Judge — August 12, 1905 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ADVICE TO PER. PLEXED LOVERS. (By one.) Nothing appeals to us more. insistently than the desire of per- plexed lovers for ad- vice. On the other hand, nothing stirs us to dissent so often as the brand of salve for sore hearts that isdispensed by the yellow dealers of dope to the distressed. The love-lorn are a mighty host, and their troubles are real and deserve competent treatment. Here, for example, is a letter selected at ran- dom: “Lama young girl and keeping company about a year, and I will soon be engaged. The question I want to ask you is this: * My young man comes around almost every evening. He works hard all day and at night it often happens that be falls asleep when he calls on me. So please tell me whether it is gentlemanlike oF not.” WorRIED.” We passed breathlessly on to read the answer to this plaintive appeal and were distressed by its total in- adequacy, not to say un- feeling harshness. Miss Fairfax tells * Worried” that she must be patient, and that per- haps the young man would be more wakeful if he called less often, and ad- rises her to be more entertaining. Only the girl about to be engaged knows the misery of sitting hour after hour in a dose parlor with her sweetheart, whose monotonous, gurgling snore is the sole sound that breaks the oppressive stillness. With loving hopefulness she waits while be audibly slumbers on. No wonder she feeis sick at heart when she looks into the long future and hears that snore jogging along by her side to the end of the chapter, Where this one girl flies to the “love-lorn column” for relief thou- sands of other girls, similarly situated, suffer on in silence. There is a demand for a helpful style of advice to such girls, and we trust * Worried” will read our virile words, and hereafter place her case in our hands, SWER A DI POINT MENT. What to do? That is the question. Let's get right at the marrow of the trou- ble. First of all, Wor- ried, you don’t want to worry another minute about this slumberous lover. Worry never did any good to any- body. Quit worrying and do things. Be cheerful and see the amusing side of every trouble. Next get a small rattan cane, or strip an umbrella down to the mizenmast, and fasten a pin in the end. Then wien your lover begins to doze, jab him for fair. Nothing has a more tonic, cthilarating effect on a drowsy fiancé than this. He will resume the conversa- tion where you left off with surprising alacrity. But this is only the beginning. Set your somnolent wooer near a door and arrange a teakettle of ice-water on the dour in such a way that by pulling the door gently with a string the kettle will pour a couple of quarts on his head. You know a dash of cold water drives away sleep hours at a time. A little later ll the kettle with smai! shot instead of water. A rain of fine rabbit-shot on the head of a lover not given to insomnia will prove a very laughable incident in your courtship. After this, change the shot for hot water. After this treatment has gone on for a few months one last expedient remains which will give the cure a finish it never could acquire otherwise. Take one of these little can- non you work with a string and arrange it on a rolling-chair, so you can quietly steer it round, and point the cannon in your dozing lover's face. Just as he turns from a canter into an easy trot, and the chandelier crystals begin to shake stertor- ously, pull the string. The look of sheer mystification that will come over his face as he blinks through the powder and singed eyebrows will be as comical as can be. By this time the habit of slum- bering should be entirely overcome. BABY’S INSTINCT SHOWS HE KNEW WHAT FOOD TO STICK TO. Forwarding a photo of a splendidly handsome and healthy young boy, a happy mother writes from an Ohio town: “ The enclosed picture shows my four- year-old Grape-Nuts boy. ! “Since he was two years old he has eaten nothing but Grape-Nuts. He de- mands and gets this food three times a day. This may seem rather unusual, but he does not care for anything else after he has eaten his Grape-Nuts, which he uses with milk or cream, and then he is through with his meal. Even on Thanks- giving day he refused turkey and all the good things that make up that great din- ner, and ate his dish of Grape-Nuts and cream with the best results and none of the evils that the other foolish members of the family experienced, “He is never sick, has a beautiful com- plexion, and is considered a very hand- some boy. May the Postum Company prosper and long continue to furnish their wholesome food !" Name given by Post- um Co., Battle Creek, Mich. There's a reason. Read the little book, “The road to Wellville,” in every pack- age. ©. IL EVANS & BONA, Medes, N. ¥. jvertisements. ‘You will get more prompt attention and better service bby mentioning answering ad Juoce when HOW AN AUTHOR MAY RISE. An ambitious young writer having asked, “ What magazine will give me the highest position quickest ?” was told, “A powder magazine, if you contribute a fiery article."—Ram's Horn. An ounce of sherry and a tablespoonful of Abbott’s Angostura Bitters before meals is a wonderful appetizer. HE KNEW. Teacher —* Now, ‘Rastus, What is “De stripes on de melon."— New York Sun. Coates’ Original Plymouth Gin PURE—DRY, Flavor Unequaled. The Standard for 200 Years. Best for Rickay, High Ball or Fizz. The only genuine has the MONK on the label. New York and Kentucky Co. Totlis System ja monds Y On Credit ald on de: icle—pay bal. Dan” wre sor Slates pages. IMPORTANT CHANGES-IMPROVED SERV- ICE, The Southern Railway announces & shorten ing of its through schedule between New York and Birmingham, Ala. Train 37 leaving New. York via Penna. 'R. R. at 4.25 p. m. now ar- rives at Birmingham via Auanta 9.15 p.m. next day. This is hours faster than any other line. The old high standard of through Pull- man and Dining-car Service still maintained. ‘Three other trains daily leaving New York at 12.55 noon, 3.25 p. m. and 12.10 night. A. S. Thweatt, EP. A., 1185 Broadway, New York City. Have You Ever Laughed With Marshall P. Wilder? — If you have, you will be the frst to get a copy of this new book of fun, anecdote and reminiscence. fe haven't, then you cannot iinagine the treats in. store righ. happy and enter Rabiling over with’ wit and things he winds : every line true to Ks TH E SUNNY SIDE ‘you when you open its pag just It's a Look'to drive care and worry OF THE STREET By MARSHALL P. WILDER In the irresistible pages of th; inent\ Ttuthcr las koawh Joseph Jet é y 7 ‘and scores of others. You wi merry book you will find a wealth of interesting somalia rom Pe about pi ‘ard, President McKuley, Henry Ward Beecher, , aclading King: Edws M. Depew, Jobn 1b, Rockeleiler, Cornelius Vanderbilt, General Sherm. find innumerable amusing and entertaining experiences, stories and anecdotes, and in order that Mr. Wilder's feast may not be all sauce, there are many little bits of pathos that can not help bot warm your heart. A SUNNY WELCOME FROM THE PRESS “The range and extent of the little stories which P this book are surprising ; and all is told with delightfal freedom from affectation and in such a whole-souled way that the reader is charmed with both matter and manner. .. It is a book full of wit and gayety, and must add to the sunshine of life for many who seed it." Sale Lake Tribune. this book is like listening to a humor: ous lecture by Marshall P. Wilder, fall of wit and brightness, and it will cheer and morose man or woman just to read it Baltimore American, comfort ‘Tura Eprion.—Illustrated with humorous drai tispiece portrait of the author. cover, Fron ‘There's a laugh on every page, and more new ‘and good stories than have been gotten together in many a day.”—Nashville American, Altogether i isa delightfal book : you can pick it up and begin anywhere; bat it will Ve impoutte for you to find a page which will yous the most | restful wings. r2mo, cloth, ornamental 390 pages. $1.20, net ; by mall, $1.30. Order From FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers, 30 East 23d Street, New York comicbooks.com,~