Judge — December 16, 1905 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A CHRISTMAS PROGRAMME. E: have tried to work out a little Christmas programme for those who object to Santa Claus. We respect the opinions of all who think the deception should be stopped, and feel that we ought to help them to arrange a dis: illusionized and thoroughly harmless Christmas—what you might call a germless and reno- vated and disinfected and veracious joy season—which the children will take hold of with enthusiasm without in after days wishing to upbraid their parents and hiss at them, “ You lied to us !” We suggest, therefore, that the children be called together on Christmas morning by the governor and ad- dressed as follows : « Kids—We shall now enjoy our gift-giving. I tore off afew scads from my roll the other day and handed them to your mother, and she dived headlong into the bargain-counter flood and for two whole days appeared not again, and when she did crawl out, battered, jammed, ragged, torn, bruised and old, she clutched to her bosom these few gimcracks, fol-de-rols and highly unserviceable articles. We have placed them upon these chairs so as to divest the business of any stage effects that might heighten the pleasure in any way or give a false impres- sion. You are to understand that I had to give up for these things, and I wish to convey the idea that I will have to forget about it before I feel real good inside again, and with these few remarks we will now fall to, and you want to be quick about it, for I want to read my paper A SMALL OPENING. ‘ "What is a millinery opening, pa?" in peace. The small space between the hats of two women throuen which a man has to see what he can of the play. TOO EXPENSIVE. YOUNG countryman in England was to have married his sweet- ‘Doan’t matter, zur,” replied Giles decidedly ; “I be going to heart, Polly, the comely butter-maid, and had already been marry Jenny, an’ she an’ me want ‘ee to put up t’ banns ag’in.” “asked "in church twice. Like many a better man, however, Giles ‘But it'll cost you another three shillings and sixpence to do changed his mind and decided that he would marry Jenny, the farm- the cleric pointed out. er's daughter, He straightway, therefore, went off to the parson and “You doan’t zay that, zur, do ‘ee ?" ejaculated Giles, taking off explained the altered circumstances. his cap and scratching his head with slow deliberation. + But, my good man,” said the clergyman, “ the banns will have “Certainly, if you wish to espouse a new sweetheart, whether it to be read all over again !” is Jenny or yet another young lady, you will need to pay additional , fees.” “Three an’ sixpence for new banns,” said Giles thought- fully. “Oh, well, then! Let’em bide, zur; let em bide; I'll marry Polly !" And so Giles the careful married his first love, pretty Polly, the butter-maid. AILEY WHLLiAnts. RIGHT ON HAND, Si Medders — "Yes; the Pokeville opery-house took fire jest before the ‘end o' that comic opery !” Josh Oatcake—" Did they put it out easy 2” Si Medders—" Lord, yes! Why, th’ hull derned village fire- department was right at th’ stage-door waitin’ fer th’ chorus- girls ter come out !” PLEASANT SURROUNDINGS, 'Y love is all the world to me, I couldn't live without her ; But there are just two things, you see, That I like best about her. She often sets my heart awhirl With all her various charms ; But what /like about that girl Is just—my own two arms! CAROLYN! WELLS, GET ON THE JOB. Geratpine—* Say, Chimmie, Red Mulligan didn’t tip his hat when he passed. Go over and lick him!"* Crimmiz—"* Well. he didn't have no hat on." Geraoine—‘* Oh, dat don't make no dif'rence."" comicbooks.com