Judge — September 8, 1906 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HUNTING THE OCTOPUS. HEN we go to hunt the wild, untamed Octopus We take along a certain kind of rake, For the wily prey endeavors to soft-soap us And make us think that muck is angel-cake. He is full of tricks and wiles, And he calmly sits and smiles As we crack his head against a jungle steak. Yes, we naturally hunt him in a jungle, there the crool Octopus loves to dwell ; And among the trees we see him bump and bungle, Giving forth a sort of slaughter-housey smell. And we snoop around couragevus And make notes on the rampageous Old Octopus—for the notes are sure to sell. Then we chase him to his vile, leaf-lardy quarters And blab until his countenance turns pale, Bombarding him with head-cheese and frankforters Aud lumpy jaws and hams that have turned stale ; And senators and speakers Get out their mustache-tweakers And tweak the old Octopus by the tail. Thus we keep the old Octopus howling sadly Till we think our wages we have fairly earned, And our books about our hunt are selling madly, And ten thousand listless people are concerned, And their consciences awakened And their thirst for muck well slakened, And eighty million have their stomachs turned. PRACTICAL GIRL. S*GHE had two suitors," said the person who is telling of the romance in the life of the fair young girl who had just been married. + One of them thought of her all day and dreamed of her all night. And she "—— “And she married him 2?” “No, indeed. She married a man who thinks ot money all day and dreams of it all night.” A SNAP-SHOT. Tue cauerist—'* Oh, can't you keep still a moment, please ONE ON THE PUNCTUAL MR. SKWEEZEM. NOT IN THE SMART SET. N AMUSING anecdote is told of Mr. Rushan Skweezem, the emi- ++ JULIA has never been progressive enough to be socially promi- nent plutocrat and philanthropist. As is well known, he has nent.” never abandoned his early-formed habits of industry and close atten- “Why, I always thought that she was very smart.” tion to business, It has been his custom to reach his works every ‘Smart! And married to one man for twenty years! Mercy! morning at seven o'clock, and for a month or so he noticed that one what are you thinking of ?” of the employés was always there when he arrived. Thinking that the QED. man was attempting to play upon his admiration for those who are not ETAINED at the offce,” you turn In at two, afraid of work, he went to the factory at six-thirty one morning. The ‘And your little wife opens the door. empioye, howcver, was on duty. The following morning he went at Just soothe her by saying, “’Twould be twice as bad six, and, to his great surprise, the employé was also there. If I didn’t come honie until four.” Determined to catch the man napping, Mr. Skweezem appeared the next morning at five. ‘The workingman was on deck again! So Mr. Skweezem continued to appear half an hour ear- lier, until at last he came at three a. m.; but each time the employé was at his post. That day Mr. Skweezem went to his paymaster and said, “Brown, raise the wages of that man I find at the works every morning. He is the most energetic man in our employ + What man, sir?" asked Brown, Mr. Skweezem described him. Why, that is the night-watchman !" ex- ime | the paymaster. Nee Hess to say, Mr. Skweezem did not raise the fllow's wages; but since then he tells the story with great gusto, frequently interrupting himself with hearty laughter. HIS CALL, WHEN Willie Jones was spending his vacation in the country his Aunt Jane used to give him five cents every time he attended Baptist service with her. His Aunt Hannah, a Congre- gationalist, one day asked him to accompany her and promised him a dime. The next time Aunt Jane suggested church Willie remarked, «I'm very sorry, Aunt Jane, but I have received a call to another church at a higher salary.” AT THE WEDNESDAY-NIGHT PRAYER- MEETING. Reverenn Spicer—"' My dearly beloved "—— Miss Scracos (the only one present)—"* Oh, Dr. Spicer, this is so sudden!" comicbooks.com