Judge — August 5, 1905 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OUR EXPLORER’S FIRST WEEK IN THE NORTH-POLE REGIONS. On der vay to der pole about two o'clock pefore daybreak, mebbe. EAR CHUDGE—Idiss vun veek alretty since I met up mit der polar rechions vat you read abould. I am in camp fer de night, und pefore I crawl into my shlum- ber-pag I vill write to led you know I vas purty vell, but a leedle tired aroundt der edges. I am writing dis mit my back leaned oop against a pig walrus vich I pulled ouid ohf der vater to-day. He iss fat und makes a goot light. I blaced him so I could ged a goot southern eggsposure to break der vindt und shtuck a lamp- vick into his blubber, und lit id mit a nefer-go-ouid metch, und mit a frosen bear-shkin ofer my knees fer a lap-board, I haf a plenty goot writ- ing-table—hein ? It vas a lonely night, und me und der walrus iss abouid all der gom- pany dot haf ventured ouid in such coldt vedder. I am gasing fer der fairst time upon der nort-shtar close py. Id vas agrandt sight. Der nort- shtar vas alvays my favorite. Id vas also called der pole-shtar because id iss right ofer der pole. Ven you vish to find der pole you haf only to go und shtand directly under der pole- shtar. Dis iss der vun shtar dot nefer moves. Vedder id iss frosen to der shpot, or vunce liffed in Ni York und got disgusted mit life in der mofing-vans, iss a question I haf nit abbroached yet mit a magnifying- “If der bear iss looking lean glass. Py keeping vun eye on der pole-shtar a man can easily find his way home from der banquet or der initiationings ohf der new member down at der lodge. I admire to sid here in der shnow-pank und drink in der light ohf dis lofely shtar. Ven you haf bin mitouid a chob as mooch as I haf you vill know how lofely id vas to gase upon sumdings dot haf such a shteady position, I haf bin shtudying ohf efenings abouid dis nort pole und dinking him ofer from efery point ohf view. Scientists say der garten ohf Eden vas ad der pole. Eef dis iss so id goes a long vay to eggsplain to my mind vy Adam und Eve lit ouid ohf der garten mitouid leafing deir address, Dey couldn't shtand der late fall. Der best autorities are not fully agreed vat iss really der nort pole, Some dink id vas only an imachinary point. Mebbe so, fer it vas a fact dot Chay P, Morgan und Chon Rockefeller ain’d after id— udder eggsplorers haf nit arrifed yet.” no? Eef id vas anyding vorth hafihg dey vould haf it alretty—yes ? My own idea iss dot id iss a real blace, but nit very extensive—a mere vat der architecturals call an ornamental frosting—a kint ohf frieze on der gaple-end ohf nachure, as id vare. Also id vas nit plain to der eggsplorers how you know der pole ven you ged dere. Here vas two, tree signs dot nefer fail. Ven der eggsplorer be- gins to see der pole-bear shnouping round mit a eagerness und cast- ing furtive glances southwart as eef he haf-bin looking oop der arrifing time ohf der next nort-pole special, der eggsplorer may conclusion- ment der pole iss nit far off. Eef der bear is looking lean und dis- gusted you vill know der udder eggsplorers haf nit arrifed yet. Ven der udder eggsplorers come along und findt der bears looking fat und frisky dey may bet deir money dot you arrifed some days previously. Ven a polar bear iss found sidding on an iceberg, sunning himself und looking habby like a newspaper man who has joost had a raise ohf vages, id vas a moral certainty dot a polar eggsplorer haf lately passed dot vay. Der polar bear iss vun intelli- chent animal. I haf found dis ouid alretty purty qvick. Der udder day I vas chasing a pig bear, und purty soon I observed dot anudder bear vas chasing me. He vas in no hurry und dit nit seem to vant to catch oop mit me, but joost kept along so as to be counted as vun ohf der barty. Der villainous whelp! vot youdink? Id vas his idea to let me catch der udder bear und fat oop a leedle pefore he caught me! Bears are set to be al- most humans in der power ohf close mental abblication. Der best dress fer der nort pole iss der bare-skin. Vun must be care- ful pefore gedding into der bare-skin to see dot der udder bear haf bin remofed from der skin, A disagreeable surbrise barty iss in shtore fer der eggsplorer vat geds into der bare-skin mitouid fairst removing der bear vat vas alretty in der skin. Mr. Peary und Nansen both say it vas der most eggsciting eggsperience ohf der shtill arctics to find dot a bear iss in der same skin you are in, On finding yourselluf in a bare-skin from vich der bear haf nit bin eggstracted you must act mit tact und promptness. Id vill be a mis- taken to ged der bear mad. You should fairst ohf all tiggle der bear in der shtomach und make him laugh. You den seize der bear py der taii, und ven he runs avay mit himselluf, mit his feet on der inside, der bear vill trample himselluf to death—nicht so? I vill now blow ouid der light und seek some shlumberings mitin der shleep-pag. Guten nacht, gesundheit ! Pancin wanbece. und disgusted you vill know der R, LOCKHART had just returned from a professional call at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Lynk. “Well,” inquired his wife, “what kind of a Lynk is it this time 2” elt isn't a link," was the quick reply; 's a chain—triplets, and all girls," VILLE. ++ DID you put out the catfish?” asked Mrs. Merman. «Yes, replied Mr. Merman ; «but if that dogfish doesn’t quit bay- ing at the moonfish I'll never get any sleep.” HE WAS FORCE! Weary Wittie—" I had a good job Mrs. Hanpour—"' How was that?” Weary Wittie—" Why, because de’'boss wouldn't fire me."* EXPLOSIVE JOKE. fey. were drilling at the safe. Said the first cracksman to his pal, ** Wots de diff’rence, Bill, between us an’ de hayseed farmer?” “Dunno,” replied his partner. “Wry, he tills de land an’ we land de ull.” At this point the safe blew up. 2g SENS one* a8 BEAT A MILE. Madge—\1 hadn't been at the hotel half an hour before I was en- gaged.” Dolly—« That is nothing, I got engaged coming up in the train.” D TO RESIGN. once, but was forced to resign.” comicbooks.com