Judge — October 20, 1906 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

INFATUATION. Miss Partincron—''I just love these ‘cynic’ railways!" ‘THE SCHEME OF THE PATENT-MEDICINE MAN. HE ARRIVED in the town at four p. m. He had until six, a sheer stretch of two hours, to devise some plan by which every person in the place should know of the merits of the celebrated Quickem and Quiliem Pills, But two hours was ample. He had time to spare. By six o'clock dozens of violet-scented notes were flying to as many pros- perous young married men of the place. The notes were identical and read, ** Dear Mr. ——: I know you will think me a very dreadful person, but I am going to yield to a sudden temptation and wnite you. I saw you on the street yesterday. A mutual friend told me your name, and I found your address in the directory. If you think you would care to meet me, I will be at —— this evening at eight o'clock. I will surely be there. I hope you will not disappoint me,—Miss Did the scheme work? It did. By noon the next day three wives had consulted their lawyers; another went home to mamma. Her physician is treating a bride of a fortnight for hysteria. Two women bought horsewhips at a harness-store; two others purchased pistols at a pawnshop. One married man went to his office with a pair of black eyes and several bumps on his head. The telegraph-office re- ceived messages signed + Mother-in-law,” of which one read, + Your conduct is outrageous,” and another ran, “Villain, meet me on the four p.m. train to-day.” The next day the patent-medicine man owned up that he was the artificer of this brilliant scheme. He seemed to be proud of it. Then it was his victims’ turn. They had but two hours to accomplish their work. But it was enough. They had time to spare. At six p.m. a gentleman with something of the feathery aspect of a bird and a subtle fla- ‘ vor of tar emerged across the town line in a northwesterly direc- tion and hurried into a thick piece ‘of woods in an earnest spirit of exodus. BEFORE AND AFTER. HE genial candidate goes forth ‘When comes the autumn weather. To-day he shakes you by the hand, And later altogether. EASY FOR HIM. ¢¢ BROTHER,” said the exhort. er to the new convert who had expressed his wish to abandon his past and adopt a better way of living, «do you think you can walk in the straight and narrow path 2” “Straight and narrow?" smiled the new convert. ++ Why, parson, that will be a cinch for me. I've been a tight-rope walk- er for ten years.” THE SUMMIT. ['VE sealed the Rocky Mountain tops, 1, Tve braved the Matterhorn ; I've viewed the stars from Fremont Peak, And climbed Mont Blanc at morn, And yet of all known altitudes tone seemed this: "be m ht of bliss. he hij When Caroline said st I reached the he ‘The Catskills and the Apennines, ike’s Peak—I've climbed all three ; And likewise old Vesuvius— They seemed quite high to But when I begged the daught Her father sai You've surely t This is the he ht of folly THREW HIMSELF ON THE BEAM. T WAS a lovely night. were twinkling, the 1 ‘The stars on was shining, the dogs were howling, the cats were hol in fact, everything was peaceful and quiet. I was. strolling along the track, when suddenly T saw a beam lying across the rails. I looked at it; but, much as 1 wished, I hadn’t the power to move it, [was ina tremble, I did not know what to do, for just at that moment I heard the rumble and roar a coming express. Nearer and nearer it came. Loude: grew the noise, What was I to do? T couldn't lift it! less, All at once an idea struck me. I put my body between the train and the beam, and the train—thank goodness !—the train passed on 1g forth in chorus— ind rattle of and louder I was power- without harm. It was—it was a moonbeam ! LA TOCOHE HANCOEN, WHAT SHE SAID, Bride—"Oh, John, darling! I'm so glad you've come home ! Cook is acting something awful—smashing dishes and tearing around like a lunatic! Do go and soothe her. Groom— Why, sweetheart, what upset her?" Bride—* Nothing at all—except that I told her you said she was a fierce cook.” ANOTHER SHELL-GAME, comicbooks.com