Judge, 1906-02-03 · page 10 of 16
Judge — February 3, 1906 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is an advice column page from Judge magazine, a major American satirical publication. The header features a cartoonish illustration of someone drowning in books and papers—visual humor about the overwhelming nature of advice-giving. The content consists of humorous Q&A responses to readers' questions. Notable elements include: **The Joan of Arc reference**: One writer, inspired by Mark Twain's recent novel, fantasizes about dragging an iceberg to hell to torment the medieval inquisitor Cauchon—dark satirical humor about literary influence. **The Broadway fare-cheating confession**: A reader admits cheating a conductor of five cents and seeks moral comfort; the magazine sarcastically suggests finding a "conscience that can stand strains like that." **The $250 visitor**: A young man asks if $250 is enough to visit New York. The response humorously suggests it will attract attention but warns that leaving the city is harder than entering—a jab at New York's appeal and difficulty escaping. **The Andrew Carnegie answer** (partially visible): Sarcastically notes Carnegie is writing his own biography, mocking wealthy industrialists' self-promotion. The tone throughout is witty, irreverent social commentary typical of Judge's satirical approach.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
want to know any- thing don't because THE next meeting of our club each lady must have an answer to the ques- What would I f | had all power for one hour?” Please suggest ut think of anything great and good enough. Mrs. C. We can only answer out of our present mood, which is just now under the spell of Mark Twain's «Joan of Arc.” We have been tily touched by the way that poor girl was burned to death, and we feel that even at this late day something ought to be done about it. If we had all power at this moment it would be just like us to hike off to the North Pole, pick out one of the coolest and handsomest ice- bergs we could find, go down where old Cauchon, Joan's inquisitor, and his gang have been these many years, and tow our iceberg back and forth before them and let it melt just as they were swimming up to it. Abuut a week ago I was on a Broadway car, and when the conductor came along I feigned a deep interest in my newspaper, with the result that I cheated Messrs. Kyan and Belmont out uf five cents. Since then my conscience will not let me rest. What can vou say tu comfort me? EARNEST. We would advise you to shift the burden to a conscience that can stand strains like that. Any directory will give you clews to firmer conscience areas, or our home address will be supplied on request, and we will endeavor to comfort you in person. Iam a young man of thirty and have saved $250. Now, I wish to know if it would be safe to come to New York with that amount of money, and do you think I would be welcome there? Mortimer. New York is always prepared to welcome good money, no matter who brings it. We should say $250 would make quite a stir here for a short while—nothing marked, you understand. There would be no brass hands nor processions of the reserves. But in a quiet, moderate way you would be made to feel that you were up against the right kind. Provide yourself with a round-trip ticket, Mortimer. It’s easy to come to this city, but the going is bad, We are stuck in here be- tween two rivers that are wet the year round, and although it costs but three cents to ride across in comparative luxury, people sometimes stay here for days rather than pay that price. You can walk out either by way of our Brooklyn Bridge or the old Albany post-road; but the former is dangerous, the latter tedious. So have a return-ticket. And, by the way, don't sew that two-fifty inside your shirt. It takes just that much more time to find out whether a girl will make a god wife is to marry set up a blackboard with the amount due plainly written with chalk Drape a curtain over this and set it in front of the congregation ; then draw a large audience by advertising that you are going to give : chalk-talk. People dearly love pulpit chalk-talks, Then take a sim ple text, such as + Don’t muzzle the ox that plows your corn,” and the psychological moment pull the curtain off the blackboard showin;: the words, « YOU OWE ME $600." If you think anything more than a hint is required, you might add underneath something like this: “Pay it now, for the door is locked.” Of course, if you add this, be sure that you have locked the door. Never say a door is locked if it isn't. Be truthful always. Try this, and if it does not work let us know and we will advise you further. Please give me a short history of Andrew Carnegie. ADELIA. Mr. Carnegie is just writing a new biography of himself at his winter home in Georgia. This will take the place of the other lives of Carnegie now in circulation. Hence we advise you to wait. Mr. C. says this is to be the best account of himself so far published, and you know he is growing more interesting all the time. Tam a young girl nineteen years old and have two sisters. The oldest one always takes it upon herself to entertain my gentleman friend. which is very annoying, and the younger one is always asking him for postage-stamps, candy and presents. Is it proper for her to ask him for such things, and what would you advise me about the oldest one? Rita. For the old one take an axe. A club may answer for the other one. Please tell me the best way to wash the face. Erne. Take a basin, fill with water, ammonia and scrubbing-soap. Place ihe face gently in the basin and let it soak over night. Rinse out in clear water and hang on the line over the kitchen-range. Don't iron, but press between the leaves of a dictionary. Some time ago I asked fora short history of the moon. and yuu replied that you were looking up the moon. When may I look for your answer? Cyntita. We did look up the moon, but before we could forward the in- formation the moon became full, and it occurred to us at once that you wanted facts about the full moon and not a quarter or half moon. Then we started in again, and by the time we were ready to report there was a new moon. This brought a fresh and bother to get at way. Will you tell me when the War of the Roses began; when Cromwell died ; how old Cresar was when he con- quered Gaul ; who wrot “Beautiful Snow" when and where Poca: hontas was born; how many millionaires’ there are in the world? Inquirer. No! My salary is in ar- rears over $600, and I am very much exercised about it. Can you tell me what I ought to do? Younc CLERGYMAN. Certainly. You ought to go after it with a large determination to get it. A good way is to won't be a train out o! GEG, it, and we get it, any > L4G fe-sized WON'T NEED ANY EXCUSES FOR WIFEY. Jones" Hallo, Jaggson! | What takes you into town a morning like this? You know there New York to-night if this keeps up."" Jaccson—" My boy, that's just what takes me in. Wy Jy difficulty. Did you 7, "Yf Y want knowledge of an old moon?) We thought, of course, you would prefer to have something about a new moon—some- thing fresh. So now we are looking up the new moon. Can you tell me how much the universe weighs? CorpELia. Yes. It is as heavy as a thousand million suns, accord- ing to the scientists. All you have to do now is to weigh a sun and multiply by a thousand million, and you will have the number of pounds. Be careful and don’t let it fall on you while weighing it. 2 © ON Rene mee arrive’! “Ves «Lie friend Got toc me. The tertaivi gradu it apartine journali Yes “Lwrit ahigh-c fies or five tea “The ealy tal attract come a} ing. “One Gilder i six colt Women ject, eh “But ative me fous to with th hel re ing the age stan Jenk. 0 hear tem's 2”