Judge — August 5, 1905 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A CHANCE FOR INVENTORS. VENTIVE power ’s something grand. Men study night and day ‘On plans to use by-products, and ‘They make their ideas pay. Some way I hope they'll soon propose— "Twill poor men all enthuse— To take the shine from off one’s clothes And put it un one’s shoes. ROY FARRELL GREENE. NEW TEETH IN OLD SAWS. LOVE one—and another. Judge not a book by its lover. A rolling stone gathers remorse. Man butts in a little here below. The weigh of the assessor is hard. Hell hath no fury liké a woman's corn Dope springs eternal in the human breast. It’s a poor roulette-wheel that won't work both ways. Po ADAMS, Grace— So he loved and lost ?" Jack—" No; he merely didn’t get her, She had no money.” MR. DALRYMPLE OF GLASCOW TO MAYOR DUNNE AT CHICAGO. WE ARE permitted herewith to give selections from the letter of Mr. Dalrymple of Glascow to Mayor Dunne of Chicago, which are being withheld from the public for reasons best known to the reform mayor of that enterprising metropolis. As the public well knows, the Scotchman was invited to come to the city by the lake and give an expert opinion on the question of public ownership. The “opinion,” it seems, was quite elaborate, and Mr. Dalrymple not only discussed municipal ownership, but many other things that appeared to him to have some bearing on the subject. ‘The opinion embraci a great variety of interesting topics, and we cannot imagine why Mayor Dunne has withheld so many of the more striki We are able to place the following samples before our readers : x passa; “While on the subject of tramways, I will touch briefly upon the Chicago river. This river is so elastic that one can only touch it briefly, any way, and then bound off into space. I thought it was rather dry and lumpy for a river. Nothing helps to give an air of reality to a river like a little water here and there. It helps out the illusion of fluidity. If your river is to remain a solid why do you not saw it up into cross-ties for your tram-cars, There is a rubbery qual- ity to the river that ought to give an agreeable elasticity to the road- bed. As for odor, I did not notice anything objectionable; but, then, Thad been in the New York subway only a week or two before, and this may have prejudiced me against competing smells.” “TL cannot refrain from mentioning a peculiarity of your parlor-car porters. At every point along the from New York they are re- ing and reserved in man- ner, but some mysterious elixir seems to enter them on approaching your town. They are seize | with a most exasperating velocity of movement, and one of them d_ me so swiftly that he swept a dollar-bill out of my vest-pocket, in. spite of the fact that it was pinned in. On the outgoing trip they were quiescent enoug! but when New York came into view I observed that the Chicago dash in their systems broke out, and they were auite recklessly ser iceable for nearly an hour. Country Bor- + Summer soarper. “In the theatre one evening the comedian was NO CAUSE FOR WORRY. ‘Summer poarver—" Have you seen anything of my little son Reginald ?"* ‘es'm; the fellers has taken him over to the crick, swimmin’.”" * Oh, heavens! I'm afraid he'll get drowned. Country por (consolingly)—' Oh, he won't get drowned, ma’am. The fellers ts only foln’ to shove him into that two-foot mud-hole wot's full uv snappin’-turtles an" blood- Suckers an’ see how many ‘Il fasten onto him—that's all."’ vue CARE. HANK'S FINISH. Drummer—" So Hank ‘s dropped off since | was up here last?” Souinr-eveo Cuarter—" Yep: Hank he cashed in sudden about a month back. Got patriotic last Fourth an’ shot up a Chinaman an’ a couple of Spaniards, an’ was lookin’ fer more trouble when a feller from out east handed him a pill from that little toy up there ai Hank to be took off by a little popgun like that, an’ there he had five notches in that gentleman's weepon of his."" sa sad finish fer * then gave him the toy fer a souvenir. It describing punishment for a crime, and sought to make it as terrible as possible. When imagination had done its best (or worst) he made one last desperate effort and declared the prisoner was condemned to be mayor of Chicago. A gentleman in the house was so tickled with the joke that he laughed uproariously for many minutes, I was told his name was Harrison, Lam at a loss to account for his immoderate jocularity, for to me the joke appeared quite indifferent.” “In closing this branch of my theme I must speak of your Chi- cago lassies. Their loveliness is of a most exasperating type, for no sooner have you decided that the one you are looking at is the most beautiful creature you have ever seen than your eye falls upon another who is more beautiful still. No wonder the desire of earnest biga- mists is to marry as many of them as they can. And their breezy style of speech! I heard one beautiful girl say, « That suits me clear down to the ground"; and another exclaimed in my presence, ‘Oh, go lay ‘wag yer ears!’ Another girl told of a little man who carried a big maiden out of a burning building. How could he do it, she was asked. + He made two trips,” laughed this sprightly girl. The Chicago girl is immense.” yer head on a fenc WORSE THAN SHE THOUGHT. Aunt—« But | thought you understood that George is a poor young man when you became engaged to him. Niece— Of course I did; but I didn't imagine it went so far as his not being able to get a new automobile till next season.” PRESIDENT TEDDY. HE 3S ist one of us, Capable, clever, Proving E Pluribus Unum forever. He is a match for Kings Willie and Eadie ; He can do lots of things— President Teddy! Versatile felluw, he; Statesman and fighter, Hunter and, frequent Fairly good writer. For either work or play He is quite read: enuous? I should say !— President Ted Pace-maker—and he lead All of the rest, too; Peacemaker—and proceeds When it is best to, Just the right sort of man, Honest and steady, Thorough American President Teddy ! Of: The We We cage comicbooks.com