Judge — August 11, 1906 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE FLY, THE FLY-PAPER, AND THE FLY KID. 'Y SHALLOP sails along the summer streams ; Hesperidean apples, full and ripe, Grow on the banks, and birds of varied stripe Sing merrily ’s golden beams. But ah! the dread awaking always seems As if I'd close connection with the pipe, For then Reality, one fell swipe, Shatters to atoms my frail ship of dreams, And I, perforce, must join the sons of tuil. The rent is due, and every day new bills Are piling up in dreadful pyramids, My troubled waters need the peaceful oil ; Till pay-day I must go the pace that kills To purchase shues and stockings for the kids. ‘THE EXPERT. ¢4]S SPEEDMAN a good chaufteur ?” “Good? Say! he caught a man yester- day that every motorist in the city has had a ETYMOLOGY. 'S shaky on his pins,” they said, A-meanin’ little Baby Ted. “H I felt him over, and I swear T couldn't find a pin was there. Now, sister’s maltese kitten, Joe, He has a pin in every toe! ‘AMOS &. WELLS, SMALL CHANGE, THE average original humorist impresses us with the excellence of his memory. There never funeral procession quite as sad as the efforts of a humorless man to be funny. When one day chances to be allotted to two distinctly separate and hostile dogs, it is pretty safe to count on a scrap and the triumph try at and missed.” ‘THE HOTTEST DAY YET. N PHILADELPHIA a messenger-boy be- came overheated. At Nantucket a whistling buoy caught fire and burned completely up. Willie Doolittle, three years old, was scalded to death by a Chicago watering- cart, A Brooklyn baby-carriage got a hot box, and traffic was stopped for an hour and a half, : A ten-story building in New York ex- panded to eleven, and the agents at once rented the extra floor to tenants. At Oklahoma City the asphalt pave- ment melted, and the citizens seized the opportunity to tar and feather two wife-beaters. Hermann Schneiderkopf of Milwaukee burst at his three hundred and forty-fourth schooner, and the fire-department had to pump out the cellar. The links of the golf-club at Happy Hollow, lowa, were so warped by the sun that a tournament had to be postponed until the course could be somewhat straightened. Mrs. Susan Nag of Clay Center, Ohio, was standing on a corner chatting with a friend over domestic affairs when the heat reflected from the pavement inflated her skirts and sent her aloft like a balloon— or a rocket, she being rather attenuated. Johnson Jones, whose mother by marriage she is, states that finders may consider themselves keepers. win 1. saBin, NATURAL PREFERENCE. HE stationer attempted to sell the stranger a pack of playing-cards for twenty cents, and was surprised when the customer insisted on paying a nickel additional. The mystery was rendered clear, however, when the stationer dis- covered that the stranger was a naval officer and was accustomed to nothing less than a quarter deck. of the better brute. ALL WANTED AN OFFICE. SO YVHAT did you do about that Honest Voters’ League that I told you Iwas afraid would cut in on the party vote at the election this fall 2” “Thad a good man go to each member and whisper in his ear that he had a good show for some office if he only would consent to run, Result was that when the first meeting of the Honest Voters’ League was called to order there wasn’t anybody there but the chair- man.” IN N. Y. IMPROPER. ‘4 AND do you live in New York proper?” asked the man of the friend who had been dilating upon the manifold advantages and attractions of Gotham. “In New York proper?” responded the friend, with some accent upon the last word, “In New York proper? Oh, no! That would be entirely too far out for me to get back and forth CHAFING, Prickly Heat, DANDRUFF Quickly Relleved by Packer's Tar Soap Pure as the Pines ** Antispetic, Soothing and Healing.”” tical Chronicle, Baltimore. from business.”" VERY PRACTICAL. Oo HAT is a practical joke 2" ** One that you can sell for a dollar and buy bread with it.” OUR INQUIRY COLUMN. What should be done with an insane person who has no relatives ?— Friend. ] WOULD advise you to keep reminding him that he has no relatives. The continuous receipt of such cheerful news ought to cure the worst case of insanity on record. “Excellent In Chafing and Itching.’ Medical and Surg. Reporter, Phila. ‘A Real Luxury for bathl pooing, and # protection tagion.”” bathing and sham- against con- Mod. Press ‘The Packer Mig. Co., New York. comicbooks.com