Judge — December 16, 1905 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘THE PURPLE-NOSED MAN’S SCHEME GOES WRONG. ooMY wife's been cured of one thing, and 1 of another,” said the man with the purple wart on his nose. «+ Yes ?" interrogated the man with the loose toupee. “ Youbetchee,” said he of the purple wart. “She's been cured of expecting me to have anything to do with selecting Chuistmas pres- ents for our friends, and I've been cured of the spirit of willingness to accommodate her, even if she did make such a fool request of me.” The man with the adjustable hair showed so little interest that the other kept right on with his story. “You see, we have alot of close ones that send us things every year that cost them anywhere from forty- eight cents to a dol- lar and a quarter per, and expect us to send back something from two-fifty up to ten. Well, we made a reso- lution a few years ago —necessarily, from a financial standpoint —to give back pre: ents that cost just what the ones we re- ceived cost as near- ly as possible. Now, it isn’t the person who sends the forty-eight- cent present who is careless about leav- ing the price- mark on, is it? No. So we were put to it for a means of carrying out our resolution, until we hit upon a brilliant scheme: None of our presents were things we needed or could use. Most of them, having po labels, were useless mysteries to us. We were afraid to use them for what they seem- ed fitted for, lest the givers might hap- pen in some time and catch us using them fer the wrong thing. So they remained care- fully embalmed in chiffonier drawers and else- where. Our idea that saved us was to re-label the gifts each year and send out the same presents that we had before received, thus assuring ourselves that at least the total of the cost of the receipts was as great as the total of the outlay. See? And we really saved money—the first cost of the present. See? By dropping out entire- ly one year we started our system and it worked admirably. Of CPrmIGNT 1904 #Y JUBEE COMPANY PUBLISMERS, 226 FOURTH AVE. MEW YORK SANTA CLAUS A LA KNABENSHUE. course there were some disappointments and estrangements owing to our sending a twenty-cent pen- wiper, that Cousin Millie had given me the previous year, to Aunt Alberta, who had given us a two-dollar sofa-pillow, and other such little discrepancies as that, but in the main the plan worked well—better than you would think.” “ That's fine, indeed,” said the loose-locked gentleman, with a sigh of relief that betokened his belief that the story was ended “But the whole thing got queer: ed,” went on he of the nasal adorn. ment. _ Yes 2” this time in alarm. “Sure it did. My wife went away one Christ- mas and left me with the list of things to give, and the names of the people who had sent ‘em last year. 1 lost the list, and, as bad luck would nave it, Isent back to each person the very same thing he had sent the year before. Wow!" STRICKLAND W, GILLILAN. FOR A LIVE BOY. AFTER all, unless boy nature has changed since we were on the ground personally, the best present in the eyes of a boy is a knife. Ah! how well we remem- ber the Barlow knife that gladdened our eyes on that Christ- mas morning some centuries ago, It seems now as if it was about nine hundred and seventeen years ago, but it may not have been that long. Probably by the calendar it was only nine hundred and twelve. Anyway, that Barlow was a joy. We got a pine board and began at once to be perfectly happy. Wé can see the long clean shavings now, as they curled up over our hand. To this day the faint feel- ing comes to us that we felt when we realized that with our brand-new knife we had nearly cut off our thumb. Ah! those beautiful days when a knife and a little boy with one finger almost missing were all that was needed to make a perfect Christ- mas! Will such ever come again? Arter Christmas even the tallest man will be short. Sacket & Wibeles Litho & Pig Co Newer comicbooks.com