Judge — February 17, 1906 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WANTS TO EVEN THINGS UP MORE. Manacer—"' Going to quit! Why, my dear fellow, what seems to be the trouble?” FLoor-watker—'" Well, you see, sir, we've just got a baby up to our house, and I'd like to strike a settin'-down Job for the daytime.” AN UNRECORDED ONE FROM A FAMOUS PUNSTER. BLUFFKINS'S SENSE OF HUMOR. T WAS a custom of the celebrated humorist, Sydney Smith, to have ¢«THIS is Saint Valentine's Day,” chortled Bluffkins to his partner the members of his household assemble in his study every morning as he sat down to his office-desk, ++ and the occurrences of the for prayers, each one taking part in reading the passage of scripture day plainly indicate that most persons lack a sense of the ridiculous appointed for the day. One morning, as the reading proceeded, the or the faculty of seeing ourselves as others see us." word «patriarchs " came in a verse that fell to the turn of an Irish “Quite true,” said his partner. « Here’s your mornii servant-maid, who pronounced it + partridges.” Every one present “Why, to-day," pursued Bluffkins, opening his letters, «about smiled except the famous wit himself, who said nothing until the de- ten million persons in this country will receive comic valentines— votions were over, when he quietly remarked to her, jolly, clever lampoons, I call ‘em. And what do they say, Jenkins? ++ It was too bad of you, Mary, to make game of the patriarchs.” How do they act, eh?” “Well, some get angry.” TRUTH probably never attended a bargain-sale, or, being crushed “Yes; they snarl, snap and squabble over these caricatures sim- to earth, she wouldn't be so sure of rising again. ply because they lack the saving grace of humor. Why, the thought of their choleric capers makes me laugh—ha, ha! What in thunder is this in my mail ?" *« Looks like a comic valentine, Bluffkins.”* “Wow! What miscreant did this foul trick? It’s labeled ‘To a Fat Man." A confounded lie! I may weigh 314 pounds, but I'll be blamed if I have a waist-line like that. What scoundrel. Why, I'll bet it was that fresh young lawyer in the next office. I'll go out and cane that cad within an inch of his life!" Then Bluffkins rushed out with wrath in his eye. When he came back, a few minutes later, this wrath in his eyes was effectually concealed by two puffy swellings that were fast taking on a beautiful brunette shade. “Libel! assault and battery !" he muttered. «+ Hu- mor! Bah!" Pere ray sHevin, AS TO WELLMAN'S ORDERS. (Walter Wellman, ooce rescued “by whalers bound south” when on a lar expedition, has received terse orders from his chief to go to the North "ole in an air-ship and report by wireless telegraphy.—Currend mews.) OW, were I Walter Wellman, with instructions to arise And flutter to the frozen pole athwart the frozen skies ; If I were Mister Wellman with an order saying, “ Hike Until against the pole itself you hear your grab-hook strike Were I, as canny Walter, told in tones refrigible ‘To go with Santos-Dumont in his car dirigible (2) ; If I were bade to rise and fly through ice-besplintered space And seek the thing that scientists agree is some old place ; And were I told to send my stuff by wireless telegraph, I think I see me turn and give that editor the laugh. I bet I'd tell that paper man I'd work for him no more— No editor could make me fly, though lots have made me soar. In fine, Were Walter's orders mine, THE REAL NEED. Soebie ania Acent—''I'm selling a wonderful medicine. It will cure asthma, sciatica, colds; = good for the hair: also cures the drink habit, smoking habit, coffee habit, and "-— HE wise grafter never lets his left hand know whose Farmer—" Say, hold on! What the farmers round here need is a patent medicine es be that'll cure the patent-medicine habit." pocket his right hand is in, comicbooks.com