Judge — December 9, 1905 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Betty’s Balm for Bruised Bachelors HE “advice for the love-lorn" and ‘+heart-balm for the hopeless " that are handed out by the newspaper experts appear so utterly inadequate that we have recklessly determined, in spite of the resultant neglect of our other business, to open a pure-balm department of our own. The people are defrauded right and left nowadays, but they shall not be.defrauded in this respect. They may have to put up with inferior articles of food, but here's where they get an abso- lutely unadultered, kiln-dried, 160-bond_govern- ment-test razzle-dazzle for rickety rubes and first- class jolly jolts for jilted dubs. This department will be conducted by Betty, chiefly because there is no such person as Betty, and secondarily because if there were a Betty, Betty could not run a balm-de- partment for us. We are ready now to tackle our first case. Here it ii “Dear Betty—I am 39 years of age, and have prospects for a brilliant future. 1 could not at this present mo- ment support a wife in luxury, but 1 could make her comfort able, After a year or two I think I could begin to pile on the luxuries, and probably by the end of five years she could have anything she wanted—even a dog or a box at the horse-show. Now, Tam in love with a lovely girl, but Iam at a loss tu know whether she returns my affection. Now, dear Betty, how can I tell if Tam the favored one? ‘J. ALEXtvs POINDEXTER.” Aleck, you did well to come right to your own Betty. ren Gani The other love-sharps would have pied your case, sure. jowusi My alte eas'the making ot et For it’s a most delicate and difficult dilemma you are in. Brown—"‘ Can't you get a divorce for that?" First of all, then, you must go slow and be very careful. One false move and all would be lost. Take your girl walking on Don't entirely extinguish it, you understand, but douse it until the Brooklyn Bridge some day. Then suddenly bound from her side, run moon shines in at the window. This will make her wonder what you nimbly up the wire-work, and leap over into the river. If she turns are up to, and will sort of concentrate her mind on your next move. pale she loves you. If she continues calmly on her walk, making no Then step lightly across the room and sit down on the sofa, Be sure move over your act, further than to shift her chewing-gum, I fear she and pick out the same sofa she is sitting on, Then put your arm has only a casual feeling of friendliness for you, and has not regarded round her, and if she sort of yields to the force of circumstances, and you as a suitor for her hand. Or you might let a safe fall on you out seems to catch the drift of the argument without going into seven fits, of a sky-scraper, where she can see. you when it biffs you. If she you may consider the prospects encouraging. At this point, Aleck, jumps ever so slightly you may prosecute your suit further. If she it's the snuggle you must watch, The snuggle will tell the whole goes on shopping, merely saying, «Ta, ta! I'll see you at the crema- story. If she kind o' snuggles to you sail in and win, The road ’s tory," Ido not think her heart has yearned for you to any great extent clear. If she doesn’t snuggle, well, that’s another story, and you'll as yet. Another good way, Aleck, is to turn the parlor-gas low. have to write to Betty for more balm, Good luck to you, Aleck, sweet boy! ‘THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE BUZZARD, GRASSHIOPPER, full of morning A whangam, with grasshopper taste, ‘Had marked him for his prey. mi i a | A snake had coiled him in the grass nn Wil nt Ai Before the whangam’s lair; :" | ll | MW i He licked his mouth, but held his hiss, i ‘And gathered in the pair. ‘A yellow-bird upon the snake Was just about to fall— Grasshopper, whangam and the snake— ‘You see, he snaked them all. Yoewaneyny ANY “ 4A beara watching fom & ts, ; H \ M ;yrated, swooped and came— You see, he scooped the game. The moral of this woeful tale Is very plain to see. Don’t think you are the only IT, For very likely there may sit A buzzard in the tree. w. 2 x. WHY HE'S ANXIOUS. Bey oS She —How anxious that Cor ay ined] coeur 996 by tori oestnnt oad at paisa man cerry ce pay be, fare! Mic EDITOR—"* lend, couldn't you try to write somethinj jous?"" “Yes; he’ . Porr—" Why, | ‘thought you wanted bariaes . CINCY LOG sg (2) Comic eprror—"* We do; but your humor is so sad I think your serious stuff might be funny.” give the conductor a transfer, comicbooks.com