Judge — June 23, 1906 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

= JUDGE likes to devote himself each summer to some great undertaking that will be useful to the people. It will be recalled that last summer we sent a man to discover the North Pole. He discovered it, and discovered at the same time a fact that will forever throw a wet blanket on polar exploration, viz, when you find the North Pole you lose it right away again, unless you stay there and hold on to it, In that case the world loses you, and there you are. Every pole-hunter has to choose between these alternatives—whether he prefers to be lost to the world or have the pole lost to him, JUDGE proved to the world last summer that even if you find the pole there is no way to make it stay found. ‘The exposure at the pole is frightful; but the United States has beaten it in the past eight months, No simi- lar period of exposure is recalled by anybody. Every- body has been exposed. Even the government free seeds have disappointed us, and red clover, franked right and left by obliging congressmen, has risen up out of the earth as an earnest, muscular weed, to point its accusing pistils and stamens at us and hiss through its clinched teeth, “You are a fraud! Everybody and everything is !" And now the deadly muck We are all here yet, but sore. It is the time to inventory the remains and see where we are at. JUDGE is only too glad to step in at this juncture and direct the post-mor- tem. Every man wants to know whether we are dead or alive, wheth- er we are all rascals, and if so why and to what extent, It is time for the great muck-rake census and midsummer search for the Pure, the ake has passed over us. This census is now on. JUDGE Please fill and the Unsmirched. ust how many honest folks are left. Untainted will attempt to show in the following blank and return at once : ——, herewith inclose $1.00 and declare that 1 am thoroughly honest, and, so far as I Enow, Lam the only person livi ois. Itisune derstood that my dollar is sent as an evidence of good faith, and that if it is proven that Lam not honest Lam to relinquish all further claim to it. If I am found to be perfectly square, it is understood that my dottar is to be retained to pay the expense of this census. In either case, and in any or all cases, it is herewith understood, stipulated and agreed that I don't get the dollar back, P.O: Address. The public is cordially invited to become interested in this cen- sus. Special inducements offered to officials of all trusts, societies, JUDGE BEGINS A GREAT SUMMER CENSUS TO DISCOVER HOW MANY HONEST PEOPLE ARE LEFT IN THE UNITED STATES, corporations, and business enterprises suspected of having great for- tunes. We are especially eager to reach moneyed men. Our eye is fixed searchingly upon every man who has a dollar. Politicians and those guilty of wishing to be president will be subjected to a most No similar period of exposure and muck-raking was ever known, careful scrutiny. All those favored with the appellation of « magnate” should:-get in on the ground floor of this census. We wish especially to know how many (if any) of them remain in pristine honesty. Junce will give green trading-stamps to all who certify that they are honest and inclose a dollar to prove it. N. B.—Persons not entirely honest, but possessing a dollar, may enter this census by using a nom de plume. Notict.—Are you honest? Send one dollar and tell us in twenty-five words why. Those giving the worst answers will be treated ac- cordingly. All others in a similar manner. HAD MATRIMONIAL LOOK. Weary Willie (reading “+ad.")—" «Man wanted to chop wood, bring up coal, tend furnace, take care of garden, mind chickens and children * Frayed Fagin (groaning) —'" Gee ! dem matrimonial ad- vertisements make me tired.” HE DIDN'T. 66\\JHAT do you think of Ww Hamfatte as an actor ? “I don't.” ** Don’t what?” Don’t think of Hamfatte as an actor.” EPIGRAMS. BILITY is good ; stay-bility is better. Concentrate! Use a rifle, not a shot-gun. The poses of to-day are the ex-poses of to-morrow. Every man needs a wife, either as a balance-wheel or as a drive-wheel. Bullheads won't rise to a trout-fly. Select your bait ac- cording to the fish you want. Youth looks at life through rose-colored glasses; age re- gards it through blue goggles. ENEST NEAL LYON. JUDGE'S FAVORITES. FLORENCE ROCKWELL, LEADING LADY WITH RICHARD MANSFIELD FOR THE PAST SEASON. We look upon your face, miss, and we feel a kind of awe, And doubtless you would like to know the reason, Well, you're the only leading-woman that we ever saw Who led with Richard Mansfield a whole season,