Judge — September 8, 1906 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BILL BINKS AT THE BEAUTY DOCTOR'S. OLD Bill Binks, from up Connecticut way, halted before the ++ World- renowned Beauty Parlors" and gazed curiously at the big gold sign. Bill was known as the homeliest man in the state of wooden nutmegs and brass spectacles, and he was proud of the distinction. After gazing at the flaring sign for some minutes, he climbed the steps and en- tered the “ parlors.” “Ah, good-morning, sir!" greeted Nite attendant. + What can we drawled Bill as he shifted his quid, «I don't know as you can do anything with me, because I am too blamed ugly.” «Absurd, sir! Why, we can do anything. Our specialty is dished noses, humped noses, pug noses, hook “— + Hold on, mister! Do you think you could straighten out my nose after the circus-man said it looked like a back view of a dromedary ?” «Why, most assuredly. In twenty minutes your nose will rival in graceful- ness the nose of a Greek god. “Gee whizz! And how about these ears of mine, that look like oil-skin coats flapping in a sou'wester ?” ++ We can transform them into pink shells that a mermaid might envy.” «Do tell!) Wa-al, what could you do with these here blinkers? Boys up home that hang around the post-office say my eyes look like the eyes of a her- ring after it has been soaking in brine for six months." “Ah, sir, eyes are our specialty. We could twist those eyes around, brighten them up, and plant dense eyelashes until any one would think they were gazing into the passionate orbs of a Spanish troubadour.” “+ Wa-al, I'll be peppered! You sartinly can do wonders. But, mister, you looked at my mouth yet. Moth- er used to looked like the Mammoth Cave, where she and dad went on their wedding-trip, and my yellow teeth looked like stalactites hanging from the roof. Could you do anything with that?” “ Ah, nothing could be easier for our Euro- pean methods. You would go under our won- derful vibrating ma- chine, sir, and when you emerged your mouth would look as dainty as that of a cherub.” “Gosh! I never heard the likes. I reckon I'll be going, mister.” “Going? Why, don’t you want us to fix you up—make you—er— beautiful ?” Bill Binks grinned until his yellow teeth pro- jected like broken masts on a coal-collier. “Waal, I reckon not, mister,” he drawled. THE ALTAR. GAD the sweet and single maiden, “Will you tell me, if you can, Why the lovingest uf lovers Is no sooner wedded than He becomes the careless husband Of the matrimonial plan?” “ Oh, it is the marriage alter!” Said the bitter married man. APPEARANCES DECEIVING. Mr. Hirro—'* | hear you are a bloated bondholder at present." “If Lwas foolish enough to go back home looking as handsome as you say, why, old Widder Jones, that jilted me thirty years ago, would rise up and sue me for breach-of-promise—and besides, I'd lose my reputa- tion as being the ugliest man in Connecticut. Then they couldn't point me out to the summer gals and old maids, Good-bye, mister. A SHATTERED DREAM. 66 MY DARLING,” said her mother, + whatever is the matter?” Between her sobs the young wife managed to say that her husband was a brute. “+ T know he is, has he been doing ? ++ Just because I wakened him for breakfast this morning he got terribly angry.” «That was nothing for him to lose his temper over.” “Tknow it. And he said he wouldn't have mind, CHAFING, ed it if he hadn't been Prickly Heat, DANDRUFF dreaming that for once in Quickly Retleved by his life he had found a good cantaloupe, and he was just Packer's about to eat it when I Pure as the Pines called him.” “ Antiseptic, Soothing and Healing.”’ Moiscal Orronice, Baltimore, «Excellent In.Chafing and Itching.’ Medical and Surg. Reporter, Phila. «A Real Luxury for bathing and sham- pooing, and a protection against con- tagion.”” Med. Press. ‘The Packer Mfg. Co., New York. agreed her mother. “All men are. But what s6COONGRATULATE me, Gladys," gur- gled the girl in the fluffy dress. «+1 am going to mar- ry Hector Raveso. He pro- posed to me this afternoon.” «I am not surprised, Marie,” responded the girl in- the princess gown. “When I rejected him last night he said he did not care what happened to him now.” comicbooks.com