Judge — May 12, 1906 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MODERN THERAPEUTICS. T toa modern ductor to learn what it was was wrong. I'd lately been off my fodder, and life was no more a song. He felt of my pulse as they all do, he gazed at my outstretched tongue ; He took off my coat and weskit and harked at each wheezing lung. He fed me a small glass penstalk with figures upon the side, Apd this was his final verdict when all of my marks he'd spi «Do you eat fried eggs? Then quit it. You don't? ‘Then hurry and eat ‘em, Along with some hay that was cut in May— ‘There are no other foods to beat ‘em. Do you walk? Then stop instanter— For exercise will not do For people with whom it doesn’t agree— And this is the rule for you: Just quit whatever you do do And begin whatever you don’t ; For what you don't do may agree with you ‘As whatever you do do don't. Yea, thus saith the modern doctor, “ Tradition be double durned ! What the oldsters knew was nothing compared to the things we've learned. ‘There's nothing in this or that thing that’s certain in every case Any more than a single bonnet ’s becoming to every face. It’s all in the diagnosis that tells us the patient's fix— ‘The modern who knows his business is up to a host of tricks. Do you eat roast pork? Then stop it. You don't? ‘Then get after it quickl For the long-cared ass gives the laugh to grass And delights in the weed that's prickly. Do you sleep with the windows open? Then batten them good and tight And swallow the same old fetid air Through all of the snoozesome night. Just quit whatever you do do And du whatever you don’t; ."" remarked the owl, “are tough: For what you don't do Digest them very few can. As whatever you d One really cannot eat such stuff.” The answer, mild, was, “* Toucan.”* WHY MR. JOHN GROUT WAS NOT AFRAID, SUTHIS must stop right here !" said John Grout as he put one foot out of bed and began reaching around in the dark for his trousers. john!" called his wife, + please don't be foclish. Lie down and be quiet. No!" he snarled. ++ I'm going down stairs, and I'm going to give that young man down there a drubbing that'll make him want to keep away as far as possible from this house in the future. Here it is after twelve o'clock, John,” Mrs. Grout pleaded, «stop! Don’t go down there, please "—— But John had found his trousers, and, ignoring his wife's words, he hurried into the hall, Then he stole down stairs through the dark, and in about half a minute there were sounds of falling stands and tumbling chairs and shaking chandeliers. The old man had grasped his antagonist around the neck right at the start and soon had him choked into submission. Then he tied the fellow full of knots, bumped his head against the newel-post several times, and finally threw him down the front steps. When he got back up stairs his wife and daughter, pale and quaking with terror, flung themselves upon his breast. «What's the matter?” he demanded. “That was a burglar!" they cried. + Heavens !” he gasped, getting sick at the stomach, didn't you tell me before? I thought it was Ethel’s beau. BLACKMAILERS’ RATE-CARD. RDINARY display scandal, one omission, $500 per inch. Ordinary display scandal, two omissions, $800 per inch. Specially spicy corespondent material, one omission from top of column, next pure reading-matter, $1,000 per inch. Same, omitted in larger type, $1,500 per inch. Special discounts given to members of the 400 who are regular advertisers. Our yearly contract for omission of all scandal with refer- ence to any individual is safe and attractive. Our Mann will call NIPPED IN THE BUD. Jones—« Yes, 1 intended to buy that shore hotel ; but I went down there and stayed a week to look it over, and "—— Smith— Ves? HOLDING HANDS. Miss Exernanr (coyly)—"' Isn't it lovely, Mr. Monk. to sit here all by Jones—" And after paying my bill Ino longer had the price ourselves and hold each other's hands ?’ the hotel.