Judge — September 23, 1905 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHICAGO UNIVERSITY SPECIAL, HE eminent astrologer, Professor Star-Gazer, has announced the following questions. Ifyou can't answer yes to all of them you are a barbarian. 1. Do you snore? 2. Have you had the mea- sles? If so, state how many. 3. Can you be happy alone with your wife's mother ? 4. Do you pour (Standard) oil on troubled waters ? 5. Can you look your land- lady straight in the eye and tell her you will pay her $22.13 as soon as you get a cheque from your publisher ? 6. Do you believe in love at second sight? 7. Will a lonely book-agent follow you? 8. Can you be happy on $4.27 per month? 9. Can you look into an old vest-pocket and see any cents in it? 10, Do you know as much now as you thought you knew when you began to read these questions ? 11, Do you believe the author of these ques- tions should be pensioned, and are you willing to contribute one dime thereto? EANEST NEAL LYOM. GETTING LOCAL COLOR. 6sQOMEBODY told me your son was engaged in literary work, Mrs. Joblotts,” said the friend. + T guess you might call it that, new city directory.” A CASE FOR ALLOWANCES, S¢M[RS: JUST-GOTTIT?" I asked quietly. My interlocutor nod- ded—rather ostentatiously, I thought. «I have been,” I con- tinued, « press-agent for many of the most retiring families in New York society " “And why did you leave your last place?” I shuddered. Why should the woman thus lay bare her former life to me, a stranger? But in a moment I reflected that she had everything yet to learn, and with an effort an- swered her calmly and with some degree of truth. But she, poor woman! remained unconscious of her gaucherie. Lavy cuaurreur He is taking the names for the CAN DO IT ALL, 66 RS. PECK is studying ventriloquism."” «What on earth has she taken that up for?” . “1 don't know exactly. Her husband told me he thought her idea was to be able to make him keep utterly silent and do all his talking back herself.” 2 GOT IT AT LAST. 66] SAY that ‘tick-tock’ is dialect,” asserted the first half of the vaudeville sketch. “And I say it isn't,” re- plied the second half. I «Isn't it clock dial-ect ?” asked the first half. Before the audience could grasp the thought a husky man you? Itaches something terrible.” GOT a job at last. Now I can go And learn abvut the life behind the scenes And see a lot of almost-actcrines Who tell about their hits in Tiffin, O. Oh, say, it’s swell to travel with a show A TICKLISH JOB. Tue n1rpo—* Say, doc., just pull out that back molar on the left side, will LYRICS OF A CHORUSGIRL, THE ETERNAL FEMALE. Man (on the ground)—"' Say, that was an awful bump you gave me.” Oh, my! | hope you are not seriously hurt, sir. to go in that house and get me a glass of water." I was just going to ask you SHE WAS THE LADY. NE of Boston's most popular singers is fond of telling the follow- ing story about herself: Her home is in one of the suburbs of the city, and when she has an engagement to sing in Boston she spends the night with an inti- mate friend who lives in a large apartment-house. One evening she was to sing at a concert, and a carriage was to be sent for her. Through some oversight in the office of the liveryman the name of the singer's hostess was not given to the newly-engaged Irish hack-driver who was sent to carry the prima donna to the theatre. Arriving at the great apartment-house on Beacon street, he could not find the name of the singer above any of the bell-buttons, and the card of directions he had re- ceived bore no other name. Finally he began ringing the bells, and when there would be a response from the regions above he would ask if + anny wan av th’ name av Blank” was up there. His temper was worn threadbare by the time he had rung the twentieth bell, only to receive the reply that there was no one of that name in that apartment. The singer herself was sitting with her wraps on, anxiously waiting the arrival of the carriage, for it was time she was off. When the bell in her friend's hall rang vigorously she went to the tube herself ahd said sweetly, «Well? "A Celtic voice, giving evidence of ‘long-pent-up emo- tion, came up the tube and asked, “Is there anny domned leddy here to go to th’ Baws- ton t'eatre 2” Having an abundant sense of humor, the singer said in I asked him for a part—and he says, “No!” A fresh gazabe sent me a mushy note. Yebetcherlife I ain't one o' those kind That like to go out on a tooty-toot near the orchestra seized the bass drumstick and hurled it at the actor. ‘And talk to all them Ethels and Irenes. Our manager—oh, say, he don't know beans— Or blot up near-food at a table-d’hote. I may be on the stage, but I’m refined. Say, don't you think John Drew is awful cute? reaxkuin 7. ADAMS. reply, ‘1 am the ‘domned led- dy,’ and I will come right down.” mw comicbooks.com