Judge — June 30, 1906 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE SILENCED GRUMBLE. (A tragedy in t00 tumbles.) HERE was a humble bumble-bee Who grumbled while he bummed ; But his grumble soun was humbled By the tune he humbly hummed. After rumble and much mumble Was his humble grumble dumbed, For +I Want You, Mah Honey,” Was the tune he humbly hummed. SO SOON. SO WVHY didn’t Henry come?” inquired a mountaineer hostess of an arriving guest. “Cause he’s dir-rty," re- plied the sister in the drawling tones of the southern backwoods- man. **What !"" sneered the host- ess. “Him dir-rty and hit er only Monday ?” HIS REASON. Joknny— Mamma, when I grows up I wants to be a saint,” Mother— Oh, you darling ! And why ?” Johnny—* Why, I was read- ing that boys never grows up to be what they wants to be.” head TOO SUDDEN. Newssor—" Wuxtra! wuztra! All about a man wot eloped wit’ two rich golls!"" Percy Poipexter (to his girl and her friend)—" That must be a case of fwo sudden wealth turning the man’s AN AUTO-UPSET OF CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS. AN AUTO-LOAD of Christian Scientists werit forth'to ride one day. The bubble-wagon broke a trace and straightly ran away. Some minions of the press, who saw the faith- ists’ woeful plight, imagined straight’a- foolish stunt, and wrote it out that might. Now, this'is what the Boston scribes (this happened at the Hub) set forth in motley phrase and weird and gave it to the pub(lic): «Thirty-four Christian Scientists were badly hurt to-day because their sight-seeing auto broke a brake and ran away. The Scientists were all some hurt; not one of them escaped. Ribs and heads and bones were cracked, and skins were roughly scraped. The benzine-buggy swirled around and tore right through a fence, and all the mangled Science folks could barely scramble thence, Some were hurt internally, and shins and noses suffered ; but by next week it is believed they all will be re- covered.” Now, here’s a tale that manifestly is so much piped air hot; for how could such real things transpire to whom real things are not? There was no auto in the case ; they only thought there was. ‘Twas just a momentary pain Bad thinking was the cause. No runaway occurred, of course, and never a brake tore loose; and as for tearin, through a fence, why, there was no tear, you goose! A bubble-wagon on a tear, filled full of Christian Science folks, too gross a thing of matter is to think of. It's a hoax, No fence, no auto, and no tear, no sprains, no ankles skinned, for all these things would look as if those Christians all had The fact is, matter don't exist unless it is good matter, which we all know no auto is, That's flat—indeed, it's flatter—(y). DISMAL FAILURE. SOMETIMES one attempts to be facetious with the wrong person—the individual of no facetiety, as it were. Recently I was going from Baltimore to Pittsburg, making the first stage via the Northern Central branch of Mr. Cassatt’s railroad. The conductor was a man of intelli- gent appearance, so when I handed him my mileage-book and he proceeded to reel off a few yards of its generous length, I remarked merrily, The company aims to make the length of mileage-strip in the book correspond as nearly as possible to the actual distance traveled, it seems." “don’t know what you mean,” he solemnly replied. as “I mean,” I said with that sinking feeling one has when a joke begins to fall flat, wRe Sem — er ws that you have to tear off a couple of yards of that mileage for my trip.” “Yes,” he said again with the patient air one employs in talking with very young NO EVIDENCE. children, insane people and idiots ; ++ but, you see, you get to ride a good deal further than hiruch El heb Moike hur-rt whin th’ autymobile two yards, or even two miles.” 3 cl im?" + “Shure, they niver cud foind out. Molke had For the remainder of that trip I didn’t speak to a soul, except to remark earnestly as a shtick av doynamoite in his pocket."* to the state of weather and the probability of rain. STRICKLAND W. GILLILAN.