Judge, 1905-12-30 · page 7 of 17
Judge — December 30, 1905 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This satirical story mocks German immigrants through an ethnic stereotype character. Spiegelschreck, a butcher with heavy German dialect, receives a phone call from Mrs. Smallwood requesting a "porterhouse steak" with "long, white silky hair—about seven years old." She's actually describing her lost poodle dog, but Spiegelschreck—speaking in exaggerated German-accented English ("Vot dit you set?")—cannot understand, repeatedly insisting he doesn't sell such items and suggesting she contact a medical college instead. The humor targets both the immigrant's linguistic confusion and the absurdity of Mrs. Smallwood's misdirected call. The satire also gently mocks upper-class American customers for their disconnection from reality. When Smallwood angrily accuses Spiegelschreck of drunkenness and threatens to withdraw her business, he remains bewildered, reinforcing the stereotype of the confused immigrant businessman.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
MR. SPIEGELSCHRECK AT THE PHONE. PIEGELSCHRECK was as mild- mannered a butcher as ever scut- tled a beef or cut a sheep's throat, and when the telephone-bell jin- gled merrily he took down the re- ceiver with a broad German smile, in expectation of good custom by wire. “This is Mrs. Smallwood,” tinkled a far-off, feminine voice ; ‘sand Lwish you would send up a nice porterhouse steak for sup- per—one about two inches thick —pause—* with a collar on and long, white silky hair—about sev- en years old, I should say.” Spiegelschreck gasped in as- tonishment, and the good-natured countenance wore an air of puz zlement. * Vot dit you set?" he inquired. «+1 guess I ditn't ged id ride. Ve don’t got vot you vand, I guess, if you vand all you set.”* Back came the voice to Spiegelschreck: +1 said a poodle, with long, white hair and a collar on —about seven years old.” ++ Iss she gone crazy ?" muttered Spiegelschreck, rubbing one hand nervously on his butcher's apron and clasping the receiver tighter to “+L guess ve don’d got vot you vand,” he answered. Ve Maybe you vand blain his ear, don'd got a very big demand vor pootles. sausage.” “Who said anything about wanting pooilles 2” came back a voice indignantly. © Have you been drinking, Mr. Spiegelschreck ? 1 want a nice porterhouse steak for supper —pause—" with long white hair and my name on the colla piegelschreck eyed the telephone curiously, wondering if it were playing a trick upon him, + Vot you vand iss a borderhouse,” he repeated ; * but vat for do you vand long, vite silky hair on id? Ve could nod gif you a border- house mit hair on id. You vand der hair-dressers. You haf der wrong number, nicht wahr 2” “Twill pay a large reward if you get it for me,” came back the voice over the wire. +1 would give filty dollars to have it back right I want it so bad, poor little lost thing !” “Py chiminy ! dot voman iss crazy," declared Spiegelschreck in alarm, Then he replied, ++I couldn't gif you a borderhouse mit long vite hair on it und Sefen years olt if you baid a hundred dollars. You bedder delefone to «ler medical college. Vot you vand is mummies.”" now. ‘Grocan—“' Hinnesy, Ot've a bit av good news fer ye. Hennesy- , now! Grooan—" Shure, ut's goin’ to happen, an’ soon. Is ut a polpe-drame yer givin’ me, or is ut something thot's railly goin’ to happen ?"" Ur's no Pinnyma sea-level canals Oi'd be handin’ to yez."" DANGEROU: Reooy Buttooo—"* You better not flirt with her, old boy: she’s married.” Atcy Toucat—" How do you know she’s married ?”* : Recor Buttpoo—'' Why, you chump! can't you see her wedding-ring ?* ++ Mr. Spiegelschreck,” came back a voice, quivering with indig- nation, “you are certainly intoxicated! I shall tell my husband to send you a cheque for your bill, and you will be bothered no more with our custom,” Here was fresh trouble, The Smallwoods were good customers, but the courtesy due good custom has its limits, Who ever heard of a porterhouse steak seven years old, with long white hair? Spiegel- schreck had not, and he was a pretty good butcher, too. “1 peg your bardon," Spiegelschreck responded ; + bud blease order again vot you vand und say it blain, I guess mein hearing is bad alreaty.” ‘A poodle, I sai back the voice, ++ with long white hair and my name on the collar.” “Dit you vand id for sub- ber?" gasped Spiegelschreck. “Central, who is that crazy German on the line 2" snapped out a sharp voice, “I'm talking with the business office of the Star and advertising for a lost dog. Please tell Mr, Lagerbier to ring off.” You are crazy yourself!" yelled Spiegelschreck. + You vand a borderhouse steak mit vol on id like a sheep, Vos iss los mit you?” “Central,” came another voice, ‘can't I order a porter- house steak without getting a whole dog-kennel on the line? Hello, Mr. Spiegelschreck, hello!" But Spiegelschreck had fled. «+ Louie,” he said to the boy, ** the vire iss full mit crazy vimmens. Dey vand borderhouse steaks mit vool on ‘em. Don’d go near der delefone. I am going oud to g>1 some schnapps.” Jew, poury. comicbooks.com