Judge — July 7, 1906 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY FOR LITTLE PATRIOTS. EAR little patriots, your Uncle Sam was born on the Fourth of July, and that is why we celebrate the day. He was com- paratively large for his age, and has been growing ever since, although there were some who said at first that they really did not believe he would ever reach maturity. His parents were poor, but very re- spectable, and they made up their minds that, as he had not been born with a golden spoon in his mouth, they would do the best they could with a pewter spoon. They realized that it would be hard sled- ding for the baby, but they were not afraid of anything as long as they pulled togeth- er, and they resolved to do that, first off. There were some right cold days dur- ing the earlier years of your Uncle Sam, but his progenitors hustled and kept their feet warm, and by and by times began to improve and the baby responded promptly. He had a pretty bad spell in 1812-14, but the usual baby luck was with him and he got through it somehow. After that he was all right, and the way he grew and throve was a wonder to all beholders. He practically became the whole Sam fam- ily and extended the home place clear across the continent from Phila- delphia to the Presidio, with an eye on several adjacent tracts. In 1861-65 he had some trouble which was thought to be consti- tutional, and maybe it was, but whether it was or not, he fought good and hard for his life and got on his feet once more, And on both feet, too. Gee whiz, but he did! Since that time he has been whooping it up from Kalamazoo to Kratatoa and coming out on top every tinte. He has got the Ameri- can Eagle as fat as butter ; he has unfurled the Star-spangled Banner till it floats in the icy winds of the arctic circle and the balmy breezes of the equator ; he has proclaimed liberty throughout the earth and opened his gates to the world ; he has given sic semper tyrannis the skiddoo from Portsmouth to Panama; he has wrapped the whole western continent in the protecting folds of the Monroe doctrine ; and he has made the Fourth of July a red-letter day in the calendar of Christian civilization. And he is still young and lusty and going some. Oh, say, little patriots, ain't he grand ? TO BE PITIED. BBREATHES there a man with soul so dead Who never to himself hath said, « This is the day we celebrate, So I'll get out my swift machine And fill it up with gasoline, And run o'er people while you wait"? If such there be, go mark him well ; In hjm no loyal feelings dwell— He's either poor of out of date. FOR THE BABIES. 66] WANT to get some fireworks for my little boy—sometiung that will be safe for him to set off by himself,” explains the young mother. ++ Yes, maam,” replies the courteous dealer. little boy ?"" «+ He'll be fourteen months and two days old to-morrow. +L don't believe we have anything he could be trusted with. “Oh, dear! Haven't you any safety pin-wheels 2” w. J. LAMITON, “How old is your iy KNEW HIS BUSINESS. 46] VE invented a new fire-cracker,” said the man with the dreamy eyes and the bushy whiskers. “The old ones are bad enough,” remarked the man with the court-plaster on his nose. 4 “But this new one I'm going to call + The Diabolical,” and it will sell by the car- load.” “Why are you so confi- dent?” “It is made of cast-iron, painted red, and loaded with nitro-glycerine and shimose powder. If it is discharged within ten feet of any building it will wreck the structure and all its contents, and the con- cussion will break half the windows in town." “But no parents will purchase such a danger- ous". JUDGE'S FAVORITES. MATTIE WILLIAMS IN ‘THE ROLLICKING ort. You are so gay and rollicksome, So bilthely airy and frolicsome, That blues turn to laughter And troubles speed after, And even the grouchiest rollick some. thing about selling it to parents? money to buy fireworks with, and this fire-cracker will have the patron- 46]F I could only think of some w: “Parent? Who said any- age of every boy on earth.” WHAT WOULD BE THE USE? poet, ** the magazines would be quick to Parents give their children the y to become famous,” said the wan pt my poems. “«L suppose so,” replied his wife; «but of course you could get something else to do then, couldn't you ? ‘THE SCAR-SPANGLED FIFTH. H, say, can you see by the dim candle light ‘That has glowed since the last Roman candle exploded While we stood on the lawn at a late hour last night— Can you see if they’re gone, as most of us fureboded ? Little Johnnie's left ear will be useless, I fear ; And papa’s scorched nose makes his face very queer— But say, do poor grandfather's whiskers yet wave, Or did he acquire a sky-rockety shave? Uncle Henry has gone for some cotton and salve To apply to the arm of your poor sister Lizzie— And the doctor keeps speaking of things he must have ; All night has the druggist been awfully busy. Father cannot sit down—so he stands, with a frown, And looks out at the fires that are blazing o'er town. But say, do poor grandfather's whiskers yet wave, Or did they melt off in that crash the bombs gave? All day he was warned that it might not be best To be showing the youngsters the tricks of their fireworks ; He was told that his beard should be shoved in his vest Or the sparks and the flames would exhibit their dire works. I, and Lizzie, and John, with our cuticle gone, Suffer here on our cots in the gray of the dawn, But tell us, do grandfather's whiskers yet wave— Or did he acquire a July-Fourthish shave? | comicbooks.com