Judge — August 18, 1906 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GRATIFYING PROGRESS. I believe. Has he made 66YOUR son is studying art, much progress ?” - “Oh, yes. fluently.” He is able to talk the language quite “WHAT'S THE USE?” HAT'S the use?" Bill Jones ‘ud say, Forty-'leven times a day. Me an’ Bill was boys together ; Chummed it in all kinds o' weather, Had an awful time with him Teachin’ him to learn to Never learned it, anyway. “ What's the use?” Bill Jones'ud say. «* What's the use?” was all he said When we asked him if he'd wed. Girls, they sorter liked him, too. Didn't smoke, nor drink. nor chew. Seemed as if he didn’t care. Guess he didn’t even swear. Mention girls an‘ he'd turn red. “« What's the use?” was all he said. “+ What's the use?” he said to me When I paid his rent. You see, Times was hard an’ Bill was broke. Well, I paid it—that’s no joke. Bill was always sorter slack. When I asked him fer it back Might 'a’ knowed how it ‘ud be. “ What's the use?” he said to me. “What's the use?” Bill Jones ‘ll say Forty.'leven times a day. When the pearly gates he'll reach He'll get off his little speech. "Less he grows a lot discreeter, When he’s welcomed there an’ Peter ‘Asks him to come in an’ stay, “+ What's the use?” Bill Jones ‘Il say. AM 8. STONSON. OVER THERE. &6A ND, best of all,” said the boastful American, «we have no titled aristocracy to sup- port over here." No,"" replied the foreigner ; **but you have a good many titled sons-in-law to support over there.” WHERE THE MONEY WENT. “Who were the chief beneficiaries under your uncle's will?” “The automobile manufacturers. Each legatee bought two as soon as they got their money.” “* What's ths use?’ Bill Jones ‘Il say.” (The threat of a suit for damages that bangs over nearly rake t in these days of militant novelism leads ie fature every novelist will be sure to have his novel backed up by copious affidavits before he dares to pub- lish it. The novel of the future promises to be something lite the following. The legal documents will not be published with the novel, but will be Lept in the publishers’ safe, against the time when’a libel suit may be filed. In the middle of Broad Street, Pumping- town, lay a brick— EXH Br 1. The brick. Affidavit of the au- thor to the effect that Pumpingtown in the novel is meant to stand for Oil City, Pennsylva- via, Affidavit of the mayor of Oil City that there is a street in that city, Affidavit of the oldest inhabitant of Oil City that every street in Oil City has a middle. Affadavit of the treasurer of Oil City that he once saw a brick in the middle of one of the streets of Oil City. Adffiavit of Tim- - othy Casey that he once drove a load of brick through the streets of Oil City. Affidavit of John Simonson that he once checked up a load of brick to be hauled by Timothy Casey. , Affidavit of William Gummers that when Timothy Casey delivered the load of brick that was checked up by John Simon- son he found said load to be short one (1) brick. BW Sw nen —“ike Finnerty, leaning over, picked up the brick — Affidavit of the author that, by Mike Finnerty, he presented, under an alias, the man well known to many citizens of Oil City as Pat Murphy. Affidavit of Henry Healy, setting forth that he is acquainted with said Pat Murphy, and that said Murphy has worked for him, and that said Murphy has the strength to pick up a brick. Affi- davit of the mayor of Oil City that said Murphy is a citizen of Oil City, and a citizen of the Commonwealth and of the United States. Affidavit of Dr. Harold P. Dubois, stating that he has examined Pat Murphy and has found him free from any congenital or acquired disease, injury, malformation, or other impediment that would prevent him from leaning over. Affidavit of Pat Murphy that he is a brick-layer by trade, and that he has picked up, lifted, raised up, and handled many bricks ; that he knows what a brick is; that if a brick was on the ground and he wished to pick it up he woul lean over to pick it up. —and swatted Jim Hogan in the eye. Affidavit of the author that by the character of Jim Hogan in the novel he meant to portray the man known as Jack Dugan, now living in Oil City. Affidavit of the + chief of police of Oil City that Jack Dugan is a citizen of Oil City, and that if any one ever deserved to be hit in the eye Jack Dugan did. Affidavit of Dr. Harold Du- bois that he has examined Jack Dugan and found him possessed of an eye suitable to be hit in with a brick. Affidavit of Pat Murphy that he had on the sixth of August last t'rode a brick at Dugan, and that the said brick had taken a trajectory that brought it in sudden and severe contact with the eye of Jack Dugan ; and deponent further stateth that he is glad he done it, and that there is no manner of doubt that he did it good while he was about it. Affidavit of James Dugan, commonly known as Jack Dugan, that it was his eye the brick hit, that said brick was thrown by Murphy, and that Murphy would be sorry for it yet. Exhibit 2. Dugan’s eye, in chromo-photography, show- ing the various colors assumed by it after the brick swatted it. Exhibit 3. The beefsteak (in alcohol) that Dugan wore on his eye. ELLIS PARKER BUTLER. [UNCLE SAM'S picture-show exhibiting the joys of life aboard a war-ship is now on tour. Admission free. comicbooks.com