Judge — September 2, 1905 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE DISCOURAGEMENTS THE north pole is discovered, but we are not happy. The distin- guished but inexperienced explorer, Perkin Warbeck, who was going to reach the pole in a walk, reports that he has succeeded, but he is not proud of the performance. Colonel Silas Slasher of Brook- lyn, who set out to subway to the pole, and from whom much was ex- pected, likewise reports success, but it is the kind of success that makes the financial backer of the pole-hunter sick of the whole business. The case, then, stands about as follow: Another season of pole-search- ing has come and gone. Fiala has come limping home with a two-years growth of icicles - in his whiskers, and Peary has butted into the arctics and di appeared behind an iceberg. So far we are even. We've traded ina live one and got back a dead one, or words to that effect. Another intrepid seeker has gone to the pole and come away without one single souvenir except a chilblain on his foot and a frosted ear, while the subway expert from Brooklyn, as near as we can make out, spent our good money to introduce a rich subway smell into regions where pure air has prevailed hitherto. We propose to let our explor- ers sum up the results of their efforts and then wash our hands of the whole business. We are through. ‘The next time we give $150,000,000 it will be to promote higher salaries for school-teachers, or build re- treats for the immensely wealthy but otherwise unhappy, or invent a more cheerful style of advice for the lovelorn, but no more pole non- Here are the letters from our explorers : “Id ain'd vorth der price * sense for us. “Dear CHupce—I haf discofered der pole, but id ain'd vorth der price. Tarrifed at der blace at sun-up on a eggstremely vintrish day, und, to my sur- prisings, id ain'd one, two, t'ree to the shady side of a Chersey barn in Februe ary. Tvould haf gone right py der blace alretty mitouid knowing id, but I tripped oup on der parallels of lonchitude vich cross ad dis point like der shtrings on a eggspress-pickage. Den I looked for der parallel of latichude, und, py jiminetty! dere ain'd none, und I see right avay I vas ad der pole. Anudder ding tells me I vas ad der pole, und dot vas ven I see eferydings vas south ohf me. Ven I try to look nort I feel shtrange like eferydings, because dere vas nutting doing in dot direction any more, und eferyvere vas only south. Und den, py heck! I look for der east und der vest, und sure as Chulius Cesar dere vas nutt.ngs anyvere bud south. I got no use for such a climate. Ven T say, ‘Go vest, young man,’ I quit und go right avay ouid ohf such a T haf one polar ouidfit py a shnow-pank, twelve paces swuth oht qveer blaces. Also one der pole, on der right. vich I vill sell cheab und no qvestions asked. OF POLAR EXPLORATION. chilblain und a piece obf frozen ear ad your own price. I haf vorn dis ear for many years, und vill shpeak a good vord for id ad all times. I vill now ged a shquare meal und den led you know more fully vot I haf did ad der blace vich alvays has a southern eggsposure, no madder vich vay congress is behafing deir- sellufs. Bitterly yours, but midouid any hard feelings, “PERKIN WARBECK.” Here is what Colonel Slasher has to say for himself: “Most admirable and ever worthy Jupce—When I received your cheque for $10,000,000 I felt that a subway to the pule, or anywhere else, was a cer- tainty. My plan, conceived in iniquity and born in sin, I freely admit, but still efficient, I think you will grant, was to reverse the Belmont method and act upon the homeropathic principle of similia similibus curantur. In uther words, Thad discovered, by a careful study of the situation, that the Belmont subway was digged, and then a wonderful coefficient, in the shape of a beautiful violet smell, with trimmings of whitewash and limburger cheese, arrived. Now, I reasoned that these great forces would work both ways—i. e., dig a subway and you get the smell ; organize a smell and bury it and you get a subway. By the series of misfortunes set forth in the detailed report inclused, you will see that Twas not able to give my theory a fair test. I beg to report that my account stands as follows : Re'd from Jupce .. Rockefeller . J. P. Morgan . $150,000,000.00 (000,000,000 02 (000,000,000.01 R. Sage. 000,000 000 0 Total . $150,000,000.03 To balance this I have still the sums contributed by Messrs. Morgan and Rocke- feller left over and the good-will—of New Yorkers for having diminished by ever 0 little the quantity of subway odor on hand. “With great respect, Iam ever yours, SILAS SLASHER. “P. s—If it is not asking too much, would you mind adding enough Morgan-Rockefeller residue above mentioned to buy me a beer? Ss. FURNISHED **L go right avay outa of such a qveer blaces.”* “STRICTLY FRESH EGGS.” E are strictly fresh eggs?” asked Hiram Hazleby. trictly! Positively! No possible doubt of it !” declared the seTHE kroceryman. But what interested Hiram was that upon one of the eggs was neatly written the name and address of + Mamie Duesenberry ” and an invitation to whomever rece the egg to write to her. Hiram wrote to the postmaster of the small Pennsylvania town instead. What information could the postmaster give him?” * Dear Mr, Hazleby- senberry was a charming young wo- man who was very successful in the poultry and egg line. She married and went out of the egg business three or four years ago.” “Oh, positively! Every egg guaranteed !" said the groceryman. KITTYBIANCA, THE git stoned on the burning deck hence all but her had fled. She wouldn't leave until she got Her hat on straight, she said. Miss Due- Newlywed— Darn it! my wife uses my razor to cut her corns,” Oletimer—* You're lucky. My wife uses my razor to cut her corns, my shaving-brush to paint flower- pots, and my razor-strop to lick the children,” de guvment?” MIGHT TRY FOR IT. Mrs. Jounson—' See here, Eph: I done heah dah’s a heap ob whitewashin’ in Washin’ton, an’ you's got perlitical inflooence. doan’ yo" write ter Mistah Roosevelt an’ ax him ter git yo’ a place in HE HAD TRIED AND TRIED. Kindly parson—« Cheer up, my man—cheer up! don’t succeed try, try again, you know.” Prisoner (savagely) —" Well, I guess you don’t know what brought me here.” Kindly parson— If at first you No; but the motto applies just the same—try, try again,” Prisoner —" Well, that's what 1 done an’ here I be—for bigamy.” SHE KNEW BETTER. “pur T can't cast Swellington for that part,” protested the man- ager of the amateur theatrical com- pany in answer to the request of the heroine. ++ He doesn’t know how to play the lover.” «He doesn't Well, that’s all you know about it. Why, he Then she stopped and blushed, “1 mean in public,” said the manager. Thereupon she blushed some more. she exclaimed. LIKES ANTIQUES. (6PJOES your husband like an- tiques 2" «Well, he pretends to be stuck ‘on my old hats and gowns whenever IT want new ones,” Why comicbooks.com