ever whistled with it Thad all the dogs of the neighboring resorts commencing to swim out to me, and I had to make a noise like a dog-catcher before they'd turn back. [used the whistle to inform drawbridges when to open in order to let my motor-boat pass through, not because my boat is so large, or because of a tall smokestack or flagstaff, but simply be- cause —my pilot wore a high silk hat I cut quite a splash with my boat. In truth, it was ninety per cent. splash, and after any trip I Gould put my hand in my vest-pockets and puil out pieces of the river. Once it splashed so much water onto me that the boat struck sand and couldn't move. The water was too shallow. I had to take off my coat and vest and wring them out over the side of the boat before the water was deep enough for me to float off again, I will now sing * Waiting for the Birch.” schwindt! to try and run over them. Professor, mach ge- THE PIED BAKER. THERE was an old baker in Wheeling Who always threw pies to the ceiling. When asked why he said, they fall on my They produce an enjoyable feeling.” A LONG WAIT. $6 YVHAT was the trouble with that customer 2" asked the florist “He wanted to know something about that small century- replied the assistant * What of it?” + Well, he wanted to know if it would bloom when it was a hun- dred years old. I said it would. ‘Then he asked how old it was, and Ttold him it «as two years old,” Well 2" «+ He said he guessed he wouldn't wait to see it bloom.” plant, comicbooks.com